Money or mental and physical health?

[WouldIBeMad]

I wrote a big long post, then realised fuck me, it was a moan. I really don't want to sound like my diamond shoes are too tight.

So I'll put it simply. I feel like I'm wasting my life.

If your fairly well paid job was sucking the life out of you, making you anxious, stressed and depressed (diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety) made you feel like you were wasting your life, and potentially limiting it as you're mental and physical health is taking a hit. Would you quit for a part time minimum wage job that you could leave at the door?

Feel guilty as DH hates his job, it's very volatile and reactive in that they make redundancies monthly, but he's v well paid, and has to stick it out for various reasons I won't go into. But I also think we'd save some of the money of the pay cut, simply in being more organised, and not comfort spending (fuck it, I've had a shit day, I deserve that jumper sort of thing) and I could take some of the pressure of DH at home as right now we split everything 50/50 and constantly feel bogged down and overwhelmed.

I know whatever job I take will be hard work, and I'm trying really hard not to idealise it, but right now, it feels like it's worth the pay cut and lifestyle change.

Would I be mad? Has anybody else done this, if so how did it work out?

No, I certainly wouldn't quit a 'fairly well-paying' full time job for a minimum wage part time job. You'd be putting yourself in a precarious financial situation and significantly jeopardising your future career and your future income, both in terms of future salary and future pensions. Your DH's job is not that relevant here. It's relevant in the sense that as a family you have another source of income and it's not as risky as you just doing this alone, but it would be a terrible idea for you to become financially reliant on him on a poor wage, even if his industry didn't have constant redundancies.

Why is this extreme solution proposed? If your job is making you miserable, why rush immediately to the idea of a minimally paid job with few hours? I would instead look around for another 'fairly well paid' job that I thought might be interesting and less miserable.

Life is absolutely far too short to stay in a job that is genuinely adversely affecting your mental and physical health, for sure, but does it have to be all or nothing? I also don't think when in the midst of a serious depression is really the best time to be making long-term life altering decisions, if possible. Would a career break or a period of time off sick with the option to return to your job (or quit if you really do decide that's best) be possible for you?

Going from full time well paid work to part time minimum wage would be quite an extreme change, have you really, properly done your sums to understand how this would affect your household finances and what day to day life would look like considering you would want to save a fair chunk against the possibility of your DH also being out of work for a period of time if redundancies in his industry are common and also towards retirement as on part-time minimum wage your pension contributions presumably minimal.

Is there any in-between option, obviously I don't know what you do but would part-time or flexible working in your current job be an option? Could you take a lower graded role in your current line of work or a sideways step to a different industry but similar role, more relaxed or sustainable pace, or even go freelance or self-employed (although that can bring more stress)? Or what about thinking of retraining into something non minimum wage but that would be more fulfilling and a nicer life for you? If it's not the work itself but the balance with family life and responsibilities that's causing the stress could you throw money at solving that problem i.e. really good childcare and help at home and/or the absolute best therapy and treatment for your depression, could be cheaper than you quitting work altogether?

I guess what I am trying to say is don't fall into the trap of thinking that because a job is minimum wage/low paid it automatically means low stress, lots of minimum wage jobs are actually really difficult either physically and/or because they involve dealing with the general public that treat you like scum. Also not always easily compatible with family life, yes part-time should give you more hours but not all minimum wage jobs are a nice Mon-Fri 9-5 expectation, and some have shift patterns or variable hours that can actually be really annoying to fit around kids/home/hobbies. All of that may still be preferable to your current situation for you but I would really try and take a step back and do some deep thinking about what it is that satisfies and fulfills you in a job (and 100% do include earning a good wage in that, people feel some kind of shame around admitting money is important but of course it is) and what you find distressing and stressful - we're all different but you need to try and think of what kind of job maximises the former while minimising the latter. If that lands on something which is very low paid then fine, you'll need to work out how you can make your lifestyle fit your income but actually you may find your preference is for something more in the middle and that will give you a goal to work towards?

HI @Precipice thanks for your speedy response!

I've been looking at other jobs in similar salary ranges, but the jobs market right now isn't particularly brilliant, and hasn't been for the last two years. This isn't a knee jerk reaction, and perhaps by trying to keep it concise I have missed out details.

I have never enjoyed my job, whatever business I worked for, but am pretty good at it, and previously allowed for flexibility for when the kids were little. However, as the industry progresses, so have expectations on how much of your time you should give. To put it into perspective, I know multiple people in the industry give up and retrain to be paramedics/therapists and are 'finding it less stressful.' and yes, I know that sounds unbelievable.

I don't want a career at the moment, I want a life. But, that doesn't rule out retraining for something else once I've recharged, and have stopped lying awake at night worrying about what the next day will bring.

However, I do agree it would be a big risk, one - as somebody who is always risk averse and an avid rule keeper - I've held back on for a while, not even voicing until the last few weeks. Friends have encouraged me to take the leap, but it's very easy to encourage people when it's not you - so I'm grateful for your honesty and will add your thoughts to the cons list!

HI @maxelly - thank you, this is a really considered response.

I am currently freelance, and have been for 16 years. Part time isn't really a thing for me, they say jump and I say how high - I appreciate this is me problem, which is why I don't think I'm built for this industry. I used to feel really ashamed of myself for thinking that, but now I think it's fine to actually admit you are a specific kind of person, and suit different roles.

It's deffo the work/industry and not the family. But yes, I have looked at more fulfilling roles - that I like the idea of - but right now the thought of retraining feels overwhelming and expensive, but maybe something to consider alongside something else when I've recovered?

Edit to add, I am lucky enough that I actually like the appeal of shift work, and don't have to worry about the children during this as they are old enough to take themselves where they be, which is why I say above, it's all very much the job, rather than family pressure. The only family pressure I have is I feel like we're wasting time together while we have it.

Maybe a timeline would be something to consider of doing x for x years with the aim to be back doing y by a set date.

Thank you - your response has been incredibly helpful!

Depends on what other expenses you have.

I purposefully picked a smaller house so it was cheaper, easier to maintain and could be mortgage free quickly to then give more flexibility ability in the type of roles i could take on.

If you have a £££££ mortgage and would be leaving it all on DHs shoulders then no. But I'd take stock of your current lifestyle, what you actually want out of life together then look at where you are happy to compromise. Could you downsize and both go down to ,4 days a week etc.

I would not stay in a job that affects my mental and physical health.

You can always get another job but you won't get another life/mind/body.

I think both of you should look at making changes if you are equally miserable with your job situation.

Cut down on your outgoings, look at relocating/downsizing...

Basically both start making a long term plan to improve your work life.