Giving feedback

[FlakyJadeSnail]

I have to provide feed back to someone on their communication style. I need to do this without coming across as confrontational myself, but keeping a strong line. I’ve been reading up on how to break circular thinking cycles as this is one issue we are dealing with.

The person I am giving feedback to doesn’t believe there is a problem with their comms style and is a strong believer in ‘freedom of speech’ and speaking their mind in any way they see fit to. It is now a conflict with others and conduct issue so has to be addressed.

They are passive aggressive, confrontational, persistent and do not take any feedback or wish to reflect so far. The team dynamic is hostile and fractious due to the headbutting and something needs to improve because it’s affecting the work.

This is an ongoing problem and we are right at the start of what I think will be a long road.

My plan is to start out to try to reach a collaborative agreement (understanding) with them about workplace and professional etiquette and lay out a set of expectations of what is and isn’t acceptable using examples of their style and where this has caused conflict and why.

As they believe this just to be a simple difference of personality and my opinion (it isn’t, it’s the opinion of many) am also going to request they attend some training on active listening and communication and set this as a goal. I expect this will be rejected and progress to a further stage but if anyone has had to deliver this kind of feedback I would love to knock some ideas and suggestions around about a good approach with a very resistant person.

thanks

This is going to be quite difficult if the person doesn't believe their comms style needs to change. I feel for you. I regularly have to give people feedback, and it's far easier if they're open and have a growth mindset.

What you've set out sounds like a good starting point. Do you have active (and reflective?) listening courses you can refer them to? If they're not going to take any responsibility and resist, it's going to be a real challenge (you have my sympathies).

I'm sure this is obvious, but preparing them so they know what the meeting will be about should help. Then start with asking only open questions, ask them how they feel and reflectively listen to them: ie disarm them - hopefully they'll be less defensive and more receptive to your ideas once they've had their say and felt heard.

Compliment them on things they do well first and talk about how you assume their intentions are always good first so they're not defensive. Then speak about the benefits of good communication style and what good looks like. And don't suggest only they do the training. Make it so the whole team does.

Are you familiar with Radical Candour? That could be helpful - showing you care and being direct about what needs to change.

This might sound naff, but I find Google Gemini really helpful for this stuff. Or whatever AI you use I guess. I say something like

I work in a UK solicitors office. I need to feedback to a colleague beneath me these things they are doing wrong, clearly communicate the correct way. And negotiate a reasonable timeframe for improvement along with a support plan.

The colleague has prior instances of not reacting well to feedback, deflects, and becomes defensive. Can you give me three ways I can handle this with minimum negativity.

It will run through some scenarios for you and you can tweak them until you are happy.

Great suggestions thanks. I am writing myself a plan. I usually know the outline for a guide for myself but so far I’ve had great success working with my instincts and going with the flow of the person I am speaking to and I’ve had great results this way but I think this situation needs planning and tact as it will be far more challenging.

They know why this meeting is taking place.

I was going to open with open questions and ask their opinions.

They do work hard but this is becoming part of the circular thinking. With the circular thinking I wanted to try to show them how this is holding them back - they believe X is an issue, but continue to do Q so they go straight back to X. They are frustrated not seeing any progress. I cannot help them any more than I have done, they are holding themselves back now.

They haven’t tried doing ABCDE so perhaps I could enlighten them to consider trying something new and help them find a way out of the cycle.

I will look up radical candour! Thanks

How did it go OP?

OP you have written a lengthy, convoluted email about something that frankly should be easy to address so I don't think the comms problem is only coming from this person's side...

If you are their manager you should have addressed this early and given the employee clear direction about how and why they should improve their behaviour and also made it clear that as this was affecting work and the team dynamic.

Then you should have moved to a formal disciplinary process if there was no improvement after a set amount of time. You should also be able to give this person actual examples of what they said that was not acceptable, so they know exactly what the problem is.

By just leaving this to go on and on you are also part of the issue.

If I were on the receiving end of what you’re planning I’d want specific examples of what needs to change, explanations of why the team / work requires the change and examples of how the examples could have been handled differently. As a basic premise show and get agreement that freedom of speech is not compromised by tact and politeness. But thinking of people I’ve known who took pride in being blunt, I think what’s required is training by an external provider on communication skills.

@Startingagainandagain I appreciate your feedback. I am bouncing ideas around and gave some context on an anon forum. The person in question is very tricky and it is not that simple as a slap on the wrist.

If you are not keen on my writing style please feel free to scroll past. Commenting is optional.

If it helps, the reason it is tricky is that they have somewhat of a paranoid delusional conspiracy theory mindset. This type of mindset is virtually impossible to reason with, but I have to try. If this fails I can move to the next step.

I do not have a combative management style you do not get the best from people by demanding it or using threats of action against them. You get the best from people because they choose to give it to you by being inspired/secure/content/settled etc. Even from a tribunal perspective you have to be seen as being fair, so bearing this in mind I must provide an opportunity for this matter to be put to bed and move on collaboratively. As I said if it fails, I’ve done all I can and their future is in their own hands.