returning to work after maternity leave

[Lilyastar]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for with this post but maybe some advice / reassurance

I have a 12 month old daughter and I am returning to work in 3 weeks. I have no childcare and therefore my daughter needs to attend nursery 3 full days 7.30am-5.30pm.

In her whole 12 months of life she has never spent a day or night without me. Not one family member has offered to take her out even a walk and therefore she doesn’t really know any of them including her grandmothers and aunts. She is very attached to me as I am basically all she has and we spend 24/7 together. (She does see her dad but I am always there and he doesn’t take her on his own)

We have been doing some settling in days at nursery since mid august and it has not been going well at all and I dread every time we need to go as it is just awful. She is terrified getting dropped off into a room full of strangers and she cries the majority of the time she is there. The last session was 4 hours long and they told me she cried a lot and would not eat or drink. I feel like I am traumatising her every time I leave her there.

It is so emotionally draining for me and I really don’t know what to do. My return to work date is getting closer and it really stressing me that she is no where near ready to be left at nursery for so long. The thought of her being there for 10 hours a day makes me feel so upset and actually physically sick.

I feel we both have separation anxiety when separated from each other. I don’t know how to overcome it myself when I have no one to take her for me to get used to her being away . Even when she has been in for her settling in sessions at nursery I have sat outside in the car each time for hours as I just can’t bear to go far incase she needs me. I am really struggling with this so much but anyone I have spoken to about it including her dad doesn’t really get it and isn’t really interested and just say it will be fine she will get used to it eventually. I even said to him to take some time off work to do the nursery drop off to see and feel how bad it is for her. But he just laughed like I was mad. I hate that it’s only me having to deal with this stress and putting her through this like it’s only my problem and not his. I am also beginning to wonder if I am mentally unwell and it’s not normal to feel like this.
If it isn’t normal what do I do? How do I stop being like this?

Is there anyone who has been through this or similar and can offer any advice or tell me it will get better and easier?

ps I have an older daughter who is 14 but I can honestly say I never felt like this with her at all and she was in nursery from 9 months old.

Why is it just you dealing with this and not your DH? Why hasn’t your DD spent any time alone with him? Are you and he together? If so, this is something you should be tacking together. It’s not your sole responsibility.

This transition (to being in child care) is tough though. She will get used to it, as will you, but it will just take a while. Hang in there. Keep doing what you’re doing. Be strong. You can (both) do this. Hopefully your DH can step up a bit too.

My son was the same when he was younger. We'd been locked up during lockdown and he'd had no opportunity to be away from me, so when the time came, he was really attached. It was around 4-6 weeks of crying. It was awful. I thought it was never going to get better. I'd call up some days to check on him and he was still crying. I thought I'd have to give up work. Then one day, it just stopped. I think he came to realise that he got to spend the entire day having fun with friends and that mummy or daddy turned up to pick him up after. After that, nursery was the best thing for him. He absolutely loved it.

My daughter and I were similar. I had never left her with anyone (my husband or my own mother even) before I had to return to work. Leaving her at nursery was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was really tough going back to work but I didn't have a choice. Settling in sessions are good. Does your daughter have a key worker who will be her primary carer at nursery? I found that helped my daughter. In the end my daughter adapted quickly and loved nursery and I think I had a harder time than she did. It does get easier though.