Gossip about me dating a colleague

[MollieMex]

Earlier this year I had a brief relationship with a colleague in my team, who reported to me. At the time I thought it was going to be a serious thing, so I reported it to my line manager and HR as soon as the situation arose. They took it well and appreciated my honesty, and said that if the relationship was going to be long-term he would be moved to a different team, but to wait a few months until the relationship was more settled to make permanent decisions.

During those months, the relationship ended amicably as it emerged that he had ongoing issues with depression that were not compatible with cultivating a relationship. I reported the relationship in January and we broke up in May. We have got along well since as colleagues and friends. My manager and HR were informed that the relationship ended and they made the decision to keep him in his current role, reporting to me (which we are both fine with). The news that we were dating never came out, until now.

Yesterday I was alerted by a colleague and friend in another team that her manager (a peer to me) has been asking around about me and my ex. Apparently he heard some gossips and he is now asking around if we are dating. I have no idea how the rumor started, but I know sometimes people can spot this stuff even if you think you are careful.

Technically I have done nothing wrong and my job is safe, since I did the right thing back then. Colleague and I have been working together fine, there is zero drama and I wish him the best on his depression recovery journey. Obviously I am still annoyed that the gossip is out, but I made the decision to start the relationship knowing the potential implications so I have to deal with the consequences now.

I am inclined to ignore the gossip and let it die out, but I'd like to hear some opinions. How would you handle the situation? Would you confront the colleague and explain yourself? Or ignore it?

Thanks!

I’d go back to HR and ask for the gossip to be stopped.

I’d let it die out and ignore unless it got worse.

Ignore it.

You went through the right channels, so you're covered professionally.

There is, however, a personal judgement there that if you dated/slept with a subordinate that reports to you, you may be biased, consciously, or unconsciously towards him. HIS peers will log this.

It is not the best decision to have a romantic interaction with someone you work with. I've been approached many times by men at work. A couple were interesting, but I've always declined. My private life is just that, private. Work is work.

It'll blow over. Suck it up until it does. Equally, if anyone is unprofessional in their conduct around this, report them.

I'd say nothing and ignore.

Perhaps the person who asked is trying to find out if the previous relationship is over as they'd like to get to know you but didn't want to if you were already in a relationship.

Hmm I think it’s tricky.

Ultimately, you say you and the junior colleague you were dating are fine with the situation now. But quite honestly, other colleagues might not be so keen on the idea. I would definitely feel a bit peeved if I found out a colleague had history with our shared boss, and was in ‘friend’ category. The optics of any of your decision making can become clouded, which is particularly so if you have any role in bonuses/perks.

The old ‘don’t shit on your own doorstep’ comes to mind.

Ignore the gossip, confronting your colleague is only going to make this into a drama which it isn’t. Ditto going to HR, what are they meant to do? Ask your colleague where they heard the information from, then track down that colleague and so on? I agree with whomever said it’s never a great idea to date junior colleagues though, regardless of how the relationship finished it has changed the nature of your work relationship too.

I think it was an extremely odd decision by HR to allow you to continue managing someone who you are having/had a relationship with. The length of the relationship is totally irrelevant. Lines have been crossed.

You have done the right thing by reporting to HR, but HR have ballsed up by the sound of things.

Yes tbh I would have preferred for HR to move him to another team, but didn't feel like I was in a position to insist after all the upheaval I had caused so I just sucked up it. I also don't think it is great that I am still his manager but I accept this is the consequence of my decisions so I can't complain really.