Return to work after a trauma

[howdoyousurvive]

Background:
My daughter was born last November, I had a tough time with PPD and struggled with the jump from 1-2 kids. Fast forward to May, I started feeling better and had done some KIT days at work getting ready to return in September (I’m a teacher and I took 9m maternity and then had the summer).

However, in June my sister and I found our dad in a bad way. Thought he would be ok but following day put in an induced coma and 18 days later (beginning July) he was taken off support and passed. I dealt with everything there after and to say it has been sh*t is an understatement.

i have not been able to face work as of yet but have started to receive emails regarding meetings and occupational health. I do want to return but have been waiting for therapy to begin as my mental health has just plummeted and I want to be well for myself and my kids, not work.

Given all this, my question is, does anyone have any tips or advice when returning to work after trauma? I want to find a routine and not have the anxiety looming over me about losing my job or being pushed out but I am worried about figuring out work life balance with 2 babies whilst also dealing with painful grief as well

Could you manage a phased return starting with maybe one or two days a week?

I am so sorry for your loss, but your employer will not be expecting you to need compassionate leave 3-4 months later. It is usually a couple of days.

Sorry to hear about the tough time you've had.
A phased return to work helped me, signed off by GP. That meant start small and build up over a number of weeks. It took the pressure off me by giving me achieveable goals and gave my employer hope because I was steadily increasing my hours.
Could you negotiate something like that?

How much compassionate leave employers grant and how much time people need off work after bereavement are different things.

Lots of people need far longer than two or three days after a significant bereavement and it's normal for GPs to sign people off work.

Op, I am very sorry for your loss. Have you agreed to occupational health involvement? They will usually be able to advise on whether you are ready to return, what a phased return might look like, and adjustments that could help you. As well as whether you might legally be considered disabled.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum very unexpectedly when dc2 was a toddler - mum collapsed in my arms and was in a coma until she died a few days later. I was due to start a brand new job the following week, and in the haze of grief and guilt I actually did start the job, and nobody stopped me - not dh nor my new boss! I remember making a list of phone calls I needed make make in my lunch hour to tell people my mum had passed away. And then I’d switch back into “work mode”. It was very hard on me emotionally and I don’t think it was very healthy.

It may be possible for you to compartmentalise - you put your professional clothes and hat on, metaphorically and you step into that role; you become the job. It can be almost a relief not to be with people who know how sad you feel; you can put it out of your mind for a few hours. Probably similar to how you cope when you’re with your children and can bottle up the grief.

On the other hand - you may find you are exhausted, have more volatile moods than normal, struggle to concentrate.

My advice would be to engage fully with the return to work process. Once you start having those conversations and building aa plan piece by piece to get back to work, it won’t be so daunting.

Engage with Occupational Health. Having a meeting with them can actually be really beneficial and you can discuss options and explain where you are currently. People are often suprised how much help they can access through Occ Health. I received counselling in a matter of days through my works Occ Health rather than the several months waiting list of the NHS.

These are not specific to traumatic bereavement but may contain useful information.

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/helping-you-cope-with-grief/going-back-to-work/

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/work/employee-resources/return-work-after-a-bereavement

To be honest, most of us get a week or two compassionate leave.

@StormingNorman I am hoping to do a phased return as I’ve had 2 kids almost practically back to back so I feel very out of touch with my job.

I don’t believe you’ve meant this in anyway, but I find this premise crazy. I understand that it’s ’the norm’ but being only 28, losing my dad unexpectedly in horrific circumstances to just presumably carry on as normal is crazy. I am suffering from flashbacks and other ptsd symptoms. I have only taken the last 4 weeks off as sick leave and as I say, I do want to return soon. I am just holding off for counselling to begin so I have a support system in place to talk about things rather than me start work and be off again.

I am hoping for advice on balancing 2 young children (daughter will be less than 11 months old and son is 2&half) whilst grieving and finding myself back at work

There is a bereavement board. You might get more considerate responses if you report your op and ask MN to move your thread there.

