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If your partner is self employed do you do most emergancy care?

44 replies

VanillaPlanifolia · 14/11/2024 20:52

If your partner is self employed and you aren't do you do most of the last minute care for the kids etc? Drs appointments, kids ill off school?

How do you juggle it? If you're part time do you make sure your working days you are working wherever possible? I'm getting a bit pissed off with two of my work colleagues acting like their husbands jobs are more important and I'm fed up of covering for them. But is this just how it is when the other partner is self employed?

OP posts:
TickingAlongNicely · 15/11/2024 07:25

DH has a "normal" job... but is away most of the time.
I'm self employed as it means I can work around the children.

It will depend on what the jobs are. DHs job is usually non negotiable... but one of his colleagues was on fully paid leave in 2020 as his partner was a nurse and needed at work more than him (but their disabled child couldn't attend school).

Willooth · 15/11/2024 08:02

Yes, quite often because if my husband didn't show up then none of the team could work. So that would be 5 guys with no pay for the day!

I have a colleague with a similar set up so she does most of the emergency childcare.
Problem is she will have patients who have to be cancelled. They will have waited a while for an appointment, arranged childcare, time off work etc.

BeerForMyHorses · 15/11/2024 08:07

Stereotypically a self employed dad will be a tradesman's and can't just pull off a job.
A self employed mum will be working from a home office and can nip out to pick the kids up.

VanillaPlanifolia · 15/11/2024 08:08

HaPPy8 · 15/11/2024 07:04

Surely if they are taking that much time off it becomes unpaid? We are only allowed a max 5 days pro rata for kids sickness etc and I thought that was quite generous?!

That's generous. Yes. They have been digging into unpaid leave and holiday. One of them is just back off maternity leave so has a lot of holiday saved up, so I kind of understand why she's using it bit at the same time if you're back of mat leave you need to get back into things

OP posts:
taxguru · 15/11/2024 08:16

Depends on what work they do.

Lots of self employed are very much tied to the work, have obligations to customers and other people, don't get paid if they don't work, and may even be contractually liable for losses if the don't finish a job on time etc.

Others will be far more flexible than an employee if their work involved flexible timescales, like freelancing/contracting, website design, graphic design, etc.

I've been running my own small accountancy practice for 25 years. At times, that means I'm very flexible as most work isn't time sensitive to within a few hours, I can usually slack off one day and pick up the work and catch up a day or two later. But, some days, I'll have appointments, or I'll have days working out at client premises, or specific deadlines on certain days of the month where I'm waiting for client data and then only have a small window of time to prepare and submit the return, etc. So, some days, I could easily just have a day off, or a lie in, etc., but others, I have to work, whatever else is thrown at me, as if I didn't I'm not only letting clients down, I could be on the hook for a late filing penalty!

Self employed aren't a homogenous mass all doing the same - different people, different types of work, different responsibilities.

That said, there are clearly "types" of people that use self employment merely as an excuse for not taking on their responsibilities and just using it as an excuse. I.e. maybe a tradie claiming to be too busy on a job, but still finding the time to go to the pub when he finished at 4 instead of picking up his child from school. Or an IT consultant claiming he's too busy to stay home and look after a poorly child, but finds time to spend the afternoon in the gym,

SizemoreJones · 15/11/2024 08:31

My self employed DH provides a service and is very beholden to customers. It's not easy to take a day off without a significant impact.

I am employed. In a team. It might be very inconvenient to everyone including me, but I'll still be paid, and won't lose my job. Even if I end up taking unpaid leave, it's controlled - it's clear how much £ we are losing.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 15/11/2024 08:36

It sounds like your manager is a bit wet, to be honest. Emergencies and illness, fair enough. Pre-planned appointments like the dentist - nah, that has to be taken on days off, or if it's something like NHS speech therapy where there's a massive waiting list and no flex around re-arranging, I would expect them to swap their days off.

Swapping days around = flexible working to me. Getting everyone else to cover = taking the piss.

VanillaPlanifolia · 15/11/2024 08:42

SizemoreJones · 15/11/2024 08:31

My self employed DH provides a service and is very beholden to customers. It's not easy to take a day off without a significant impact.

I am employed. In a team. It might be very inconvenient to everyone including me, but I'll still be paid, and won't lose my job. Even if I end up taking unpaid leave, it's controlled - it's clear how much £ we are losing.

Your boss doesn't employ your husband though.

OP posts:
Pickledprawn · 15/11/2024 08:44

No my partner does the majority of emergency care. I don't get paid if I take the day off but he can be flexible.

tigger1001 · 15/11/2024 09:00

VanillaPlanifolia · 14/11/2024 22:24

If you're the employee does your boss not get pissed off that it's always you? I'm amazed ours hasn't said something yet

Why?? What on earth could they say?

We are both employed but due to his job and emergency pickups or staying off if they were sick was down to me.

My bosses asking (they are all decent people with families of their own so wouldn't ever ask) if he could get them etc doesn't make it any more possible.

Thewifefury · 15/11/2024 10:16

Sorry OP you are pissed off that working parents are digging into their holiday and taking unpaid leave to cover kids stuff? You made out like they were just getting loads of time off gratis. This post is nothing to do with gender roles or employed/ self employed. You don't like your managements flexible working policies and it appears to be grinding your gears that some mums are using what the company allows. If they are working within the company's policies then it you who is being massively unreasonable to get a cob on. If the policy is impacting you and your work discuss that with your line manager. But you need to try to let go of your blame on "these women". We have come so far to get these flexible working conditions - where is the solidarity and empathy?

Willooth · 15/11/2024 10:36

Thewifefury · 15/11/2024 10:16

Sorry OP you are pissed off that working parents are digging into their holiday and taking unpaid leave to cover kids stuff? You made out like they were just getting loads of time off gratis. This post is nothing to do with gender roles or employed/ self employed. You don't like your managements flexible working policies and it appears to be grinding your gears that some mums are using what the company allows. If they are working within the company's policies then it you who is being massively unreasonable to get a cob on. If the policy is impacting you and your work discuss that with your line manager. But you need to try to let go of your blame on "these women". We have come so far to get these flexible working conditions - where is the solidarity and empathy?

I didn't read it that way at all.
I read it that OPs experience was that self employment was the reason being given for the emergency days off not being distributed between both parents. Whereas parents where both are employed by a company may be sharing the care more evenly.
That was my reading

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/11/2024 11:33

Emergency care should be a shared affair. I have told employees they need hubby/wife to do next day.

stanleypops66 · 15/11/2024 11:53

I'm self employed and do all of the emergency care. But I generally work at home (contract type work) and I make my own appts so I would just cancel if I needed to and it wouldn't be the end of the world (unless there was a huge deadline). I'd then work in the evenings to make up time and dh would take over everything else.

Dh job is very inflexible- a manufacturing/ engineering type environment with zero wfh. If I couldn't shift my diary he would take AL or a carers day (though I don't know what his company policy is on this).

SizemoreJones · 15/11/2024 17:12

@VanillaPlanifolia "Your boss doesn't employ your husband though."

No. Of course not. And I don't expect my employer to understand. But I make the decision as to what to do if DC unwell with my DH. Not with my employer. My loyalty is to my family ultimately.

My employer won't sack me for using the unpaid leave parenting policy. If my employer wants to change their policy they can - but I bet they won't.

It's the benefit of being employed.

VanillaPlanifolia · 15/11/2024 19:27

Willooth · 15/11/2024 10:36

I didn't read it that way at all.
I read it that OPs experience was that self employment was the reason being given for the emergency days off not being distributed between both parents. Whereas parents where both are employed by a company may be sharing the care more evenly.
That was my reading

This. This is what's bugging me.

OP posts:
VanillaPlanifolia · 15/11/2024 19:28

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/11/2024 11:33

Emergency care should be a shared affair. I have told employees they need hubby/wife to do next day.

Are you allowed to do that though? Legally? See I agree with you it should be shared ideally but then you're discriminating against those with partners.

OP posts:
tigger1001 · 16/11/2024 14:53

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/11/2024 11:33

Emergency care should be a shared affair. I have told employees they need hubby/wife to do next day.

And what happens if that's just not possible?

Its really not up to you to decide that.

Its when I read threads like this I am grateful I have good and decent bosses who understand the stresses of dealing with ill children without making life even harder.

Hoplolly · 16/11/2024 15:05

Yes, because my work is flexible, I can work from home and my employer doesn't mind if I have kids around (I am management which may make a difference). If DH doesn't work, he doesn't get paid. If I am stuck of course he'd do it.

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