Horrible work situation

[valleymana]

So I have a friend who works for the same company as me. We were friends before we worked together. I am much more senior than him, and he isn’t one of my direct reports or anything, as he is in a different team. Anyway, he is now facing disciplinary action. It is a fairly big company and i do not know any details of what he is accused of but I have been told by someone very senior who knows we are mates, not to speak to him about it and if he tries to speak to me about it, even as a friend, I must say we can’t discuss it, as there is an investigation ongoing. Neither of us have spoken to each other about it, in fact we haven’t spoken at all, which is strange as we are pretty close, but I would feel weird to talk about something unrelated knowing that this is happening so I haven’t said any at all to him and neither has he.

However, I am getting increasingly worried about him. He looked dreadful when last saw him and now he is off work sick. I am actually worried about his mental state. I am assuming that work is checking in on him from a wellbeing point of view but I am not certain of this.

What would you do in this situation? Contact him myself when I have been expressly told not to? Share with work that I am concerned about his welfare? Ask a mutual friend to check in?

I have NC for this.

He must have other people around him who are looking out for him?

I think this is one of those situations where it's best to keep away.

Perhaps you could mention to a mutual friend that you're worried you haven't seen him at work recently after having noticed he looked unwell, and that you're wishing him all the best.

Sadly, he might be feeling abandoned by you. But hopefully he'll understand you're in a difficult position.

I'm assuming you're not his only friend, or the only person he has in his life who he can talk to?

Neither of us have spoken to each other about it, in fact we haven’t spoken at all

That indicates to me that he's aware that he shouldn't talk to you about what is going on and knowing how this may come up in conversation even in a round about way, he is being pretty respectful towards you and the position this puts you in at work.

Couls you juat message say hey I'm sure you know we can't discuss work but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.

Yes I have this feeling too so I'm pleased you think the same.

He does have other family and friends around him, thankfully.

Which came first, the job or the friendship?

I had a similar situation, I was taking someone through a disciplinary which a pre-work mate was involved as a witness.

We never spoke about it outside of work.

The mate made an excuse to see me on evening (just to witness some papers). He could have asked loads of people but it was an unspoken thing that we wanted so see each other while this horrid time happened.

So, can you see them and not mention it? A cinema trip? Minimal conversation??

There's no way you could tell me not to ask my friend what's going on with them if they look sick and are stressed. How are work going to know you had the conversation? Bizarre

Investigations at work are stressful and it’s not uncommon for people to go off sick with stress. Sometimes it’s genuine and sometimes it’s tactical.

Either way, it is best to keep your distance until this situation is resolved. Even if you chatted about other things it would still be the elephant in the room and make things awkward/tricky.

If you know his family or have any mutual friends you could casually ask how he’s doing. Just be careful what you say as he you don’t know who he’s told about the work situation.

You say you are his 'friend' and that he looks unwell. But nevertheless you aren't talking to your 'friend'.

Are you his friend? Do you care about him at all?

The OP doesn't know what's going on. I have a great job actually, i work at a place where disciplinary action is so rare as they treat their people really well. But if my close friend worked at my company and started looking unwell and was going through disciplinary action, no job could stop me being a friend to them. What kind of friends do you have? Most workplaces don't like people talking about this stuff to protect them and them only.

This

Would this work? This is the ABSOLUTE most you can do. This is one for other people to support him through

Thanks everyone. The majority of responses have confirmed what my gut feel is on this which is that I should stay out of it. I feel it would compromise my professional integrity to do otherwise.

I care deeply about this friend and I have supported him through a number of crises but I feel on this occasion, because of the circumstances, I can't, Although I would consider the text suggestion.

@Superfoodie123 it's interesting that you think an organisation which treats people well would rarely have disciplinaries. I don't think the two things are mutually exclusive.

I’ve been in this situation and i asked a mutual friend to get in contact.

It's much more complicated than that.

Talking to him could make his position worse and that wouldn't be being a good friend.

@Perplexed20 yes this has crossed my mind too, that I could make things worse for him.

'@Superfoodie123

The OP doesn't know what's going on. I have a great job actually, i work at a place where disciplinary action is so rare as they treat their people really well. But if my close friend worked at my company and started looking unwell and was going through disciplinary action, no job could stop me being a friend to them. What kind of friends do you have? Most workplaces don't like people talking about this stuff to protect them and them only.'

This.

You are obviously not a close friend of that person, OP, as the only thing you really care about it seems is cover your back.

You made your choice and I hope you realise that no matter what happens to that person they will never want to have any kind of friendship with you from now on.

@valleymana you could ask HR to make sure he has support. Some employers have Employee Assistance Programmes which can include counselling.

If it was my friend, I would know how he was, and what was going on.

I wouldn’t be talking to colleagues about him, and I wouldn’t be asking strangers on an anonymous forum what to do.

I agree you can't talk to him about the investigation or circumstances around it. But if you are close and you are concerned then I would be messaging to let him know you're thinking of him.

And if there was any way you can still do some of the things you used to do without broaching the subject of work/the disciplinary then would consider that. Cinema is a good one or music concert, something where you are together, can talk about the film/band but not much else.
Work haven't said "you can't talk to him", just "don't talk to him about xy".

If you have mutual friends then definitely asking one to check up on him.

If the person was my friend I would be talking to them about it. Work can’t stop you. You won’t take any action but you need to be there for him.

I've been the friend in this situation. And I think many PPs are being very hard on you Op.

Mine was slightly different, as they were told explicitly they couldnt talk to me.

They were also the only.two people in the world that were supporting me through some other horrendous stuff.

But I understood. This isn't school. They can't risk their professional reputation, their own jobs and even jeopardise the chance of me having a fair disciplinary (ha fucking ha) by speaking to me.

They both went a message in our group chat. Just two words "love you" and that was it. For 10 days. It was torture. But, I understood and it hasn't damaged our relationship at all.

I’m not sure if you’ve been told not to contact him at all, ior just not about the work issue. If the latter, I’d drop him a message at least