Baby is 13 months. Went back to work at 3 months. It’s been so incredibly intense, company restructured and I’m managing a film project that is legally hugely, hugely complex. Learning on my feet. But it’s the project keeping me at the company.
Have struggled since the start of going back, worked as hard as I can but don’t feel I’m as creative or organised as before. Almost every day am deeply anxious I’ll be fired. Colleagues racing ahead (none have children) and I can feel I’m being given less and less responsibility. Was sort of a star year one (lol, embarrassing but kind of true) and now it’s all going wrong.
This weekend, out of town and living in country where internet is scarce and the biggest bank holiday weekend took place, with partner immobile with knee issue and me chasing baby round big empty baby-unfriendly hotel thing we stupidly stayed in, I get told need to organise a film shoot in under 12 hours. It’s insane. My head explodes. Within it all I send critical email about delicate legal stuff to exactly the wrong person, I.e the company we are battling with. They were in CC. It’s horrific.
Only one baby and my sisters have loads each and coped. But I feel out of control and am making big mistakes and want some sort of reassurance that there is something true in baby brain. I am panicking and don’t feel myself.