Balance

[LawyerMumAsia]

Hi there. I am nearly 40, working as an in-house lawyer. I have never managed to find balance in my
hone and working life. I have always prioritised work and find it hard to enjoy my evenings and to switch off. If I am with the kids for a bit before bedtime I will be thinking that I need to log back on again so can never fully relax in the evenings with the kids. My job isn’t very stable in that it’s a short term contract role and I’m hoping to get hired as a permanent so I always feel like I need to be online. I never cook dinner for my family or eat with my husband (I would like to sit and have dinner on my work from home days with my husband after kids are in bed). Late at night when I log off work I get a glass of wine and sit and watch my show in another room and then fall asleep so I have ended up in a situation where I’m not even sleeping in the same room as my husband. We are becoming ships in the night. I would really like to make some changes but I don’t really know where to start. how can I be more productive in the day time at work so that when it gets to 6pm I can log off for the day completely. Are there any other in house lawyers here that can shed some light? I feel a bit useless because I actually have a lot of childcare so I should be able to have a more normal structure / time to have dinner with the family in the evening as I dont need to do the school pick up or anything. Thank you

I am not a lawyer but your circumstances were similar sounding to me 7/8 years ago. I left my job but looking back and into my job now, I think you just need to finish at 6 a few nights a week and just make that decision that work can wait until tomorrow. Make a list (I still very much like a list) or do what you need to be able to start where you left off the following day.

It’s hard to switch off and change your mind set. You need to ditch the wine and make sure you’re going to bed. What about going to bed and reading for the time you are watching TV? Then you’re at least sharing a bed with your DH.

You probably are being very productive during the day but just can’t stop into the evening. I think it’s just the mind set of working late that needs to go rather than changing what you do during the day.

I hope that helps. Perhaps not. It is hard to change a routine you’re in. I’ve been there and have come out the other side but as I say that was through a job change.

I am an in house lawyer. Also nearly 40 with two young-ish kids.

For me, it's about setting boundaries and realising that no one will respect you if you're a push over. I separate my to-do list into what's "urgent" compared to what's "important" which gives me some perspective. If I genuinely can't get to something in a reasonable days work (ie by 6pm) I push back and offer another deadline. So I manage expectations without always saying "yes".

I manage two people and for our work culture it is frowned on to work late/weekends because it sends the message that you expect your team to as well. More difficult if your company has a "face time" culture.

Thank you, @steelseries and @Myattention this is genuinely helpful. I agree about lists. I think as long as it’s all captured and written down then I know things won’t fall through the cracks the next day. I am taking annual leave in a few weeks time and I’m going to join a gym and create a better schedule. Agree about ditching the wine, it makes me so sleepy that I find it hard to go back to the master bedroom late at night after my show. And yes the screen isn’t helpful either.

I meant to say - I haven’t exercised in god knows how long. I always rush my kids through bedtimes. I barely give them enough attention as I have this thing in my head that I need to provide for them financially and so I can’t mess my job up. I really need to give my head a wobble as I’m acting like a trainee and I’m actually quite senior now and should be a lot more efficient. My children are beautiful and special and are not getting the best of me. These years will fly by and I will hate myself so am keen to make a change. As a lawyer the role is quite afternoon heavy so I want to focus on getting things out that are more a priority first like you say.

With regard to your comment about the work being afternoon-heavy, is that because it's when the requests come in? Or something else? I have great feedback from my stakeholders (ie I'm never deliberately obstructive and am a can-do person) but I'm also clear that someone else's failure to plan does not equal my emergency. I work in a v fast paced industry so deadlines are commonly same/next day.

I also instigated an exercise routine a couple of years ago. I work out from home on Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays (in the morning) - this helps me stay healthy and has greatly improved my mental health. I also love that my two young kids see "mummy getting strong" as a normal thing and something people should prioritise in a busy life.

I've never been a big drinking and I love an early night (I'm commonly in bed for 8.30pm) so I try to never fall asleep on the sofa - could you help yourself by prioritising sleep and going upstairs earlier to avoid the wine and bad sleep hygiene? Good luck though, it is hard to keep the plate spinning.

Your children deserve to have your attention in the evenings. You deserve to spend that time with them, one day they won’t want you to anymore. Remember that when you’re planning your work day.

Start finishing at 6 on specific days and you will automatically adjust your productivity and adjust deadlines knowing your time is limited now.

Thanks, all. Really good points. Also to add on (yes it gets worse!) i pile on the caffeine late at night. Strong black coffee after 9pm. This contributes to late night snacking as I’m wide awake at a time that i really should not be. Writing it all out really helps me see clearly that something needs to change

This morning i woke up quite uncomfortable as i had lots of chocolate spread late last night. No proper dinner. All for what, not even a very high salary.

@truegum81 a few months now

@PeppyTealDuck you’re absolutely right

@steelseries yes agreed. Basically giving myself a bedtime and sticking to it. Ive never been able to exercise at home but i used to love spin classes. I will look into returning to that.

@steelseries it’s not that requests come in late per se - it’s more that i take a while to buckle down in the morning or to prioritise what needs doing first

Thank you, very much appreciated

Did anyone see what truegum wrote before the messages were deleted? I’m curious now!