Colleague at work is living rent free in my head. Help me to stop being ridic

[40andlovelife]

Began a new job 10 months ago and there were 12 new starters as part of a new team. I really like the job and am exceeding the probationary milestones. I worked as a teacher for just under 20 years and never once had issues with any of my colleagues during that time. Sure, there were some who weren't my cup of tea and I wasn't theirs but I was civil and so were they. No issues.

Fast forwards to now in this relatively new team. I get on with the team, managers and those outside of the team. But there's this one woman who whenever I state an idea or opinion, verbally or on teams, is always the first to disagree. Her disagreeing points can be quite tenuous in that her disagreement sometimes lacks strong relevance to the point I've made .
She comes across as very superior. I have tried being friendly, complimenting her work and involving her in convos etc as my initial thought was that I had done something to piss her off. Who knows? I may have done!

I would like to just give her a wide berth but I can't because I am part of a team and that requires opinions / ideas/ questions . It's when she replies I just want to tell her to F off but for obvious reasons I cannot.

Anyway, she keeps popping into my head as she really irritates me as I know when I say something she is the first to respond and it's always negative. I have never had to learn to switch off from people after work. Interested in hearing how people have dealt with similar people.

Irritating but not a huge deal IMO. It sounds like she’s a peer. So would ignore the behaviour and continue to be professional but not interact more with her than is essential.

She will make herself look silly making negative comments, if she does it a lot.

I'd come up with a stock phrase, such as 'Interesting. Thanks for that, Janet' to whatever negativity she came out with. Said in a very neutral tone.

Talk to your manager about this upsetting you

Turn it around on her.

'Thanks for your feedback Sandra, do you have any suggestions for how we could get round that?'

'Appreciate your thoughts Sandra, the objective is XX, if my suggestion isn't workable, do you have one that you think would allow us to meet that objective?'

'Great to have the opportunity to hash this out Sandra, I think my idea will help to improve this process but it's good to look at it from all angles, what would you do differently to make it a better idea?'

Right now she's naysaying everything without adding anything positive to the discussion. Invite her to be a productive contributor, if she's not capable or willing to do that it will soon become evident.

I've managed a few people who seem to thrive on raising problems or knocking other people down, my first approach is always to invite them to bring a solution rather than just pass off the problem.

She’ll be irritating everyone else too. She’s also making herself look a bit of a twat if her points aren’t even relevant. Ignore, it’s likely all your colleagues and manager are just eye rolling/ silently thinking ‘fgs, here she goes again’. We have someone a bit like this at work too. It took me a while to start treating her as white noise every time she opened her mouth, but I don’t let her bother me in the slightest these days.

@Civilservant totally agree not a huge deal and some people face far worse at work! Defo agree with minimising interaction.

@Hatty65 I like this and it will work in verbal conversations. Can't really use it on teams as it sounds arse kissey written down but with the neutral tone will work in face to face .

Exactly this. If she sees an issue with something, then she needs to come up with a workable solution.

@InfoSecInTheCity love these and I think this approach will work when she does in teams conversations too.

@ApparentlyRockBottomHasABasement yes I hope other people are seeing it too.

When you catch yourself thinking about her - start singing the silliest song you know. You can't do both at the same time. 😁

@SunnieShine good advice , I'm thinking ' you canny shove ya granny off the bus'

Is it you specifically she is naysaying? Does she do it to other people too?

Can you share an opinion she herself has shared before? That way if she disagrees with you, you can respond with “That’s funny - last week you said staggered lunchtimes would be a good idea” and she’ll look like a twat.

@pictoosh I saw her do it to a male colleague on teams once but he hardly ever discussses things on the chat so I have been unable to see evidence of her doing it to him again. We are civil service so teams chats are important as we are at home 40%. It's not like I can and neither do I want to stay off the teams chats.

Honestly, it's just me, I'm not a fading wallflower by any stretch so it's not like she is tryna pick on the quiet one either.

What I would say is that she is very processes focussed and I'm very human focussed. So my ideas/ thoughts always include recognition of how a process supports or negatively impacts people. It's these things she tends to naysay. But as I says sometimes her links are really tenuous too.

I think the suggestion of saying great to hash this out on here janet what do you suggest? - is brilliant. Just keep passing it back to her. Maybe even offer a - great to hash stuff out with you again Janet ? If that's acceptable in your line of work highlighting that it's happened many times ?

Great advice.

Have you ever thought you're the problem? And that your ideas aren't really as good as you think?

'all opinions welcome. Thanks'.

She keeps "popping into you head?"

That's EXACTLY her game. She is devoid of attention in some other area of her life.

She sees in you everything she craves (respect, knowledge, people liking you etc) and she is trying to drag you down to make herself feel better.

Nah this isn't what I was saying. It's more about the fact her retorts are only tenuously related to the opinion I express.

Great to hash that out though cosy L.

If that was the issue, presumably somebody other than this woman would pipe up too. If it is just one little raincloud jumping in to criticise every single time and nobody else is saying anything negative, it’s her not OP.

I had a colleague like this once. It was draining and irritating but not more than that - till she exploded and quit out of the blue. It turned out that she had extreme anxiety and while I was feeling mildly annoyed, she was building every single thing I did into not how she would do it and just holding everything way too tightly.

It was a complete confection but people like this poison their own well. You can't change them and can only try not to let it bring you down in the process.

Even though it seems focused on you, it's probably not about you at all and more about her own insecurities and anxieties. Maybe she feels inadequate around you and her retorts are her subconscious way of trying to combat this. Obviously this isn't your problem to solve and it's her own responsibility to manage this but sometimes having some empathy and insight can help you deal with how the behavior is making you feel.

A PP gave some excellent responses which can be used - I agree with the approach of encouraging her to provide her own solution instead of just shitting on yours which isn't productive.

You say she is very process focused whilst you are more focused on the human element. Do you try to deviate from processes depending on the human being? I have a colleague who is very driven by kindness (a great quality) and will often process things without charging a fee if the client is having a hard time but this drives me mad as it causes problems in the longer term if they are later asked for a fee ("last time i wasnt charged, im going to complain!" etc)

Could your deviation from the process be causing issues for her? Just trying to see it from her point of view but absolutely no criticism towards you here.

I think when you reply to her, say 'OK, but how does that relate to my Point? '

In other words tell her that you don't understand what she's saying, make her explain.

They don't sound wired right to me. Others will see it too. Just keep being yourself and continue expressing your ideas and create a firm boundary around them.