Strategies to deal with my new boss

[ClaudiaWankleman]

I started a new job a month ago and I do realise I am very much in the bedding in stage. However I haven’t encountered a manager like my own before and I need advice on how to deal with the situation.

It feels sometimes like I am being set up to fail by my manager. This is compounded by the fact she flies off the handle - she has already had a big go at me which I think was very unfair.

A couple of examples where it feels like I'm being set up to feel silly:

• I was asked to fill in a client questionnaire using a range of internal and external documents. Some of the feedback received included that I'd got a job title wrong, that the correct title was in XYZ document and 'could we please get these kinds of thing right'. I checked in the signposted document and it was as I'd written, the external document is incorrect. No acknowledgement of this fact and I was made to feel quite awkward for pointing it out.
• Same task and I am using the client contracts to respond. I received a large amount of feedback which essentially said 'no, do it again'. It transpires she has provided out of date documents to me.
• I was told that some of our documents 'needed uplift'. At a later date I asked her to point out the parts that needed uplift which was met with a blank face. Apparently no uplift is required and I was questioned about where I thought we were lacking. When I tried to explain I felt quite stupid as if I didn't know the basics of the regulatory requirements and that was my issue.
• She had a big go at me which resulted in a moody couple of days for misunderstanding what she was asking me to do. I think the ambiguity was on her side and there were opportunities for her to correct me before it got to the stage it did. The situation ended with me taking responsibility for not understanding.

Other minor queries are often met with 'its in our policies, you need to know the back to front. you've been given ample opportunity to read them' etc. It's true I have been able to read them all, but the practice is different to the theory.

I know some responses will inevitably say leave, but I am determined to stick it out for a while. I need the money, there is a nice sized bonus guaranteed at the end of March, and I really wanted this career move. So, my big question is what strategies can you suggest to help me get by without being too ground down? TIA!

Seriouly, leave.

Your manager clearly is useless and has no interest in investing time with you.

Always something better out there. This manager is clearly an asshole.

No bonus is worth such shitty behaviour
The longer you’re there the harder it is to leave and your confidence and self esteem will be shot to pieces

I don’t understand what you mean by “needed uplift” in your example, this sounds like a term used in your industry that would need to be explained to a general reader on Mumsnet.

Do you have anyone in the organisation that you could turn to as a mentor/sounding board? I’ve found in the past that it can be a relief to find out that everyone else also has the same reaction to a particular person ie confirms that it’s not you it’s her. and others may have strategies to suggest.

I’ve already said I’m not looking to leave. This career move was significant, not only because it gave me a 17% pay increase, but also because the bonus prospects will add another 10-15% on top. I’ve got a mortgage going up next year and significant life events to pay for. I am willing to sacrifice some of my inner serenity for this, at least for the next 12-15 months while I earn the experience to take the next step somewhere else.

@WhatapityWapiti thanks for your response. I am sure there are people in the organisation but it’s relatively small and I don’t know who those people are yet. In the meantime I need to find some self led strategies.

I’ve started responding to all feedback from my boss as the first thing each day, before I get ground down by the afternoon. This is working relatively well as I do seem much more able to compartmentalise between 9 and 10am compared to at 6pm!

Ok if you are determined to stay some things I would do:

Minimise contact with her for your minor queries. Is there anyone similar level to you who could become your 'buddy' and help you settle in and learn how the place operates?

When you are asking queries to the manager use the words 'I have read the policy which says' whenever you can so she knows you are trying to self solve queries you have and are asking her the ones still unclear to you.

Ask her open ended questions when she is giving you feedback. 'How should I have handled that?' 'What should I have done to prevent that being an issue in the first place?'

It honestly sounds like it's a very detail oriented role which is tough to get right and she is asking for perfection from a newbie. Which is fine but she needs to help you get to the level where you can do it perfectly. Either she is in the wrong role for her and is really feeling the pressure hence giving you of of date docs to use or the place is so disorganized that it's impossible to do the role well. Who was doing the role before you and why did they leave?

