Worried about my mental health- can no longer judge well or lead

[PonderThus]

I suppose I am posting for some anonymous venting, but also to get some honest thoughts on my situation.
I work in a department that is broken, it is toxic and my LM is a dominating, narcissistic manager. This is what 90% of dept think, not just me. Only staff who rate them are senior managers as this manager knows how to play the game etc.
I try to manage my immediate team and thought, though we all feel the strain, our team got on okay.
Last week I was pulled into a crisis response across the company by my LM and told I had to drop everything to respond as we could cease trading if immediate fix not organised. Not my fault etc, just asked because of my experience. This meant I had to ask one of my team to cover things for a couple of weeks.
I’ve had to try to juggle both jobs and not been easy, long nights, no support from my LM etc. It has also meant of not been to some meetings and have been a bit scatty brained.
This report pulled me up last week to say that by not turning up to some meetings and not being present to do both jobs the team think I am disrespectful and chaotic. This member of staff trusted to tell me but was visibly angry. Said didn’t want to make it personal but that my recent responses, on top of the toxic department were too much.
I of course apologised and said I would immediately reflect and be more present. However I also feel a bit shaken by the whole experience.
I’ve always tried to protect my team, I care about them and paced workload. For this out of the blue situation I expected them to perhaps reach out and help and feel this rather brusque response makes me feel very much on the outside and that my view of relationships across my immediate team have been way off.
I feel ashamed and nervous going back to work- I feel like ‘that manager’ that everyone dislikes, but I’ve worked so hard to try to create a caring team.
any reflections of words of advice on this situation or perhaps what to do next? Thank you x

Can you get your team together on Monday and
. Apologise for not being around for the last fortnight
. Explain why
. Work out a holding solution until crisis is over

Thank you- I have planned to do this in the new year as not all team are on site at the moment.
I’m just a bit worried that this particular member of staff has projected their frustrations with the overall department onto me. So whilst they can’t change the department and they are too scared to raise those concerns, targeting me gives them some sort of victory. I worry that there is nothing I can now do right in their eyes……but because I’m stressed and tired I am also catastrophising a bit too, I’m sure.

This

This report pulled me up last week to say that by not turning up to some meetings and not being present to do both jobs the team think I am disrespectful and chaotic

Erm....did you not point out to this person that you are doing two jobs to help out as a team player and what you need from them is a bit more team spirit as well. Let them know this is their opportunity to step up as well!

Don't be a martyr, pass some work on to your team.

Hmmm. A few years ago I could have almost written your post OP. SLightly diffreent circumstances but also worked in a toxic department with a real bitch of a line manager. Like you I'd always cared about my team, protected them from the toxicity, and managed a fair and reasonable workload for them. They told everyone (so it wasn't just my opinion) how great a manager I was and they wanted to stay working with me forever. The LM decided to make my entire team redundant (literally with no reason - we had funding for another two years and the funding would be lost if the team was disbanded). I fought her on the redundancies and the staff "had my back" - until she miraculously managed to find suitable alternative roles for everyone except me. Then I found out the true measure of the team.

Funnily enough I actually won (I didn't expect to), got redeployed into another department that was great to work for and created a new team, and they got left in the toxic department and discovered the meaning of toxic. They are marked as not trustworthy by the same manager that tried to oust us all because they "switched sides" to hers when given the chance, and five years later are all stuck in dead end roles with no chance of progression.

So I certainly wouldn't apologise to your team. They know why you are in this position, and instead of being supportive they are taking out the fact that they can't cope on you. I would simply tell them that, as they know, you are working to secure all their jobs given the serious nature of the companies position, and you expected better of them to be bitching behind your back. You know that they are doing it, and if they wish to carry on doing it then have at it. You'll still be working hard at saving their jobs. I'd also carefully consider why all the trust and support you have given them has left them unable to cope without you for a short period - are they actually pulling their weight or are they letting you do all the heavy lifting?

Thanks Wonder- I did and they responded to that by saying that they now had a health scare because of all they’ve had to do (across a couple of weeks) and that it has been going on longer than that too. I asked for examples of where I have missed the mark before the crisis and they had none.

I assume you are looking for another job?

Yes, been looking for a new job for last 6 months. It’s tough though, not many roles at the moment.
I’m willing to take a pay cut, change sector, just want to have a job that doesn’t take over and cause so much stress. Though perhaps that’s just what work is like nowadays.
I get recognition for my work etc, so don’t think it’s a ‘me’ thing. I just think I’m probably a bit too soft and care too much, including worrying far too much about what people think.
Thanks EmmaM, sounds a very similar situation x