Dealing with a difficult colleague

[CherryBlossom2024]

Hi everyone! I'm looking to get some guidance on an issue that has been ongoing for a while now. I'm a department manager for a small company and oversee a team of 7 people. I've been having issues with a team member since the day this person started (5 years ago). I am by no means a micro-manager and I have the best intentions for all staff members, I'm very approachable and happy to help with any issues they may have. I sit amongst the team so I don't have my own office. The issue is I can't ask this person anything relating to her work without it becoming an issue or feeling defensive, this person is nearly 10 years older than me and has a very difficult time taking instructions from me, and I just get this feeling that me being younger is part of the problem. She has shown lack of respect towards me and her colleagues and was reported several times with one written warning. Things are fine for a while but that's only because I haven't pulled her up on anything (I'm too scared to upset the vibe in the office, I know this is the wrong approach but I've tried everything. I've had chats, and asked if something else is going on that is causing this behaviour). I've given clear instructions verbally and written and she is ignoring this. I'm at my wits end, we've had meetings with HR but my boss has said not to report it, as they don't want to deal with this and it won't look good for me. I was quite taken aback by this, I don't know what to do. I've an amazing team, they all enjoy working there and I've received good feedback regarding my management but for some reason I can't seem to get this situation under control and it's affecting me mentally. I just want to get on with my job and I should be able to check in with my team without having this fear. She completely undermines my authority and has crossed the line so many times. What would you do? Anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far! Have a great evening xx

Have you tried communicating by email so you have a trail of her responses?

You do not have to suffer insubordination at all!

Keep pulling her up on things and keep a record of her defiance

The fact that your boss is not supporting you I’m not sure what you can do.

You have a line manager problem. If they won't back you up, you're stuck. I would seriously look for another job because this won't improve. Log everything. Be scrupulous in maintaining a paper/email trail but ultimately you'll get nowhere if your boss is somehow blaming you

Hi! Thanks for the reply.

I would generally put it in writing if an incident has occurred and keep it for my own records or for upper management. It gets incredibly tiring reporting this, I let things go because I don't have the energy to deal with her as it's so draining (I know, completely wrong approach). If she has a problem with something she'd usually say it to me in person, not in writing.

I think you need to find a way of not minding if this person is upset about being managed by you. Do your job anyway. Give instruction / ask for updates etc and if she gets upset, let her. How she feels about you doing your job is not something you can control.

It's there a project or something that she could be given, reporting directly into your unsupportive manager so she becomes their problem to deal with?

I would try to delegate the management of this person to someone else - is there anyone who was a more functional working relationship with her or who could have?

Sometimes there is just a failure to 'gel'. No-one's fault but you just rub each other up the wrong way maybe?

Yes, you're right. We have periods where we get along just fine but that's mainly down to me not checking in with her on a daily basis. I don't have this issue with anyone else. The rest of the team also seem to have difficulties getting along with her from time to time.

Yes perhaps so if she moves to a different department, my boss did suggest this but the office layout doesn't cater for this at this moment in time. This is definitely something I'd like to explore, as I do know she wants to unskill etc.

I think my boss is trying to figure this out without having to involve HR again, he is also frustrated with this situation as it seems to be never ending.

@CherryBlossom2024 but he isn’t figuring it out is he. He’s waiting for some magic moment where she miraculously has a word with herself or a team shift can happen and you can shunt the problem to another team.

This is what infuriates me in corporate and charity organisations I’ve worked in and with. Deal with the fucking problem via HR guided policies. You’ve been lenient. You’ve tried everything else. People like this suck the soul out of work and make it awful for all.

Not managing the staff member will look worse on your record especially if other staff complain to HR as they are at their wits end with her behaviour not being addressed. Then when HR come and ask you why you aren’t managing her - turning round and saying boss said not to won’t do you any favours.

Tell the boss he needs to resolve the situation and make steps within a week or you will contact HR and start formal process. Again.

OP I get it. I have been in a situation for the last year. I have records, logs, evidence, gone through HR. They are so reluctant to take action. I have had 3 HR contacts since July with conflicting advice and now my issue may have timed out because of their stalling. Person has threatened grievence against me. Team members come to me weekly with issues.

It's toxic. The amount of energy directed to one individual takes days from my week and I have deadlines piling up.

The individual is on way more than I am, older and male.

Thing is, I won't find a role like this elsewhere.

Retired management consultant here. I was frequently asked to help out in similar circumstances.

You’ve done a lot of things well, including having meetings with this staff member and asking them to follow your instructions. What’s missing is a follow up to this, having monitored their work in the intervening time.

An employee behaving as you describe isn’t unusual. Whether it has anything to do with your and their age is immaterial. You’re their manager and you have a right to manage their work performance. Unfortunately a lot of organisations fail to sort it out and this troublesome person continues in post.

If your boss has told you not to report issues about this employee, then you must say in that case you can no longer manage the person and request they are removed from your team straight away. You can inform your boss you’ll ask the staff member to pass their work to you and report to your boss for further instructions.

It should now be your boss’s issue to address.

I feel your pain! I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this and hopefully this will get sorted for you at some stage.
It's certainly draining, and so unnecessary isn't it! I feel the same, my work environment (besides this issue) is pleasant, I enjoy going to work and I've a great team! I wish you the best of luck!

I've been debating calling ACAS for advice, obviously not revealing the details. Have you thought of that?

For important discussion, eg the one you had with your manager, I follow up with email to confirm the discussion and outcomes.

God she sounds awful!

Practice challenging her in your head and make it a reality!

Play a radio to break the tense atmosphere?!

you can keep saying to her

‘Please don’t be rude
please don’t speak to me like that
What is your problem exactly

do you understand that you are expected to keep certain behavioural standards towards everyone within the office

practice some one liners