Honestly I think some people are like this to test new starters. And also because they are psychopaths. I would treat it like a short term job so that you rise above her weirdness. As you're doing, don't send any kneejerk emails responding to her pettiness. If she blows up, calm say 'can we discuss this at our next meeting please so that I can understand what I need to do..' Basically don't give her the reaction she is expecting. You are right to point out when she's got it wrong- put it in an email so that you've got a record of it. Do you think she will pass your probation?

Yes, where are you re probation? Be careful in case she has an agenda (eg had a preferred internal candidate) and is trying to build a case to get rid of you.

Really useful response, thank you. To answer your last question first, since joining I’ve found out she fired the person I replaced. I’ve not asked too much but I am sure it was 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other in terms of apportioning blame for why that person was fired.

There’s one person on the team I feel confident using as a sounding board. The unfortunate thing is that our manager sits between us which obviously hinders communication, and I don’t want to always be putting things into a Teams chat. But I will persevere here.

I think you need to start job hunting. Maybe you can find a lateral move rather than the next step. Maybe you won’t find anything. But it can’t hurt to look, can it?

And, honestly, if she fired your predecessor there’s a chance she may fire you. You really need to start looking just in case.

Put everything writing for audit trail eg
As discussed, xyz
Referring to your previous instructions

Thanks I appreciate this response. Weirdly I feel quite confident about passing probation. I was hired (including interview with her) to lead a regulatory transformation project but it hasn’t kicked off yet. In the meantime I’ve been bogged down in these very detail oriented tasks which I don’t have the professional experience in (but I am not adverse to getting!)

The reg change project kicks off on Monday and this morning I ran through my kick off slides with her and she actually said the words ‘I am very impressed’ which felt very good. She’s given very useful feedback which I can action. It feels like a new boss to be honest. I am hoping that this project (which she has no practical experience in) will give me some independent working time which will be beneficial.

Also I’m wondering if it would help to talk to her after you gather your sources and before you start a piece of work, to check they’re the right ones to refer to. That maybe helps give you a bit of a trail?

That sounds positive. Would continue as you are and keep compartmentalisingland don't let her stress become your stress. X

Back to normal this morning. I knew it couldn’t last

if you can leave OP, leave. This is an atmosphere worth working in long term.

I DONT WANT TO LEAVE. I WANT THE MASSIVE PAYRISE THIS JOB HAS PROVIDED ME.

I simply wanted to advice on coping strategies for unpredictable and difficult boss so that I can continue to make the most of the huge opportunity this job otherwise presents.

@ClaudiaWankleman I’ve worked in senior leadership for many years. My honest advice is you can’t change batshit crazy people or adapt to their behaviour.

Manager or not, I would put her back in her box about anything like this and be very firm, snappy, loud, and direct here.

"So to recap, what you are saying is that you gave me incorrect or misleading information, but somehow this is my fault? I really want to work with you on this and do a good job, but you have to own your own mistakes and stop blaming me or you and I are really not going to get on. If you don't start sorting yourself out soon I'll have to go over your head."

If you are staying in the job, it's so much better to assert yourself than feel like a doormat every day.

I was in a similar situation previously

• Keep contact on email as much as poss
• Send all the "as discussed" emails after f2f meetings
• Try and make nice with HER boss.
• Make connections / do favours / be nice to anyone in the org who might be influential/of use later.
• use the mornings to tackle it as youve been doing
• embed "corrections" in bigger emails so you have a paper trail but dont be inflammatory in doing so.
• keep your own personal record log book whatever... of her errors / weirdness
• try and have witnesses to her outbursts / temper losses.
• start seeing if theres any internal moves you could line up within the org.

Btw my boss also had flashes of the "I'm impressed" here is useful feedback im acting normal.
it transpired my boss had bipolar amongst other things which explained a lot of his mental abuse to our team. also it took 4 years?! For managment to pay attention but they did actually get rid of him.

Accept this is the way the boss is

They won't change

Keep communication to email

Be aware Teams will be being monitored