Should I take the job? Working full time with small kids

[SassyPearlDuck]

Help! I recently got made redundant from my incredibly flexible role which allowed for majority wfh, school pick ups and hours made up in evenings. I also had very little work during the summer holidays so I could spend time with the kids.

I have a 4 year old with suspected adhd and hypermobility which makes him very tired and a nearly 2 year old.

I have been offered a job which is full time in the office with an hour commute each way. The salary is great and company/ opportunity is great. Somewhere I would love to work.

However my partner works long hours 9am -7-8pm most days. I would still be the default parent.

I'm an indecisive person. Half of me wants to take the job and have the career and money. Have something for myself. The other half can't bear the thought of hardly seeing the kids, the stress, exhaustion, juggle of it all. Having the kids for long hours in wraparound care would most likely be hard for my son who gets very tired and needs a lot of attention. However things are expensive nowadays and it would be a struggle financially for me to be a stay at home mum. Plus I keep thinking they will adjust to the new routine.

Should I take the job? I am an events coordinator so most roles I am suitable for are on site. I just had a lucky situation in my past job.

You may as well try it and see. If it doesn't work at least you've given it a go.

Oh remember you can also apply for flexible working, wait til you've proved yourself and work out how it would work with the new role first.

Could you negotiate 4 days? Even if you start full time, you might be able to negotiate flexible working a bit further down the line. I think it's worth a go, if it doesn't work out you haven't lost anything.

Does your DH need to work to 7/8pm every single night? I'd be chatting to him about stepping up to help with school runs, even just an earlier finish once a week will help.

I would still be the default parent.

No you won't be.
If you take this job, it'll benefit the whole family. So you need to sit down and discuss how you will no longer be the default parent and he will split things genuintly 50:50.

If you're both out of the house 12 hours per day, you'll need more childcare - will the cost of that wipe out any benefits of the new role?

Is your partner prepared to amend their hours?

Are you married?

I've made this call before, but in reverse - my first few years I worked FT, on site, in pretty inflexible roles. DS thrived at nursery and it was good for me to build my career. I've now landed the 'unicorn', super flexible, there for every pickup and school play role - and it's magical. I'm glad I stuck it out til I found something perfect for me, and didn't compromise on my career in the meantime.

There's nothing to say you can't take the job, and then look for something that mirrors your previous one in terms of flex once you're there. Keeping a foot in the ring (invaluable, especially when it comes to events where things change so quickly!) is good and can help you negotiate for a better role later on down the line.

Take it. You need a job

I think you have to really really want to do a job that is fulltime with a commute to make it work with another partner who is doing the same aswell as small children.

There are lots of sacrifices you’ll have to make and it’s likely to be stressful.

outsourcing cleaning/meals/childcare is best way to reduce stress. Most people I know with both parents fulltime commuters have an au pair or a nanny.

the small years go by quickly, so it’s just whether you are willing to make the sacrifice for those years or if there might be a less demanding job just for the short term with the view to taking this sort of job in a few years.

Needs to be a discussion with your husband as it will really impact both of you and you’ll both have to catch up in the evenings etc with shared life admin

Only you know how much stress you're able to take, but full time with young DC is hideous in my experience. In fact even as they get older, it's still really bloody hard. So personally nope I wouldn't.

Why would you still be the default parent? Does your partner have no parental responsibility?

Thanks for your responses. I would be the default parent in the sense that if the kids are sick, need pick ups etc I would be the one to do it. My husband just has a very demanding job with little flexibility and would earn more than me. He pulls his weight in many other ways, domestic tasks etc. Just has a very demanding job.

Your new job sounds pretty demanding too and this should definitely be split. If your husband is that senior, he'll have some flexibility. Or put him in charge of identifying emergency childcare.

Your husband needs to be all in, totally on board and 100% supportive of your decision and you need to be excruciatingly clear about expectations that he will step up as a parent, at least for the first 6 months of your new role.
This won't work unless you both compromise ie if a child gets sick wed thur Fri he takes time off, if mon tues you take time off, he does 50% of childcare moving forwards etc.

If you don't sort this with him, you will be exhausted within months.

Your career is just as important as his. What has he sacrificed for the joy of having children? Nothing. Well, now is his chance to step up until you have a more flexible position.

Hi I’ve recently left a similar job. My eldest is being assessed for ADHD.
What was killer was the 10 hour commute on top of full time, which meant DC were in breakfast and after school club.

My eldest really couldn’t cope with this, and I was getting in late often due to meltdowns in the morning.

I also found it stressful to want to prove myself in a new role but still early on require days off due to child illness etc.

Ultimately they couldn’t be flexible but it was a good experience work wise, however I’ve realised we can’t have two parents with FT inflexible jobs.

That said could you get a childminder/nanny? I think that could make all the difference.

I should add I agree with PP. The only reason I got through 6 months was DH picked up more slack. If your partner can’t do this and you won’t have a nanny I think it could be really hard.

We have 2 children with SEN and both have demanding jobs (though not totally full time hours). It only works as we are scrupulous about splitting eg time off if the kids are ill. I think before you make any decisions on this, you need to have a conversation about going forwards.

If you can afford it I would definitely advise to try and do part time if you can’t work from home. The pressure of two ft working parents is immense. When I did it for a year I felt I wasn’t doing the either my job or parenting well. It is true that children grow up so quickly. Some people prefer to work than be at home with their children. That’s fine. We are all different. I’d keep my career going part time and go ft in two or three years time.

I wouldn’t do this if I were you. It sounds horrible - you’ll be torn into pieces.

So many women say this - it’s like they’re quoting from the wife manual. Just because his job is “demanding” and he earns more, it doesn’t mean his job is more important or that he is more important. Sick children shouldn’t only impact their mothers jobs/career progression/earning potential. This attitude drives me mad. Men are perfectly capable of telling their employers that they need to leave to collect a sick child, it’s just that women have been programmed to think it is their sole responsibility, and our careers nosedive as a result.

This.

What would he do if he was a woman or if he was married to a higher earning partner? I bet he'd suddenly be able to find some flexibility.

It doesn't necessarily need to be completely 50-50, but there's absolutely no reason why a man in a senior position can't do a couple of school pick ups a week in this day and age.

Just has a very demanding job.

So do I.
It doesn't stop me doing my share of school pick ups and sick days 🤷🏼‍♀️