To dread work because of colleagues

[ThatTwinklyPearlSloth]

I’m a teacher and so many aspects of my life are going really well. I’ve bought a house with my boyfriend, have a small but great circle of friends and a supportive family. I think(!) I’m pretty good at my job and have been successful in my career so far.
However, I’m absolutely dreading going back to work after the summer. Not because of the work itself, generally I really enjoy my job and get a lot from it. I’m anxious about my colleagues. I very much feel like an “outsider” as there are a group of them who frequently go out together outside work and spend pretty much all of their free time in work together. It still feels quite like a high school mentality and involves lots of whispering in corridors and going quiet when others walk in the room. I’m acutely aware that I’ve put myself on the “outside” because I don’t think we have much in common. We’re on good enough terms to say hello and enquire about each others weekends but nothing more than that. Sometimes I feel like it’s pretty obvious they hate children given the way they talk about children in their classes. I’ve heard them call other members of staff “fat” and they’re generally pretty unpleasant. All round it’s a pretty toxic environment to work in. I’ve tried my best to just have the attitude of going in, doing my job and going home which I’m happy to do as my life is fulfilling in other areas.
It’s just getting me down. I have good opportunities at my current school career wise and I’ve progressed well so far. Would you continue to rise above it or explore the possibility of moving school? Is this normal in a mostly female environment?

Unfortunately, from my own personal experience, it seems very common in a mostly female environment, thank your lucky starts that it isn’t all female! Especially English women (I’m north European, in my 50’s, and have lived in the UK most of my adult life). I’ve observed that a lot of women can be very different in a group setting to one to one. Often there is a ‘queen bee’ who rules the roost and the others follow blindly, even though it’s often a very toxic dynamic. Grown women!!! It is bizarre, but I see it again and again. But please don’t despair, there are decent ones out there too, and you will find them! Sending big hugs.

I haven't worked in a school but have worked in lots of mainly female environments. I wouldn't say this is normal but I have seen it happen and have also been on the outside of it.

I think you need to decide if you can continue in this school as things are. They are things you can do to help yourself such as focusing more on things outside work etc but ultimately that won't change a toxic culture.

My school was exactly like this and was one of the reasons I left to do supply. It really does drag you down. Sending hugs.

I could have written this. There is a “queen bee” and I just can’t work out why the others choose to be around her. The way she speaks to them/about others is awful.

I would rise above it. Pretend you haven't heard the whispering and are deep in your own thoughts so they would need to repeat a question.

I would be professional but distant. Who wants to associate with colleagues like that? They sound toxic.

I’ve been in environments like that. If the job is otherwise great I would try hard to ignore it. Changing jobs is a risk - you could move schools and dislike the new one for another reason or the same reason.

Build relationships with the other staff around you. People you do have something in common with and have respect for. Cliques are so tiresome, continue to rise above and just know that others will be thinking the same as you.

No advice really but following with interest as I am dreading returning to work on Wednesday for the exact same reasons. I am in my 50’s and have never worked anywhere so cliquey. All female environment (all late 20’s/early 30’s). I work closely with the Queen Bee whose constant mission is to be Miss Perfect and Popular. Have had the same approach as you so far, do my job well and don't take it home with me but it’s isolating to feel so outside and of things. It really makes me long for previous jobs and colleagues.

I think if you enjoy the job otherwise it is worth persevering. People move on eventually. That’s what I intend to do, I think.

I wouldn’t worry about it. I worked in a secondary school that was so toxic I really didn’t know how I was going to carry on but staff leave (especially in education and especially at the moment) so if you you really love it there I wouldn’t worry. The clique won’t be that way forever.

Thanks! This is very true. Although it seems to be people I actually like who are choosing to leave at the moment. Queen Bee declared in the staff room not so long ago that “I’ll be here forever” which didn’t make me feel too optimistic🤣
But you’re right! Things change quickly in education so here’s hoping!

… because they don’t want her to talk about them that way. These are ‘frenemy’ relationships - keeping the enemy (or toxic person) close so that you know that you are safe.

Rather sad, in all honesty, but until Queen Bee leaves/retires it won’t change. I’d keep my head down, but keep an eye on local job openings offering promotion or more prospects.

I’d just keep a low profile (I tend to eat in my car or classroom if it’s free)

Perhaps the very fact that people you like are leaving proves a point that 'it's not you, it's them' (ie the toxic ones are the ones causing the problems here, not you). This Queen Bee sounds like she's well in her comfort zone and enjoys building her cliquey clique around herself. As PPs have said, try and rise above it and hope the dynamic changes over time. Good luck.

Just be proud of yourself you are on the outside and not going along with a feckless bunch.

I a similar problem, workplace is becoming a bit toxic, a divide is emerging and I am friends with everyone. Determined not to get sucked in to clique like behaviour but that causes tension in itself. Lucky I don’t give a fuck 😅

That really is the only answer though, being stoic and above the bullshit. You have a good life and a good career, don’t let the dynamic, which you absolutely cannot change, hinder that.

What’s the worst that can happen, they whisper about you when you’re not around but smile to your face? Really not the end of the word, and perspective helps. Not that I am dismissive, I have had to process this situation myself, so I am just reassuring you that their insecure dickishness is about them and not you, so bear that in mind always.

The thing about school departments is, they can change dynamic fairly quickly. If you like some of the staff, the children and the management team, then rise above it. When I started teaching, we had an awful Hod who made our lives a misery. A small group of us formed a clique to support each other. The others didn't want to know. We liked each other, were about the same age and it helped. Eventually the horrible teachers left/retired, new people came in, a new Hod arrived and things changed. We also had developed friendships with other colleagues out with the department and that helped too. The queen bee won't be queen bee forever. Limit your interactions with her and form relationships with others.