Possible to be happy in a job where your boss hates you?

[Puppalicious]

My boss hates me. Various things happened about 6-9 months and he changed from being supportive to never having a good word to say about anything I do, speaking to me only when he has to, speaking to everyone else but never to me, I suspect running me down behind my back, and at my PM before Christmas he said I was brilliant at my job, but I would never progress and made a remark about me looking for a new big job. He is never happy when I do well and sounds delighted when I slip up in front of others.

However - my job is well-paid, the hours are not long given the seniority, my commute is a walk and I like a lot of the people I work with. I cannot find a new job that appeals and is close to my current money, any new job at equivalent money would involve longer hours. In any event, I don’t think I would have the confidence to leave - I am confident enough in my ability to do my current job due to industry knowledge, but I was headhunted last year, and had a panic attack and almost breakdown and had to withdraw my resignation (the start of my current troubles….)

At the same time, my mental health is starting to be in tatters, despite therapy. Is there a way to be resilient despite my boss? Has anyone managed to be happy with a boss against them (next step is a demotion which I think is being planned, it would at least mean I wouldn’t be dealing with my current boss but I would still find it difficult to deal with)?

I’m so miserable.

Oh you have my sympathies, I am in the same boat. He called me an ugly gossiping are today. Not the first time either.

I’ve chosen to leave but it’s a process of finding something else that daunts me.

honestly in your shoes I’d leave him to it, just not worth it.

There is no point staying in a job where it has an impact to your mental wellbeing.

You are definitely working in a toxic environment and your boss obviously knows that you are doing a brilliant job but could possibly feel threatened that you could be wanting to step up to his level thus the recent performance reviews?

Is there a different department that you could transfer to with a different line manager perhaps?

If you are not going to get the progression in the company/role you are in now - that is one of the biggest red flags of all - I'd be looking straight away for a new role.. Go where you are appreciated.

I could of written this!!! My old boss was a gem I adored her, big shake up this summer and she left and was replaced by the most vile person who I haven't clicked with at all, constantly bad mouths people and I imagine me behind my back. The most draining person I've ever met.
I'm on sick leave which is rubbish about to go SSP after a fewmonths full pay and I'm devastated I might not ever go back to a workplace I love but a manager I can't stand.
For context I've been there 10years progressed really well and I've thrived but the new manager almost sees me as a threat and wants to belittle me to make them seem better at their job, it's so toxic. My mental health is awful, I'm on antidepressants, I wasn't sleeping I was angry all the time I just couldn't stop thinking about work so the GP signed me off but it's sad so just wanted to let you know I'm in this same pickle.

It’s terrible how much a job can affect mental health! I have lovely healthy children, supportive husband, close to family, healthy - and yet here I am, a mess because of a boss.

its going to be very difficult to find a new job at my level. I burnt a lot of bridges with how I pulled out of the last role after accepting it - and it’s a small town so I’m sure a lot of people know. I feel so upset, I’ve made so many mistakes over the last 18 months and destroyed my reputation.

I think my boss might feel threatened, the other job was a lot more than he is on.

it sounds like people are saying the only way to manage mentally is to leave. I think deep down I know this but don’t want to accept it. I’m assuming no one has managed to survive a (now) toxic boss? It’s a v secure job, and we rely on my salary so it’s a big thing to leave. Especially as I worry maybe I couldn’t cope anywhere.

Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat @Anon535 , I feel very close to needing to be signed off.

No, it's not tenable to be in that scenario.

Happened in my first job, she basically (illegally) demanded I give my notice; it was a job I'd worked at ages to get but it wasn't worth enough money for a legal fight, so I did it, which was scary at it was a competitive industry, especially at the bottom rung.

Very fortunately landed a better paid job with a lovely boss before my notice ran out.

So sorry to hear. I had a similar ish crisis last year. I had counselling and started ADs and they helped enormously. I also took a longish holiday.
Still hate my boss but I'm so much more resilient now and just give far fewer f*s.
I would definitely try and seek support and some time out if you can. You will get through this, you do need to prioritise your mental health though.
Sending

Ps forgot to add (and not sure if relevant for you) but HRT also helped a lot

I left one job because my boss was so vile. My daughter was a baby so I walked out one day and never went back. She saw me out with the pram and tried to lick my arse but I told her where to go. My baby was only about 8 months old so I thought fuck this you aren’t making my life miserable and didn’t look back.

I always recommend able futures
https://able-futures.co.uk

I’m in a similar situation and like @Anon535 currently signed off.
Do you have a plan? I’m angling for voluntary redundancy- would be good all round. We’re running a deficit, but my specific ill health toxic work situation is due to a lack of leadership- literally, of the three people above me two posts are vacant so I suspect it might not happen.

Depends. Are you looking to progress further in your role? You sound like you're doing really well in your current position. He can't take that away from you. I think for me, that would make the difference.

If it is affecting you though, can you not try and clear the air with him?

Is your boss the top of the chain, or could you talk to his boss about how badly you are being treated?

I’ve made so many mistakes over the last 18 months and destroyed my reputation

My boss hates me. Various things happened about 6-9 months and he changed from being supportive to never having a good word to say about anything I do

your words, and I hate to say it but surely there's a connection here between you making lots of mistakes and your boss hating you.

I think I must be reading a very different post!

Take the vacant job above you and see how they like it?! ;)

He is the most senior person in the organisation I could report to, hence why any change in reporting line would be seen as a demotion. I wouldn’t lose any salary if my reporting line changed but it would mean I would no longer be Exec. He does have a sort of boss, who I get on very well with (perhaps too well - this may be one of the reasons he turned against me) but jumping over my boss’ head could be a career ender. Also I’m fairly sure from boss’ boss’ demeanour that he has been briefing against me. I do intend to bring it up with him at our PM conversation in a weeks time but I fully expect to get stone walled. He’s far too wily to say outright he wants me to leave I think (although he came close to it before Christmas). I did want to progress (and he indicated I could before the mess about the resignation) but at this stage that ship has gone and I would settle for my current job, it’s a pretty good job overall - if my boss wasn’t trying to bring me down.

Keep looking for a new job but be choosy about it rather than leaping to whatever comes up.

In my experience a bad relationship with your boss ruins a job as you have to make so many compromises ultimately to your own detriment. At the end of the day it is a toxic situation/relationship.

I am in a similar situation - my new boss is a nightmare piece of work and if I stay I am committing to spending most of my time managing her poor conduct.

Rather than engage with your boss about it though put the energy into bettering your situation eg getting a new job, getting some help with your MH to get yourself better equipped to get out.

I think it best that I try my very hardest to contain work to work (easier said that done!) and look for a new job - being very choosy about it though so god knows if I’ll find one. He made another dig today, sigh. Daily at this stage….
Before the fecking resignation debacle he was talking about promoting me. What a mess. All the regrets, and thinking I should have done this, and why did I do that…are not helping with the mental health either!

My boss doesn't hate me but I have a similarish situation in that how they treat me has ruined my self esteem and confidence at work. I cannot do anything right and am constantly blamed for others' mistakes etc. Just hearing my boss's voice down the corridor makes me feel sick. I am extremely unhappy with the whole thing and see no way past it other than to leave.

It's so hard and I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP.