Burnout, what next?

[Peasoupfrenchbread]

Hi All,
Throwaway account as I didn't want to give myself away as I'm a long term contributor.

I've been iny current role for about 6 years and have progressed through the business to a senior manage position, I look after a small team for a FTSE100 organization.

During my time their I have always been a relatively high performer and reviews have consistently been on the positive end. I worked in some large projects which have had positive outcomes for the business. During that time I have regularly worked long hours, way way over my 35, emails at all times in the evening, night, early morning which I'm replying to. Team and I are constantly stretched and no latitude to increase numbers. Stakeholders are very blame led and finger pointy. Nothing is ever good enough, always my depts fault etc.

This culminated in lots of stress and anxiety and I was off work for about 6 weeks. I thought I was ready to go back after that period and felt I needed to as I didn't want to let anyone down, felt guilty for the team who had to pick up my work, and work were understanding and i didn't want to ask for more.

I went back to work full time, I haven't had any additional support, or consideration for looking at the root causes of the burnout. Actually I have now been tasked with even more on top of an already demanding workload which has resulted in me feeling like I returned too soon and I'm worse off than before. One step forward two back. I feel guilty about going off again so soon after being back in for 4 months but I'm not sure I can continue health wise at present.

I'm back to not sleeping very well, maybe 3 hours a night, barely eating, seem to be in a panic attack whenever I'm awake, can't think clearly and a constant fog, feel dizzy, working all hours, not having breaks, dread going to work in the morning, almost hyperventilating and feeling sick beforehand and during. When I am at work I feel paralyzed land that I'm not capable of doing anything, or not doing it well, or don't know what to do. I'm even on the way in and having ideation about not turning my car at a bend and driving straight in to a river and ending it all.

I feel lower than I did before, perhaps this is rock bottom, but don't know what to do

You need to go to your GP and get signed off again. This is too much. You probably went back too early. You should have been referred to occupational health before returning.
I've been through the same as you and it's not worth it.
There are others ways to live.

Also it's worth reading the Harvard Business Reviews series on Burnout.

https://hbr.org/2016/11/beating-burnout

Also the book called Wintering by Katherine May.

When you're rested and feeling better of course!

Agree with going back to GP, but you also need a proper back to work meeting next time, go via occupational health, and a full discussion with management on what the issues are and how they could be solved.

Sometimes a workplace just is what it is and it’s not the right environment for someone, intense, fast paced, high pressure, isn’t for everyone and in some instances can’t be helped. But actually in lots of cases management simply can’t see or appreciate the pressure that a team or person is under and once the problems are outlined there can be solutions put in place to resolve.

@FancyRedRobin thank you for your advice, I probably did go back too soon, but felt I kind of had to like I said. I also feel guilty about going back to the GP again and being off for a period but feel like it's actually got worse while I was off rather than improved and no occ health or any adjustments.

@Mrsttcno1 will insist on the back to work meeting and discussing how it can be better. I'm wiser now as I didn't realise about any support etc, but fear i may need longer off than before as I'm one step forwards and 2 back. I've worked in fast paced corporate roles for about 20 years, and its been manageable but it's recently not sustainable partly due I think to the environment recently.

Call in sick first thing. Get signed off. After a few weeks start to figure out exactly what you need from a job, wether it be a clear separation between home and work life, part time hours, a slow incremental return to your present job with close HR support. Is it worth looking at jobs with more ethical family orientated companies?

When ready make two lists, one with things you desire in a job, another with undesirable job related things.

When I went back to work after a serious illness my occupational health doctor said that she insisted on a person being 95% well if you back to a stressful job. She also said that going back early can set you back disproportionately i.e. going back a week too early could cause you to relapse to how you were a month ago.
Feeling guilty is a useless emotion. You need to rebuild your health and recover and that will take the time that it takes and you can't rush it.

Thanks all for your advice on which I took on board. Contacted the doctors and I have an appointment in about 2 weeks and they have agreed to provide a sick note up until that appointment, so waiting for that to come through, which they'll hopefully be able to extend at my appointment.

Thanks also @PoshTosh I'll do just that but feel like I need some time to breathe out before tackling that task when I have more clarity rather than constant braig fog.

You're going to get better and feel better. So don't worry about that. It'll take whatever time you need.
Also I hope you don't mind me asking but could you be in perimenopause/menopause? This was a big factor for me and HRT is bringing me back to life. I would say that a general checkup/blood tests(iron/thyroid etc) would be a good idea too just to outrule a physical cause.