Unkind new colleague

[Stoptakingmysellotape]

Name change as outing.

I have a new colleague. They are excellent at their job, and we normally work remotely so I don't meet them often in person. I enjoy working with them remotely, they are easy and professional to work with. I'm probably about 15 years older and we are at different life stages, but this is irrelevant normally because we just get on well and do our jobs.

However the two times now that I've met them in person they've made quite unkind remarks to me. The first time was about an activity I said I'd done and enjoyed - they said it was mumsy. This time it was about my clothing - telling me they're sure it'll come back into fashion soon.

I've put on quite a bit of weight recently so not much is fitting me and I'm self conscious about this, but actually I'd thought I looked quite nice. Also I'm feeling quite rubbish after being ill recently, feeling a bit crap in general and I'm going through a hard time with my family. So the comment hit a nerve with me and actually spoiled my day. Both times they made an unkind comment I called them out on it and they then said "I was just joking" when I said wow that was a bit harsh.

I don't want to create an issue at work but also I'd quite like this person to understand that what they're saying is actually hurtful and just leave me alone when I see them. I don't want to go telling tales to their manager and make this worse. But also I'm getting angry and if it continues I feel like I'm going to say something back that probably won't be complimentary!! They strike me as the type who feels they are entitled to speak their mind. Wwyd?

I’m fond of, “Did you mean to be so rude?” which I learnt from Mumsnet. If they follow up with the “iI’s only a joke” comment, say, “Sorry, I don’t understand how that’s humorous. Could you explain it to me please?”

You've called them out twice. They don't seem to care. I would give them one verbal warning next time they "speak their mind". Something along the lines of "this is the third time you've been rude to me. Next time I am going to speak to my manager about formally requesting you to stop being so unpleasant". And do it.

Ooh I like both of those thanks!

I feel popping a Scooby poo in a box and posting it would be beneficial.

Agree with @Zimunya & she sounds awful & there’s no way those comments are in any way a joke.

Just a joke?

Respond with, "It wasn't funny. Try harder."

IME people making comments like these need to be squashed quickly and put in their place.

They hide behind the "It's just a joke," bullshit.

Don't let them
Be steely faced and assertive.

Thank you! Glad I'm not just being oversensitive. The irony is we work in a very empathetic organisation and the ethos is kindness to all. First time I was a bit stunned and said er what!? This time I was quite nippy back and called them out on being unkind. But I'm seeing my manager this week and was considering whether to say something or not. I'm thinking not and just see if it happens again.

Well in my huge organisation, "it was only a joke", is deemed as harassment.

My manager would be entirely supportive I'm sure, it really wasn't kind. The first time someone was with me and afterwards remarked on how unkind it was of them to say what they said.

I usually go with "thats rude" or I ask them to repeat it and pretend i don't understand.
"what was that about my dress? It will come back into fashion? What do you mean?"

good on you for calling them out.
I'd just say "I thought jokes were supposed to be funny? I'm sorry I don't really 'get' what's funny about calling my clothes unfashionable, can you explain?'

Or 'Right. I tend to only joke with good friends who have the same sense of humour as me. With colleagues I think it's better to be professional. Let's stick with that for now.'

Appreciate why you don't want to escalate to a manager now but I'd still make sure to jot everything down - time, date, and what was said, just in case she ever says anything worse or she doesn't stop so you can evidence a pattern of behaviour and that you have tried to resolve it yourself, if needed.

I'd assume she is dealing with some low self confidence and insecurity.

I agree.

Yes, when they pull the 'only a joke' reply, ask them who is laughing and give them a hard stare.

I go with a variation on this, "a joke is when the other person laughs". How sarcastic I make my tone of voice varies

One more it's just a joke,I'd reply I'll pass on to HR and we'll see how funny that is.
Then it's up to you whether you follow through with that action.leave her stewing thinking what may happen.

Give it back to them???

'Why are you wearing that?'

'Why on earth do you live in that area?? Are you poor or something??'

Etc etc

Or, just respond with

Silence

Especially effective when there are other people around

I suspect they are ambitious, have identified you as a rival/threat at work and are trying to put you down as a result. I would give them no attention at all from now on. The reply about HR is good. Or 'oh, you're still being rude to me? I'll be off then' and just walk away.

I agree - a factual “that was rude”, delivered sternly and looking them in the eye.
Or “what did you say to me?” equally sternly.
If they say it was a joke, “no, that isn’t what a joke is”.

I actually think I'm just thoroughly irrelevant to them. I'm older, I have kids, I'm not cool in their eyes. I'm really good at my job though and they don't know me well. I've kept quite patient so far but I can be quite outspoken myself (except I rein it in professional situations). It's an irritation just now, but these replies have given me ideas for what to say next time!

Yep silent stare and then chancoge the subject

I like the idea of the silence. Nicely uncomfortable

I would say "that's rude" and walk away. You don't have to put up with that shit from a colleague.

"It's only a joke if both people find it funny.........."