What would you do - maternity leave ending

[dorotheasc]

So I still have the rest of the year off on maternity leave however I visited my workplace this week and my boss is keen to know what I want to do and I really should make some decision soon.

DH wants me to be a SAHM. He isn't keen on DC to go into a childcare setting at a year old, I do agree with him to a certain extent but would like them to get the confidence and interaction for at least 1 or 2 days a week. We are very fortunate that we could manage with me not going back.

I think I'd like to go back part time to keep my foot in the door etc and start using my brain again! My boss mentioned working 5 days but shorter hours. I'd like to WFH which could be doable but my boss has mentioned it could not be everyday, but my commute can be anything from 30 minutes to an hour depending on traffic, plus fuel costs wouldn't help. However my boss is desperate for me to go back, so they will be as flexible as possible.

DH thinks if I WFH I could also care for the baby. At this stage probably but when they're crawling/walking and on the move I can't see that being sustainable.

I'm not sure really what I'm asking for, but any advice on what to weigh up or your experiences? Until I know what I'm going to do work wise we can't really decide on what to do for DC.

Lol, clearly your DH hasn't had much experience of solo parenting your baby if he thinks you could do it whilst also working full time! Pretty disrespectful suggestion as well as pretty dangerous for your newly mobile little one!

DH thinks if I WFH I could also care for the baby.

what does your boss think about paying you whilst you’re taking care of your child ?
I think you should do what you feel is best for your family. Not what your husband or employer decides but please don’t work whilst taking care of a 1yo. It’s not fair on them or your peers or your mental health

I went back full time when my son was 7 months as I shared the leave. It was my decision. Same way this should be yours

@EasterIssland @mum2jakie absolutely! I'm not for one minute thinking that's at all a possibility! I couldn't concentrate either way so it's not happening, but this is the input I'm having from him

DH thinks if I WFH I could also care for the baby.

errrr - how about he tries it then? 😂

You can't work with an awake child until they are aged 5 ,or 6 and then only for half a day. Unless you have a good social life you might be bored as sahm with a toddler and housework isn't usually much fun as you would be responsible for all of it. Part time nursery is good for social skills. If you have a second DC you might get another year off fairly soon anyway.

This is a brilliant position to be in. Go back a couple of days a week to keep your career/independence/pension and give your child some socialising. Win win.

Yes, this. If your DH doesn't want your child in childcare, why doesn't he consider dropping down a day or two? Or just work from home full time seeing as looking after a child is apparently such a piece of piss that someone can do their job and look after a small child at the same time.

In your shoes I'd be worried that he apparently has a complete lack of idea of what is actually involved with childcare that yo will be completely taken for granted as a stay at home parent.

From a money perspective if paying for childcare you want to do longer hours and less days. If you do five short days then you will pay full day fees still unless you have an hourly wage arrangement with a childminder but I don't think most do this.

Also if it takes you two hours in commuting time, round trip you don't want to go in for five hours you want to make the journey worth it in terms of cost and time.

So I would go back how many days you are happy with little one being in childcare for.

You’ve had a baby with an idiot.

As others have said don’t even consider working with a baby. It wouldn’t be fair to you or the baby or your employer.

Has your DH actually done much solo childcare?!

You say you want to go back to work, at least part time, so do that. It's good for both you and your relationship and baby's socialisation. Your DH also seems like a bit of an arse, so I'd like to maintain some financial independence in your shoes. I assume you've already become default parent and your DH sees childcare as your problem to solve?

If you do decide you need nursery, start looking now. at least in my area, places are hard to come by. A friend of mine is pregnant with her first and started looking after her 12wk scan for a full time place when her baby would be turning one. Even that early, a number of places couldn't accommodate a full time place 18 months before it was required. The available nursery spaces might dictate your working schedule.

All of your DH input seems to revolve around how you can bend and stretch to accommodate childcare, meanwhile his working schedule presumably remains the same?

You need to nip this in the bud now.

When you say you're off the rest of the year, do you mean come January your maternity leave will be over? If so I highly doubt you'll find a nursery space unless you're in an extremely unusual part of the country. Might be worth calling some and asking to help inform your decision. Also worth knowing that many nurseries don't take children for fewer than 2 days because they say it's harder for them to settle.
I think it sounds like your DH has little idea how much work is involved taking care of a child and is therefore likely to assume you're having it easy as a SAHM. You'll be expected to do all housework and life admin forever more.
I would definitely be going part time in your position, for 2 days depending on childcare availability locally.

Reasons to go back to work:

• your own money
• pension
• mental stimulation
• you have flexibility and an understanding boss which many women would kill for
• dh sounds a bit of a prick so good to keep options open
• free childcare hours
• You'd be amazed how much money you can spend entertaining a toddler so being a SAHM can be expensive unless you want to be home all day
• Your child will be a toddler and you will want a break
• you want to!

You can't wfh with a child. Hugely unfair on you, the child and your colleagues.
LO will be fine in childcare for part of the week and it will be a nice balance.

Absolute no chance
If your husband is that keen on keeping your child out of daycare- HE can jack in his job. You can’t WFH and do childcare, and you need to keep your job, your financial independence, skills, sanity, pension etc.

Personally I wouldn't do five shorter days, I enjoyed having a couple of days off in the week to take the DC swimming or activities.

I would work two or three days max (maybe 2.5). DC can go to nursery those days and you also get quality time with them on the days you are off.

I did this. It took me ten years to get my career back where it needed to be. I lost a lot of money in my pension and felt my self esteem slump. I did. courses for my brain and I did enjoy time with my dd but she was no better off emotionally than my kids who were in full time childcare from very small.
i wouldn’t recommend being dependent on a man ( especially one that daft) to anyone.

Have a think about what sort of balance you think would work best for you. Everyone and every job is different. I work 4 days a week and tbh having one day off with a toddler is enough for me. But I have friends who work 2/3 days who love it.

Sounds like you might have the flexibility to increase/decrease hours in the future if you need to, which is great.

Do not give up you career and financial independence to become a SAHM because that's what your husband would prefer.

Go back part time. I do 4 days, 2 at home and 2 in the office. DD went to nursery 4 days from 13 months. It’s been brilliant.

Your DH could always go part time too and split the week with you so you do fewer nursery days (3 days childcare with a day with each of you).

Don’t give up work, it benefits no-one longer term. And you absolutely can’t work at home with a young child. They need 100% attention.

My kids are 13 and 17 now I hated going back to work 5 days hated being away from.them felt guilty, I went back cause I had to, mortgage etc chikd care was crippling but that doesnt last forever. Now they don't need want me as they are teenagers. It gets easier as they are older I work 4 days, 2 in the office 2 at home looking back I'm delighted I had to go back to work. I like earning my own money for our family pension and social aspect for me I've many really good friends through work, I'd hate to be looking.for a job after being off work for years.

This & the points made by @Allswellthatendswelll pretty much cover it.

Go back 2 - 3 days a week (or 5 days a fortnight) and definitely 'keep your foot in the door'!

This sort of part time will retain your financial and general independence in the longer term.

I'm absolutely not suggesting that your marriage will ever breakdown or have problems in the future. But if life throws a curve ball - DH may lose his job for instance, you will be in a much better situation if you have a job & maintained your career to some level.

Children grow up very quickly and trying to reestablish your career (& independence) after a seven year break can be VERY difficult.

Set the routine for you and DH now with nursery drop-off, pick-ups etc shared a little - also VERY difficult to change if you later go back to work and DH is not accustomed to having to ever consider this...

Hope you find your solution & enjoy your mat leave in the mean time.

Ifyour Dh doesn’t want to use childcare, he should drop his own hours. Definitely go back to work if want to, it had many benefits for you. But could you do a few full days instead? As most nurseries will charge for a full day so you may as well use that. And then you get 2/3 full days off with your child. Don’t let you DH dictate things. It’s so important you protect yourself financially, anything can happen:

Oh and you definitely cannot WFH with a child there. Occasionally yes; but not regularly. It’s not fair on the child or your employer. Not until they’re much older. I bet your DH wouldn’t think of himself WFH with the child there. It sounds like he has a very low opinion of your career, which I’d seriously be challenging him on.

Why not both go down to 4 days a week and then LO is at nursery for 3 days?

Why do I have a feeling though that you DH has opinion about the baby's care and your work, but won't contemplate anything which requires him doing more.

I would ask boss to do 0.5 so half a working week and half a salary compressed into two long days in the middle of the week. Or perhaps a Tuesday and Thursday so your baby has you at home on the day between.

You could also ask your husband to compress his five day week into 4.5 or 4 days so that he can do some childcare too. Most big companies would consider that. Then baby only needs to be in nursery for 1.5 or 2 days.

If you're giving up work ensure that your husband is paying into a pension for you and a savings account in your name and that you have access to family money in a joint account, otherwise you're in an extremely vulnerable position.

In most cases financially it is best if both parents work 4 days. The element of pay you lose is the element that is most highly taxed, NI’d, pensioned etc. It also means you only need 3 days nursery and on the other parents NWD you can do a long day and vice versa.

4 days can be short days as well. You could offer 2 days in the office - make one a Friday because most people don’t go in on a Friday and roads can be quieter. Try to have Monday as a NWD so you get more flexibility when to take leave for BH.