I don't know why dickheads feel the need to basically tell bereaved posters to "get over it".

I can only share my family's experience. I stayed off work to support our children through a trauma, but my DH did find being back at work helpful due to the distraction it offered. He did end up changing workplaces after a year though. There were too many painful associations in the workplace he was at.

@GertieN I’m sorry for your loss, that sounds really tricky.

I completely agree with the two points on how work may go; I think that’s what worries me, the unknown.

I am definitely engaging as much as possible with work. I have had mixed messages about how I should approach it but I just want to do it the right way so that I can have the best and smoothest return as possible.

Op, you're very young to lose a parent and you've suffered a trauma. Unfortunately you will learn that many people are simply incapable of comprehending what that's like and will be cruel and inconsiderate. Ignore those people.

It's totally normal to be signed off after the kind of bereavement you've experienced and decent employers understand and support this.

I returned to work after the traumatic and unexpected death of dd1. She was 1 at the time. I took 3 months off work and then did a phased return, working 10-4 every day (this was pre covid so back when people were expected to be in the office).

I found walking into the building on my first day back difficult and a friend met me outside and escorted me to my desk. My manager had also asked how/ what I wanted her to communicate about my situation.

Whilst the juggle is tricky, I found comfort in the stability of work. Good luck and im so sorry for your loss.

Thank you all for your kind messages. So nice to see empathy still exists as it’s crazy how during grief, so many people are so cruel and unsympathetic.

I do plan on engaging with occ health. Anything that can help support me and my mental health and ensuring that I can eventually be at full strength in my role again is a win to me.

We are hoping to move house and areas in the next year so ideally I don’t want to change jobs until that’s all in place as I have considered this but it isn’t really an option right now.

I think the scary part is how the grief and trauma grabs you in strange moments. So if I need a moment, my concern has been that my job isn’t really fitting for that. However, I think maybe I’ve overthought this and made myself more anxious and stressed about being upset and embarrassed at work.

I just want to be a good mum, a good employee and manage the loss of my dad in a healthy way. And in order to do any of that, I know I need to prioritise my mental and physical health. I sometimes just struggle knowing what’s best right now

I agree with the advice to engage with Occupational Health-as @Littletreefrog says, you may be able to access counseling quicker with their help.

Personally, I did find it beneficial to return to work soon after my Mum died, because I found it a good distraction. I was slightly younger than you, but I didn’t have the responsibility of two young children. I think your idea of a phase return might be the best solution, it’ll ease you back into work after your ML and give you some work-life balance at this very difficult time. Don’t push yourself too hard though. 💐

@anicecuppateaa
Thank you for sharing this and your advice. So incredibly sorry for your loss x

Re. Moving house and area. If this has been a longterm plan, fair enough, but don’t push yourselves to make that type of major decision until you’re definitely ready. 💐

@BruFord
thanks for your advice. Definitely going to push for the phased return. I think it will be good in building my confidence back up at work but also knowing that I can be emotionally ok there as well.

re the move. We’ve thought about it before. Definitely not something to rush into as it’s almost like a reaction to his death then and just trying to run away/escape the area.
doesn’t help that I live 5 min away from the hospital he died at or that my MIL lives round the corner from my childhood home and my dads final flat. But no, definitely no brash decisions to be made. We just want a better area, more rural for us and the kids x

The first time going back to anything is the hardest - social groups, work, anything. Once you've jumped that hurdle, it does get easier and easier until it's normal again. <3

I'm sorry for your loss

Definitely get an OH referral and discuss your current health and your needs going forward.
A gradual phased return is a good idea, and remember it's not just the hours. It can be gradually phasing in certain work tasks which may be more demanding over a period so you're not faced with everything at once.

Good idea to get a colleague you're close to to meet you outside and go in with you on first day