Returning to work imminently but 1 year old not settling at all during ‘settling in’

[Pearlinda]

My little girl has just turned 1 and I’m returning to work in 1.5 weeks time. She’s only just beginning her nursery transition sessions now as she was ill so couldn’t start sooner and before that we were away for a fortnight.

She’s done two sessions and has screamed hysterically for pretty much the entirety of both sessions. I’m taking her again tomorrow but I’m pretty sure it will be much the same again.

I really like the nursery and feel completely confident it’s a safe and nurturing environment. Im getting worried though that the deadline is getting closer and she’s not showing any signs of ‘settling in’. Both days she’s been 1:1 away from the other kids due to the absolute racket she made.

I’m ideally looking for some hope through people’s stories that their children were similar and then they settled in and started to enjoy it. I’m a first time mum and v worried about both her and maintaining my career!

Do they all eventually settle in? I’m picking up from the nursery that she’s pretty extreme.

Please can anyone offer their experience and perspective.

Some do eventually settle in, some just can’t cope in that specific environment and need a different one that is better suited to them x

Two brief sessions isn't much if this is all new to her. When does she start her "ordinary" pattern and what will it be?

I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry/panic about it yet - if you're tense and apprehensive as you get her ready and drop her off then she'll pick up on it and feel like something bad is happening.

Just because they're called settling in sessions doesn't mean she'll be perfectly settled by the end of them.

My toddler didn't settle at all so eventually I switched to a nanny from an agency because he really needed a calmer environment where it was all focused on his needs, not trying to suit the majority.

I am aware my friend's baby took six months before she stopped crying and started eating and napping at nursery.

It just isn't the right setting for all children and why nanny's and childminders are in business.

Do they all eventually settle in?

No some children need to go to another nursery or a childminder as they just don't like that particular environment. Remember all children are individual.

I’m picking up from the nursery that she’s pretty extreme.

She is not extreme. She is normal.

BTW have you left her with other people while you have gone out without her for a half a day or a day?

How long are the sessions?
we did 1 hour together
the. 1 hour alone
half day
half day with lunch then a full day.

do you act positive when it’s nursery time or are you worried too? Little ones can pick up on that.

Thanks @owladventure . She was due to start her normal pattern of M,W,F full days from 2nd sept but think I’m going to have to extend the transition and use MIL to support with this as I have to start back work on that date. I feel like I’m being positive and bright and breezy but will make a special effort at this tomorrow x

@Danikm151 , yeah we did 1 hour with me and now she’s done 2 hours alone and they’ve said we should do every day until she starts. Worried this bank hol weekend is going to work against us and any progress (hopefully) made by Friday will be lost.

I’m terrible for catastrophising!

I’d like to think I’d been breezy and positive but will be alert to this tomorrow. They just whip her off me though which I think she struggles with. I know they are experienced and will know best but just feels a bit speedy and stressy for her.

@Reugny thanks for replying.

barely left her with anyone else and she’s just recently recovered from a nasty virus where is let her sleep in our bed so hardly the ideal climate for her suddenly being without me :(

Oh dear!

I would have thought she was normal but I just get a little sense from the nursery that she is on the tougher end of the scale. She is quite feisty.

Thanks for this @5475878237NC . Appreciate the perspective.

I did start to wonder about a nanny as an alternative. I could probably stretch to it financially but then started to worry about one person being unsupervised with her all day and what if they mistreated her. I’m dreadful for always jumping to the worst possible scenario!

I think I would delay transition as you said you went on holiday for a fortnight and then straight into her going to nursery. The poor child hasn’t had any routine for weeks now and that is probably freaking her out.

Have a few weeks at home, old routine, and then start the transition.

Can work support you starting a few weeks later ?

They just whip her off me though which I think she struggles with.

This is for the best. Prolonging it just causes more upset because then it becomes a drawn out ordeal and negotiation.

If you've almost never left her before then it was always going to take longer for her to get used to this.

Sadly can’t delay return date. I’ve had a year off and extended my maternity which didn’t land very well! I really need to return to work 2nd sept as I’m a senior leader in a secondary school and that’s the start of the new term xx

I had this OP with leaving my LO with a childminder. Didn’t settle at all for a few weeks. I was panicking about never being able to go back to work (and needed to). Just kept going and something clicked eventually. She will absolutely settle when she’s ready in the right place. Be kind to yourself it’s very stressful xx

To be fair, you've rarely left her and now you're expecting her to react like it's normal.

You can't turn back time. However you can get her there every day until you need her to stay longer. That's one way to get her used to it and fast. Get her used to being with others too if you can, over time. Eg normalise other people picking her up, in case one day you need them to.

Them whipping her off you is for the best too. Prolonged goodbyes don't help.

Thanks so much @alladvicegratefullyappreciated. It’s appreciated and good to know things clicked with yours. It’s a lovely nursery and friends children have loved it there so I’m hoping she’ll grow to love it when she’s used to it.

Have they not let you stay for a bit with her? I'd ask to do an hour in the room with her if not - she may be more willing to play and explore with you there and then be more willing for you to leave the next time.

OP has done this and with most nurseries, you then progress to leaving for an increased amount of time.

It is a worry OP, as a nursery worker and nanny I’ve seen it all and some babies are just like this. Most do get used to it, some don’t.

Nannies are trained professionals, they aren’t going to mistreat her! They do however like and need to be trusted to get on with the job though, if you think you’d micromanage a nanny then it may not be the right fit.

If you have family help in place to have a longer transition period to full days for her then I would absolutely utilise that.

@FanofLeaves thanks for your reply, I really value your input as nanny and nursery practitioner. I’d definitely like to think I’d not micromanage a nanny, think I’m just having a neurotic moment. I think I got concerned as I signed up to care.co.uk and had a look and a lot were 19 and had profile pictures Snapchat filters on!! Where would you recommend I look for a Nanny?

Do you think we’d be a desirable role as it would be term time only (although willing to do hols too if they wanted) and wouldn’t need any cleaning etc doing (seen some willing to do that) as we have a cleaner who comes twice a week.

Well, for me you’d be super desirable as I’d be looking to potentially fit around my son’s preschool hours when he goes and be off with him in the holidays, but for most nannies they would be looking at full time 35-50 hours a week. Unfortunately care.cot and Bubble apps have really given way to a flood in the market for younger and inexperienced nannies to pick up extra work and those looking to get better pay than nursery work so it can be tricky to find the good ones now. For the first time in my 15 year nanny career I went through an agency to get my current job so I’d suggest using an agency but there are HUGE differences in the services they offer and the fees they charge so shop around. In the meantime, don’t write off the nursery, even if your toddler just strikes up a strong bond and rapport with one nursery worker that really can make such a massive difference to the settling process. This is all the more likely to happen once they get into the routine of it and get used to the surroundings and new faces, so don’t lose faith!

Really helpful @FanofLeaves , really appreciate it xx

Or maybe dad could step in and support this transition.

I think it depends on the child.

DS was fine from day 1; DD never settled. Even after 6 months she sobbed for ages at drop off and couldn't get out of there fast enough. It was so awful that I became a SAHM for a couple of years.

Hi

just wondering how things ended up with your little one? Did she finally settle into nursery? My girl started this week and she is crying for the whole settling session it is so upsetting

@Ktd123 so sorry I missed this. She absolutely loves it now. Probably took about 9 weeks for her to get to the point of loving it. I hope it all worked out for your little girl❤️