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Help me reply to a message from former employer

34 replies

Agapornis · 10/12/2024 15:04

Dearest MN'ers! Can you please help me respond to a text I received from a former 'employer'? I'm sorry if this is long. Her message may seem friendly but in context, not so much, so I don't want to dripfeed.

Until a few months ago, for about a year I did some self-employed work to the value of about £3-500/25-30 hours a month for a local charity run by one person. Note that it being a charity is a bit of red herring - it was the most efficient way to get grants and pay herself plenty.

She was very frustrating to work with for about 30% of the time. She tried to haggle about invoices for previously agreed hours a few times; seemed to have a chip on her shoulder about quite a lot of things and people [including acquaintances ignoring her in the street, relevant later]; insinuated I had mental health problems; and would occasionally mention conflict with people she'd previously worked with (yeah, red flag!). Her knowledge of how to legally run a charity was minimal (I had to say 'no, you can't do that, this is required' a lot). Her partner and one of the trustees commented a couple of times that they were surprised that I'd lasted this long compared to previous people in the role.

In the end, I had a few weeks' break during which she tried to haggle about invoices for the third or fourth time, and considering I didn't need the money, I quit. Telling her (in person) was very tense. The reason for quitting I gave was that I'd been offered a fulltime job elsewhere (didn't want to give the real reasons). There was no contract and no planned work, so I left immediately.

In the weeks after, she sent about 2-5 emails and texts asking me to do more work for free as part of a handover (I'd already written a handover document, she just couldn't comprehend parts of it - she's very dyslexic), and falsely accused me of not giving her access to and deliberately deleting documents (she emailed later saying she figured out the access). I decided not to reply to any of it (was busy with other work and couldn't be arsed).

She has now sent this, slightly edited to anonymise. Tempting as it is to ignore again, I'd like to come across as the adult in the room. How would you reply?

"Hey Agapornis, hope you are well, do you want to talk at any point? Nothing to do with work, just that I saw you in [town] last week, and it would have been nice to say hello. If you don't want to, that’s fine, but let me know if you do. Hope all is going well for you, take care."

To me it reads quite passive aggressive ('it would have been nice'), a tone she's used before. I very much don't want to talk, but I want to keep it superficial and shut down any further texts. No doubt she'll spot me in town again some time. I'm thinking something like:

"Hi [Twat], I'm well thanks, very busy. I didn't see you, my mind was probably elsewhere, with headphones in! Hope you have a nice Christmas."

She's told me she's not on Mumsnet, but if any of the trustees read this, now you know why I quit 😅

OP posts:
murasaki · 10/12/2024 15:08

I'd just ignore it.

TokyoSushi · 10/12/2024 15:08

If you don't want/need anything to do with her, just block and don't reply.

villagecrafts · 10/12/2024 15:09

Very strange of her to say she saw you in town 'and it would have been nice to say hello'...

Why didn't she then?

But I'd ignore that and not engage, bearing in mind the backstory.

I think the reply you've drafted sounds about right. Bright and breezy but going nowhere.

fluffiphlox · 10/12/2024 15:09

Ignore and press on.

noobiedoobie · 10/12/2024 15:13

Chat GPT says

Here’s a polite and friendly response:


Hi [Name],

Thank you for reaching out—it’s really thoughtful of you. I appreciate the kind message, and it’s nice to hear from you. I’m doing well, thank you, and I hope you are too.

At the moment, I don’t think I’m up for meeting, but I genuinely wish you all the best and hope everything is going great on your end. Take care and thank you again for saying hello!

Best,
Agapornis

Oceansriseempiresfall · 10/12/2024 15:16

I would 100% ignore her message. She's going to think you're having an ongoing conversation if you say anything and keep contacting you. She already is repeatedly contacting you even though you haven't responded or said hello to her.

Agapornis · 10/12/2024 15:18

villagecrafts · 10/12/2024 15:09

Very strange of her to say she saw you in town 'and it would have been nice to say hello'...

Why didn't she then?

But I'd ignore that and not engage, bearing in mind the backstory.

I think the reply you've drafted sounds about right. Bright and breezy but going nowhere.

I agree - that is the kind of person she is!

OP posts:
Agapornis · 10/12/2024 15:19

Blocking isn't my thing.
I don't want to ignore because these things tend to linger in the back of my mind. So replying would be for my benefit, not hers.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 10/12/2024 15:25

Just go with "No Thanks"

Minerbirdy · 10/12/2024 15:44

I’d just ignore, but I’d have no problem forgetting about someone

desperatedaysareover · 10/12/2024 15:44

‘Hi June

Thanks for that. All go here, very busy. Hope you’re well, take care,

Aggie’

the proposed stuff about headphones and mind elsewhere makes it clear her barb landed and also like you give a shit what she thinks. Personally I would also ignore it but if it will bug you then just be so bland her eyeballs shrivel up and roll away.

