Miserable about work after maternity leave

YourLilacFawn · 2025-01-06T09:49:49+00:00

Hi everyone, I’m very new to Mumsnet so not even sure if doing this right or posting in the right! I’m looking for advice from mum’s who have returned to work after having a baby. I took 9 months off with my little boy, and during that time left what was a very stressful full-time job and started at a part-time role which is less stress. I’ve been at my new role for a good few months now and I still find myself crying all the time about working. I feel like such a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for my current role. My manager is very supportive. I work 3 days a week spread over 5, and so get most afternoons with the baby still and I get paid well for it. I feel so silly getting upset as I know I’m in a fortunate position with the role I have, but just it feels so wrong going to work and leaving my baby. I want to stay with him all the time and look after him. We can’t afford for me to fully quit work and be a stay at home mum. Has anyone else felt like this where their job is quite accommodating but they still feel terrible going to work. I cry frequently and feel so depressed when I have to drop the baby off. I just need some advice on how people got over the mum guilt and sadness going back to work!

Onlyonekenobe · 06/01/2025 14:05

Hi OP, I'm afraid I can't help constructively as I felt exactly the same as you and quit working and never went back. Until my first DC was born, my life was my work and I loved it. I had an amazing job, amazing pay, lots of travel and I was really, really good at what I did. But having my first child hit me like a tonne of bricks and it's like the neurons in my brain rearranged themselves and told me that my absolute priority was my child, that nothing else mattered. Over the years (that DC is a teen now) the feelings have mellowed but my conviction that I did the right thing has only strengthened: as they grow older, after the mind- and soul-crushing years of baby and toddlerhood (which I hated!), the years fly by and I am now dreading that they will be over all too soon. My SAHM years will constitute 20 years of my life, if I'm lucky, and I will treasure them. There's no getting them back, and they can't be repeated with grandchildren. I will move onto other things when my DC have left home.

Is there any way you can reduce your hours even more? Do you really, truly need your income? Do you plan to have more DC? Your baby is still very little so you're still in the grip of hormonal influences. This will wane, and you'll be able to think more "rationally" in terms of the baby not being a priority to the exclusion of all else. You need to not lose sight of the need for your own financial independence (whether you earn your own money or you come to an arrangement with your DH), and there's a lot to be said for having balance in your life. Not everyone enjoys being a SAHM, and even for those who do it's not all rainbows and unicorns.

Don't ignore these feelings, see what you can do to rearrange your lives, but try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Give it a year at work on these reduced hours and see how you feel. It really is true that they need you more the older they get, with hindsight really it's the baby and toddler years that can be better outsourced than the later years. Good luck, whatever you do.

Harassedevictee · 06/01/2025 17:53

@YourLilacFawn I feel for you and know many mum’s feel the same. I also appreciate it’s not always feasible to be a SAHM.

Constructively could you work your part time hours over 3 days? Yes it’s 3 full days away from your son but it would give you 4 days each week with him. Full days with your son should feel like better quality time than the half days,

Original poster

YourLilacFawn · 06/01/2025 18:53

Onlyonekenobe · 06/01/2025 14:05

Hi OP, I'm afraid I can't help constructively as I felt exactly the same as you and quit working and never went back. Until my first DC was born, my life was my work and I loved it. I had an amazing job, amazing pay, lots of travel and I was really, really good at what I did. But having my first child hit me like a tonne of bricks and it's like the neurons in my brain rearranged themselves and told me that my absolute priority was my child, that nothing else mattered. Over the years (that DC is a teen now) the feelings have mellowed but my conviction that I did the right thing has only strengthened: as they grow older, after the mind- and soul-crushing years of baby and toddlerhood (which I hated!), the years fly by and I am now dreading that they will be over all too soon. My SAHM years will constitute 20 years of my life, if I'm lucky, and I will treasure them. There's no getting them back, and they can't be repeated with grandchildren. I will move onto other things when my DC have left home.

Is there any way you can reduce your hours even more? Do you really, truly need your income? Do you plan to have more DC? Your baby is still very little so you're still in the grip of hormonal influences. This will wane, and you'll be able to think more "rationally" in terms of the baby not being a priority to the exclusion of all else. You need to not lose sight of the need for your own financial independence (whether you earn your own money or you come to an arrangement with your DH), and there's a lot to be said for having balance in your life. Not everyone enjoys being a SAHM, and even for those who do it's not all rainbows and unicorns.

Don't ignore these feelings, see what you can do to rearrange your lives, but try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Give it a year at work on these reduced hours and see how you feel. It really is true that they need you more the older they get, with hindsight really it's the baby and toddler years that can be better outsourced than the later years. Good luck, whatever you do.

Thanks @Onlyonekenobe. This is exactly how I feel, that I don’t want to waste my time with him. We’re going to try for a second baby in the summer, so maybe I hold on until I’m on maternity leave and then see how I feel after baby number two as I would have been in my new role for over a year by that point.

OP posts:

Original poster

YourLilacFawn · 06/01/2025 18:54

Thanks @Harassedevictee, that’s a good idea, I may speak to my manager and see if this is an option.

OP posts:

CaliforniaIsMyHappyPlace · 06/01/2025 20:14

If you like the job I would ask if you could cut your days first. Decent part time jobs are like gold dust!

I was considering giving up work to be a SAHM but instead I went back 3 days x 5 hours.That meant I had 4 full days at home with kids and on my 3 working days I was home by 2.30. Not only did I feel I had plenty time with the kids but it meant when they went to school I still had a professional, relatively well paid job AND I was around to do school pick up, after school activities etc every day.

A couple of friends who gave up work for a few years have only been able to get back into their line of work by taking full time jobs and now feel they're missing out on a lot of their kids lives.

I know it won't help how you feel better at the moment but this job may really suit your family life in a few years time.

Original poster

YourLilacFawn · 08/01/2025 18:36

CaliforniaIsMyHappyPlace · 06/01/2025 20:14

If you like the job I would ask if you could cut your days first. Decent part time jobs are like gold dust!

I was considering giving up work to be a SAHM but instead I went back 3 days x 5 hours.That meant I had 4 full days at home with kids and on my 3 working days I was home by 2.30. Not only did I feel I had plenty time with the kids but it meant when they went to school I still had a professional, relatively well paid job AND I was around to do school pick up, after school activities etc every day.

A couple of friends who gave up work for a few years have only been able to get back into their line of work by taking full time jobs and now feel they're missing out on a lot of their kids lives.

I know it won't help how you feel better at the moment but this job may really suit your family life in a few years time.

Yeah I think you’re right, I would definitely hate to have to go back full time if I were to leave this job, and I would worry a bit if I was a SAHM and my husband were to lose his job or something. I think I just need to plan fun things for the afternoon as I did that today and work didn’t feel so bad.

OP posts: