Concerns over employee - potential DV

[ElaborateCushion]

Hello all. I will preface this by saying I am seeking guidance from our HR provider on this, but some "real life" insight would be useful too. This is long, so I apologise in advance!

I have an employee, who I am becoming increasingly concerned about and worry that there is something going on in her home life. She is very secretive about her home life and as far as we have been led to believe, she lives with her partner and mother (she's in her mid 20's, if it's of any relevance).

We operate a hybrid working policy where everyone is expected to be in the office 2-3 days per week/5 times in a fortnight.

She has had more "accidents" in the last few years that have left her injured and unable to come to the office, so has asked to work from home more.

The latest incident was last week where she was apparently hospitalised with severe back pain/sciatica, brought on by one of the earlier injuries that she didn't seek physiotherapy for, although was apparently advised to.

She has since said that she was aiming to come into the office but each day since she has been unable to.

She has worked from home (and from the hospital) over the last couple of weeks, but I am becoming increasingly concerned that there may be something going on at home.

She is never off sick long enough for us to be able to request, under our policies, documentary evidence, though this is a point I'm taking advice on from HR, as it is impacting her ability to meet the hybrid working expectations of coming in.

In summary, the reasons I have a growing concerns:

• In the last three years she has twice been "knocked over" by a car or van (so had to WFH while recovering). All the "injuries" she's had could also be explained by DV.
• Recent incident of being hospitalised by apparent back pain (again, could potentially be a DV incident)
• Used to live quite locally, but moved away for reasons that are different depending on who you talk to. Now lives far enough away that it takes her around 90 mins to get to work on public transport (and asked for her work day to be rearranged so she can leave work early to be home by a specified time). If it's of any relativity to the story, where she used to live, in the pandemic, we used to be able to drop work to her, so we saw her even if she was WFH - now we can't.
• Seems to have been dissuaded from learning to drive, even though she could afford to and would make her working life easier.

Ultimately I'm concerned that there may be some DV going on at home and/or a controlling relationship as it could be interpreted that she has been removed from a close location to work, to make it difficult for her to get her, and therefore kept in the home and isolated. The "accidents" she has have left her injured and unable to travel, or are there injuries also that she needs to cover up for other DV signs?

It may be that I've spent too much time on the MN boards and that she genuinely is just very accident prone, but I couldn't bear to think that something might be going on behind closed doors and I didn't do anything.

So, wise MNers, what would you do?

Should I have a conversation with her along the lines of "Is everything OK at home?"

If you're an employer/manager/team leader, how would you approach it?

If you've been unfortunate enough to have been on the other side, would you have wanted your boss to say something, or did they?

Thanks in advance for your wisdom...

It's a tough call. I've been in this position as a manager, and also spoken to other managers with similar concerns. I don't think there's a simple answer that will cater for all circumstances. People are all very different. Without knowing her (or you) I think that this would be how I handle it:

(a) fall back on "process" as my starting point - in places I have worked then regular short term sickness would trigger the sickness absence policies; and although we would be flexible around hybrid working /wfh for reasons connected to sickness if appropriate, regular use of this would trigger alarm bells vis-a-vis the hybrid working policy. So that's you "gateway" - as an employer adherence to process and policy is your legal responsibility and you must treat all employees fairly and even-handedly.
(b) I would schedule a meeting to outline my concerns about attendance, whether that be the amount of sickness, the amount of WFH or both, evidencing my concerns with the facts. Then I would ask the employee if they had any explanation to offer in mitigation of these facts - is there anything at all that can explain why they are struggling, having so many accidents or whatever. This gives them an opportunity to explain what is happening that is laeading to this situation.
(c) If they cannot provide a reasonable explanation I would outline my expectations of attendance and the likley consequences of those expectations not being met, which in short would be a further review of attendance and, ultimately, potential dismissal. Then I would ask them again if they wanted to give any further information that might help me to understand or support their circumstances. If nothing is forthcoming I would explain that this meeting and it's contents will be written up and they will be provided with a copy.

And yes, you really ought to do all that because that is what fair employers do - you have a duty to her but also to your other staff, yourself and your business. No matter how good a person you want to be, you have to be all that too.

And that is where I would do something different:

(d) I would then say that I am not taking the next bit formally and there will be no written record of it, but I have reason to believe that there may be another explanation for her absences. I would outline my concerns, say that if I am right, I want to help, and if I am right she can ask now or at any time for help. And leave it to her to make that choice, if indeed there is DV going on. The meeting can then end there or not, depending on her reaction.

But - and this is where it will seem cruel - you really do have a responsibility to your business and ALL your employees. That is, as an employer, your biggest concern. Even if you are right, there is only so much that you can do unless he is willing to step up. Your other staff are having to cover her work when she is off sick - that isn't fair on them. Your other staff have to observe the policies and attendance requirements - her not doing so isn't fair on them. You have a business / service to run - if it goes pear shaped then none of your employees have a job.

Thank you - you're absolutely right on all of it, of course.

It's where being an employer comes with extra challenges - splitting yourself between head (as the employer focussing on the business) and heart (personal connection and not wanting anything bad to be happening to her).

I'll set up a meeting with her when she's next in to talk to her about concerns over attendance (and the related inefficiencies we're seeing, but didn't mention in my OP).

Work comes first, but giving her the opportunity to open up if the work discussion leads that way as part of a mitigation discussion.

Thanks so much for taking the time to give such a detailed response.

I've helped someone but not in work. I would see what HR advise; maybe call one of the DV helplines or look up guidance on how to support someone (to have in mind what you could potentially say and also that you may not be able to change much if she does say yes - bear in mind that supporting someone going through DV can also be tough on you); and if you do chat with her about this over a call, make sure there's no-one in earshot at her end.

@ElaborateCushion I'll set up a meeting with her when she's next in to talk to her about concerns over attendance (and the related inefficiencies we're seeing, but didn't mention in my OP).

Ermm - no? You set up a meeting in writing telling her it is a formal meeting to discuss XX YY and ZZ. Just as you would in any formal process. You want to protect her if she needs help - you need to protect yourself too. And you tell her where and when to attend - no leaving it until she in "next in" (which may be never!) This is important business and you need to treat it as such.

And yes, you must address performance issues too if those are occuring - again you need to do so to be fair to everyone. You can be a decent, fair and honest person as a manager / employer - but it must be spread across all your people not just one of them. Even if you are right, and even though we all know how hard it can be for people to walk away from DV or manipulation, in the end that is down to her. You can hold a door open for her, but you can't throw her through it!

Maybe she just can’t be arsed with the commute?

Difficult one. Has she always been like this or is it a recent development. If she moved away maybe she just doesn't like the commute.

Raise performance with her following your company's process for sure. Maybe use a one on one to signpost to any EAPs you have as part of a wider conversation. You can't go straight in and ask if everything is ok at home.

I think it would be unbelievably ill advised to try and discuss DV when she's WFH. If her mum or partner are controlling then they might well be listening.

Have you seen any evidence of any of these injuries? What makes you think DV rather than say trying to find excuses so that she doesn't have to do the 90-minute commute?

The reason I ask is because if you have seen injuries that might be a fact you can raise to get the conversation going.

I didn't suggest that she did? My point was that the OP suggested that she talk to her "when she is next in" and my response was that it is not informal - she is the employer and tells her that she will be coming to a meeting. Deciding when she will next be in is not an option.

Sorry, I totally misread your post!

https://www.hestia.org/respond-to-abuse

I highly recommend contacting this free employers line (ignore the covid references).

I would be suspicious that she's given you excuses not to come into the office

I think you're right to be concerned and it's very easy to put the manager hat on only. Brilliant advice line in PP.
I understand the business need here and the formal meetings, but if you have genuine concerns please get additional support. No use speaking to her when she's WFH either.

Yes - sorry - that's what I meant. Was just typing quickly - formally invite her to a meeting to discuss the specific points (though our HR people have previously advised that a first investigation meeting in any disciplinary process doesn't need to be formal or forewarned). We are very conscious of treating everyone equally and have recently had a similar conversation with someone else about their performance.

The "me giving her an opportunity to open up" definitely comes from the point of view of wanting to do something to help her personally if I can, but as you say, whether she opens up, is down to her. At least she'd know that the door is open, if she were to ever need it.

I would definitely only give her the opportunity to discuss personal issues in the office - never when she's WFH - I may sound naïve, but I promise I'm not that naïve!

@Resilience - no, never seen - she has always been "fully recovered" when she's back in the office. @FergussSingsTheBlues @boulevardofbrokendreamss - it could very well be that she can't be bothered with the commute.

I did say in my OP that I may have just read too many horror stories on MN about controlling relationships and DV that I'm putting too much on it, but it certainly could fit the issues we're seeing, just as much as being lazy would.

@Figgygal - thanks very much for the link - I'll take a look so I can be prepared if it is the case.

Never thought I'd be in a position to wish my team member was just being lazy, but that is definitely my preference at this point!

Performance we can address.

If I hadn't seen any evidence of some of these injuries I'd be inclined to think she might just be pulling sickies. But if she was hit by a car twice surely she'd be claiming on their insurance, the police would be involved? I guess you just don't really know. It's a good idea to do a formal process relating to the absences and then give her the opportunity to say if something bad is happening. I certainly hope it's not. She might just be chaotic, very unlucky, lazy, a piss head?

@BobbyBiscuits makes a good point. If she was injured as a result of a car accident then it is normal that any claim for injury includes repaying sick pay where an employer has paid it. When I was involved in an accident my employer was contacted directly so that they could obtain information about the number of days off sick and the amount paid out in sick pay. It would be a very, very minor injury that didn't result in any sick pay at all - even SSP. I had only a slight whiplash, and it still kept me off for three weeks, although fortunately there were no lasting issues.

@ElaborateCushion We had similar at my last work. There was always excuse after excuse why she couldn't come in / was off sick / was at the hospital. And her husband even worked at our company which made it even more difficult to handle.

Anyway without going into major detail, it turned out she was an alcoholic. She was forever having "accidents" but they were all drink related. She couldn't drive to work as she'd been banned (I can't remember what excuse she used for not being able to come in).

So yeah, it might be DV but also there are other things that go on behind closed doors that could also be the cause...

In your meeting can you agree set days she'll come in for a while? You could then arrange to be in yourself on these days and observe how she is. If she is just taking the mick with not wanting to be in it'll address this and become noticeable pretty quickly if she's always ill on those days.

Tbh you must be very kind hearted because my first thoughts are that she's just taking the p**s . Sounds like she doesn't want to come into the office and is making up crazy excuses. Especially the fact that it's never long enough to warrant a sick note, that is very suspicious. If you had serious accidents like that you would be off long term.

I did say to someone else the other day that we have a habit of being too nice sometimes. That works brilliantly when people are appreciative of us being nice and flexible, but unfortunately if you get a piss taker it can ruin it for everyone.

Thanks for the further comments. I don't think it's drink, etc. She's very much a "clean living" person - plant based diet, etc.

We've always just got the feeling that she's being pressurised at home and she's conflicted between wanting to get on with her work (because when she's working well, she's brilliant) and keeping someone at home happy.

I do take the point that there could be plenty of reasons other than just laziness or DV.

That is a very good point from @BobbyBiscuits - that thought had never crossed my mind, but again, she's ready with the excuse as she said on both occasions they were her fault for not looking where she was going. All have been low speed accidents that just left her bruised, etc.

If she's just bruised that doesn't prevent her from attending the workplace.

We've always just got the feeling that she's being pressurised at home and she's conflicted between wanting to get on with her work (because when she's working well, she's brilliant) and keeping someone at home happy.

I’m not sure where this feeling is coming from? Unless there is pretty solid backstory to this I honestly think she just doesn’t want to commute and you are being a bit soft. Have you any proper proof of being knocked down in a road accident (x2), hospital stays, injuries?

Surely she had extended leave signed off by a doctor after being hit by a car? Did she get a police report?

HR person here.

Can your HR team put out some reminders of wellbeing/support services for people struggling over the festive period, including DV support?

Also reminders about your ways of working.

You also need to tell her that you need to talk to her about the frequency of her absences/lack of attendance at work, informally, and understand any support she may need to improve her attendance at work. Nothing that implies she is in trouble, as it could exacerbate any DV situation.

I just wanted to add that when I was suffering from DV and it started affecting my work, I was also simultaneously chaotic, unlucky, lazy, and a piss head. DV makes people drive themselves to drink etc. I ended up leaving my job when I should have LTB. I regret that every day since.

Sounds like she just wants to work from home to me . Nothing really suggests DV red flags tbh .