Jom222 · 10/12/2024 15:44

chat gpt gave me these for passive aggressive ways to decline chatting

If you're aiming to express that you no longer want to chat in a direct, but still passive-aggressive manner, you could say something like:

  • "I think it's probably best if we don't continue this conversation."
  • "I feel like we’ve said all that needs to be said, so I’ll just leave it at that."
  • "I’m sure you can find someone else to chat with."
  • "I believe our conversation has run its course."
These phrases convey your message without being too confrontational, but still make it clear you don't want to continue the interaction.

I like the first and last phrases personally. Of course you'd need to clean it up a bit but the phrases might help?

And if you do ever see her in public make sure to studiously ignore her 😅

Sassybooklover · 10/12/2024 16:04

Sounds like a made-up excuse to contact you again! Trying to wiggle her foot in the door, and then bam, she'll ask you to do more work for her! She's definitely not contacted you (in my opinion) because she fancies a catch up! She wants something! I'd ignore her. As soon as you reply, there'll be a few generic messages and then suddenly, she'll slip in the real reasons why she contacted you!

BeeCucumber · 10/12/2024 16:07

Agree with @Sassybooklover - your former employer wants something done for free.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 10/12/2024 16:09

I would ignore it.

"Let me know if you do"

You don't. So no need to reply.

Agapornis · 10/12/2024 16:33

Sassybooklover · 10/12/2024 16:04

Sounds like a made-up excuse to contact you again! Trying to wiggle her foot in the door, and then bam, she'll ask you to do more work for her! She's definitely not contacted you (in my opinion) because she fancies a catch up! She wants something! I'd ignore her. As soon as you reply, there'll be a few generic messages and then suddenly, she'll slip in the real reasons why she contacted you!

Hmm, she didn't routinely try to get people to do things for free - but good point. But if she did actually ask, I'd have no problem saying no!

OP posts:
Whijfif · 10/12/2024 16:36

Agree with PPs she probably wants something.

I'd either ignore completely or else reply something vague like

"Hi,
Yes all good here thanks, life is very busy.
Hope you're well and have a lovely Christmas

Aga"

If she responds anything more then ignore

Talipesmum · 10/12/2024 16:36

I think your suggested reply is fine. She’ll likely respond to it though. At which point you can ignore again.

Jumbledig · 10/12/2024 16:41

I wouldn't bother replying. Unless you really want/need her in your life. I wouldn't block, but I wouldn't reply.

If she's ever crass enough to corner you and ask why you didn't respond... well, you were busy with work and Christmas stuff, weren't you? It must have just slipped your mind.

Agapornis · 10/12/2024 16:50

desperatedaysareover · 10/12/2024 15:44

‘Hi June

Thanks for that. All go here, very busy. Hope you’re well, take care,

Aggie’

the proposed stuff about headphones and mind elsewhere makes it clear her barb landed and also like you give a shit what she thinks. Personally I would also ignore it but if it will bug you then just be so bland her eyeballs shrivel up and roll away.

Good point. I'll go with a combo of this and @Whijfif's equally bland suggestion - thanks folks. And yes, will most definitely ignore any further replies! It will indeed just slip my mind. It's been several days already, read receipts are turned off 😎

Hadn't considered she might not actually have seen me in town (we did occasionally bump into each qother before I quit) - you're all far more sceptical than me 😁

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 10/12/2024 16:50

Would you want to be friends with her, completely taking work and what happened previously out of the equation? If not, and you want to be polite but distant, just say, 'nice to hear from you. Next time, please do come and say hello.' and just leave it at that.

If you think you'd like to be friends, then arrange to catch up over a drink or coffee.

Don't overthink it. She sounds a pain tbh so I'd be going for the former. Or even just full on ignoring the message. No need to go so far as to block.

AlbertCamusflage · 10/12/2024 16:51

Your suggested reply seems to confirm that you did in fact see her and decided not to acknowledge her (eg you imply that you knew it happened when you had headphones in). If she doesn't already know that, it might be accidentally very antagonising.
Might be safer not to reply at all. I don't think that would detract from being the adult in the room. If you do decide to reply, something much briefer would be best - "Hi [name]. Thanks for your message. Hope you have a good Christmas."

Doggymummar · 10/12/2024 16:54

Oh sorry, didn't see you. I'm good thanks. Have a nice Christmas

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 10/12/2024 17:07

I would ignore it completely. She's not your friend, you never want to work for her again, you don't care for her, it's fine, you're not obliged to answer at all.

If she texts again leave it for several days before replying with something non committal or just ignore it again.

Agapornis · 10/12/2024 18:11

@AlbertCamusflage she may remember that I have headphones in pretty much all the time, but yeah fair point.

For clarity, I definitely didn't see her!

Message sent. Thanks for you input everyone. Will update you if she responds in a particularly entertaining manner. Hopefully it'll be tumbleweeds - I certainly won't engage further.

OP posts: