Old, redundant and panicking/depressed

[PaperRhino]

I was made redundant in April from a fairly senior level job as the business was not doing well.

This came in the heels of a really difficult couple of years which involved a hostile divorce, resulting in me having to sell my home, plus losing over half of my pension and spending most of my savings defending myself against my ex’s ridiculous demands.

i got a bit of redundancy and didn’t job hunt for the first few weeks as I was so burned out and also busy looking for a flat and clearing out my house. Also the CEO and clients at my last job ruined my self confidence- I’d always been a high performer in supportive environments and was unable to cope with the constant micro management and put downs which made me question myself and feel incompetent..

Money is getting tight now though and I have just heard that I was unsuccessful in an interview for a job I’ve literally done before and could do standing on my head. This is the third time this has happened and I’m becoming increasingly panicky. (For this one a friend was on the interview panel and I still didn’t get it and I thought I’d done really well. It went to an internet candidate apparently but still feel utterly demoralised and hopeless).

I am 58 and think my age is against me as I work in comms which is quite a young profession. I’d happily do something else with a similar skill set but I don’t even get interviews for things that don’t match my CV

I am on JSA but they don’t offer any help apart from a tiny bit of money- I naively thought they would send you for interviews but that seems to be a thing of the past.

Last night I was seriously thinking of ending it all - all that stops me is I don’t want my 2 adult kids to feel abandoned, but I have an absolute terror of being old and poor, especially as I’ve worked all my life since being 22 and had everything I worked for taken off me by my horrible ex.

These last few years have been so hard and I feel like I’ve lost my future. Does anyone have any words of support or encouragement, or even advice? (Please don’t suggest freelancing though as I’m no good at hustling for work, doing accounts or discussing money!)

I feel really like I am on the scrap heap of life right now 😞

As words of encouragements, I want to echoe your own. You have made it through an encredible tough couple of years. That alone shows a lot of strength.

As for your prospects, I don't think your age is the problem. I think your aim is. You go for jobs you are over qualified for and most employers don't want that. They think you are looking to coast while demanding a top salary because you tick all the boxes. It's probably not a fair assesment, but that is the situation with a lot of employers. Better aim for higher and a roughly 60% qualification.

Please, do not blame your friend. Just because they were on the other side of the table does not mean they had the sole vote in the decision on whether or not to hire you. There would also have been a conflict of interest if they had pushed in favor of you, even if the other interviewers had disagreed, which is what I suspect has happened.

Check out this guy's YouTube channel. I found his advice very useful in terms of confidence during interviews, as well as tips for finding the right jobs and building a resume. He does also have a paid service, but I have never used it.
https://www.youtube.com/@andylacivita/videos

Also, get yourself some therapy to deal with the smacks you took to your confidence. If will really help you in both the short and long term

Have you looked at the charity sector at all ?

Granted the pay isn't as good, but perhaps because of that I feel they are more welcoming to older applicants, and - I hope as starting on Monday - will be more supportive and less pressurised than the private sector.
I managed to get a mat leave cover senior role that way when I was getting rejection after rejection from LinkedIn applications for roles I was more than qualified for.

I also got rejected after interview for a job that was literally a carbon copy of what I was doing, but to me that was the wake up call that actually I didn't want to do exactly that anymore.

I’ve never thought of temping - I assumed it was for secretarial sort of roles. How do you even go about looking? Are there specific agencies for that sort of thing?

Sorry to hear you have had such a difficult time.

April is no time. Give it few more months? If nothing materialises by then can you look at accessing your pension? You need to look after yourself and definitely don't want your mental health to spiral.

I got made redundant at the start of COVID AR age 52 and went temping. I contacted half a dozen agencies, went through an interview process with them and they then put me forward for jobs I was interested in. They cover all sorts of industries, I was offered a job through one of my temp roles. I didn't take it as I knew it wasn't for me long term, but once people get to know you, you are very likely to get a job offer. It's not a bad way to try out different sectors!

Thanks for all the advice, it’s really kind of you all to respond. I am on holiday at the moment (I know that makes me sound spoilt but my partner paid for my birthday, a cheap and cheerful all inclusive - I have not spent anything on myself since redundancy but the everyday bills - car and house insurance, plus the expenses to do with moving house- are piling up.).

I feel guilty being here though. We go back to the UK tonight and I feel sick at the thought of it. My adult kids are wandering in and out of my house between staying with friends / in university accommodation and it will be the last time we can all be there together and I love them both to bits, yet I feel horrible because all I can think about is how much they are costing me in food/lifts and I feel guilty that I couldn’t afford a party for daughter’s 21st 😢. It’s so stressful trying to keep a brave face and also not shout when yet again we run out of everything and I have to go shopping and it’s not their fault - I’ve not been in this position before and I still think they don’t realise how much the divorce ruined me.

All your advice is thoughtful and helpful but I still feel terrified and also ashamed - none of my friends are unemployed (apart from the ones with rich benevolent husbands 🙄) and the divorced ones all managed civil divorces whereas my ex made it so stressful I’ve been on anti anxiety meds for 4 years now. I was having counselling and career coaching but can’t afford either any more. I just feel like my life is collapsing bit by bit and I’m too embarrassed to even meet friends for coffee because a) I can do without the expense b) I can’t join in any conversations about “have you seen this film/been to this restaurant?” because I don’t have the money and c) I don’t know how to respond when they ask me how things are. Nobody wants a litany of misery and I’ve had such bad luck over the last 4 years it’s almost farcical.

Back to sign on for JSA on Tuesday so back to reality. Even that will run out soon. I literally feel scared to death. @sparklingnorthernlights I can’t access my pension as there’s hardly anything left of it because my idle ex didn’t work and didn’t have one so took most of mine as he’s older, and argued he was unemployable - then 8 months after the divorce I lost my job and now seem unemployable too (yes, I kept him for 20 odd years while he was “a writer” who earned nothing and he left us when he inherited a flat).

Honestly it is truly frightening how a life you built up over almost 4 decades of work and education and savings can all just be taken away by a brutal marital legal system and a capricious job market. Not getting that most recent job feels like the last straw. I am not sure how long I want to keep getting up in the morning and trying again because it’s just one blow after another. And this latest rejection has really terrified me. I think, if I can’t get that then I have no chance with anything else… I am dreading going home tomorrow

There are agencies that specifically get Comms people into roles on a temporary basis. Depends on your level of experience and where you are based.

I really feel for you, you’ve been through so much. I think facing a wave of adversity like that puts a filter on things. It can make you lose faith and see every unknown as a threat. Basically it’s your stressed out, fried nervous system talking - and not a true picture.

I hope you’re able to find temp work, it sounds like earning something and taking small steps would help. Time in nature is great and also free. Exercise is your friend. It won’t always be this way. You’ll find something soon. Maybe something amazingly new and different. Good luck and do sort out your LinkedIn. In my field it’s the new Twitter!

Just saying hello because I'm 55 and life is not straightforward at this age to say the least.

I'm really worried that you are feeling like this and feel unable to talk to anyone. Could you make an appointment with your GP?

Your most recent job alongside everything else you've experienced has battered your confidence so much that you can't even talk to your children. I do hope that you can use how awful it feels to be back to sit down with them and just say 'I need your help' - tell them that things are financially extremely tough and you need to brainstorm with them. I remember my mum being made redundant at 60 and her despair so well, she was both terrified and determined. I doubt I was much help but at least I was outraged on her behalf. She got a job that worked brilliantly for her and really enjoyed that for.5 years.

I'm worried that every time you think of someone to talk to, or a job search route, you rule it out based on quite rational fears of others in your network bullying you again. So tell them up front that you need them not to gossip. Tell your children you need to know that they won't chatter about you to your ex.

I do think you should brush up your Linked In and talk to head hunters. But most of all, please talk to your GP. You are at risk of suicide and that would be terrible. My dh took his own life six years ago and he is missed so much. 💐

I do feel every unknown is a threat, yes. I can’t answer phone calls from unknown numbers (I stare until they go away then tap the number into “Who Called Me?” and I don’t open letters (last one was a bus lane fine, of course it was - lived here for years and never even noticed that lane) yet I have to paste on a smile and go for jobs with companies that will never employ me time and again. I’ve actually been fantasising about a non fatal accident that will just hospitalise me and keep me on morphine for a few weeks to escape my life - that’s really abnormal isn’t it? 😂

Manchester, and I have a ton of experience but the industry is different now and my last company was mean as hell with training and would get in freelancers rather than upskill us on SEO and CRM systems so feel a bit of a tech dinosaur

Thanks @PermanentTemporary - I see my GP regularly but they don’t do much apart from up the antidepressants. If they could stop me sliding into poverty it would be more helpful as I’m terrified. Tbh the bullying at work only really ramped up after I took 3 weeks out with panic attacks on doctors orders before my 2nd divorce hearing last October, when I was literally so scared day and night that i couldn’t sleep, although I never once cried at work or missed meetings or was unprofessional. I got back and all my accounts had been taken off me and given to someone younger, and from then on it was easier to edge me towards the door. So really the spiral started with the divorce (my estate agent told me my ex’s solicitor was the most rude, aggressive and least compassionate person he’d ever spoken to in his professional life dealing with divorce sales.)

if I could go back to 28 and have the self esteem to have jilted my ex at the altar I might have a life now. I do sort of feel I have nothing left and don’t even want to hope for things to get better as I just feel really stupid (again) when i inevitably get another rejection. I feel bad for my kids and wanted to cry when I saw all the balloon arches and big parties on my daughter’s friends Facebooks for their 21sts. Not only did I not have the money to treat her like that, I have no family to celebrate with her apart from her brother, My parents died when I was young and I’m an only child, it was just the 3 of us trying to be cheerful. I have a lot of friends but I’m too tired and ashamed to speak to them much now. I feel like their tiresome charity project rather than a participating friend and am sick of being “poor Rhino” I used to manage my life so well, or so I thought, but actually it was just as much luck as hard work and I do feel mine ran out 4 years ago.

It sounds like you’re dealing with chronic stress, here are some techniques that might help: https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-regulate-nervous-system

(My go-tos are Headspace on Netflix, time in nature, ‘square’ breathing, and being mindful that I’m in ‘threat’ mode and that the true picture is better). Wishing you every success in the workplace 💐

I feel for you - you need to keep going - this is your one precious life and your family need you.
Day to day you need to balance your budget and tell your adult children when you can’t afford to support them. It is hard when you’re used to better times. My daughter signed on for JSA and gave me money for her keep when I was newly divorced. Longer term it has helped my children to budget and to be wary of relationships where they could lose their independence.
I agree temp working could help with your confidence and in finding a new role.
At 58 you’re coming up to retirement in 10 years time - could you live on your projected pension in your current home? If you need to downsize again, maybe look at doing that now? Could you claim your pension earlier?
Good luck.

I was also made redundant in my 50s and I agree your age is definitely against you. My profession is very ageist. I thought I would try a different job but when I applied for supermarkets and bar work, they didn’t want to know! So it’s not easy to just get ‘any old job.’

Signing up to some agencies is a good idea. It was the only way I could find some work but you have to be flexible.

I wouldn’t be worried or embarrassed about what other people think. Everyone I know who is 58 is retired. I know many people are expecting to work till their late 60s but mid-50s is normal in my circles.

You have really been through the mill with the traumatic divorce, bullying at work and now redundancy and the repeated micro-trauma of job rejections. I don't think it's at all surprising that you have reached a point of despair.

You shouldn't feel guilty about being unable to afford a big party for your daughter's 21st. It's only Instagram culture nowadays that is making people think this is the norm. I don't know anyone from my era (90s) who had a big party for their 21st; I certainly didn't, and it doesn't matter in the slightest. You clearly support your children in all the ways that matter.

Try not to dwell on the 'if onlys' of when you were 28. It's a thing about the wisdom you gain with age, that makes you see better decisions you could have made when you were younger - we all have it. But in fact, you just don't know what any other decision might have led to, directly or indirectly - you could have jilted your ex only to end up with someone worse; you could have stayed single and been happy but had a terrible accident. You are where you are now and there are positives - you obviously have a great relationship with your DC and the partner who has taken you on holiday sounds like a 'good egg'.

I agree with pp that you need help with your anxiety; can you go back to your GP and explain that despite the ADs you are still feeling anxious?

Things will turn around - you will find another job, it might not be your ideal job but if you keep applying, spreading your net as wide as you can, something will come along and you will feel better just to be working again.

Of course the lack of employment is the issue but can you tackle the resulting issues?

Self esteem / mental health
Totally understandable you are withdrawing from friends (they remind you of better times). Whilst you are hokng through this difficult time can you join local community groups and meet new peole ( a fresh start)

Is your new home in the same area?

You said you went on holiday with a new partner. Does your partner live nearby and is he being supportive?

Ensure you are getting lots of sleep, if not get back to the doctors.

Financial
Do you own your new house? If Yes, can you get a lodger?

Can you look at equity release?

Downsize again?

If you are now renting can you get any government help?

Your children are older now and will need to find seasonal part time work and support themselves

Hi @PaperRhino I also work in comms.
I left full-time employment at just over 40 for family reasons and worked on short term contract or temp roles for a few years.
I shamelessly networked - I had time to do this so I went to events but mostly I met friends in comms / marketing roles for coffee and this really worked for me. People who trust you will recommend you to someone or employ you,
I had to push myself up - I know you've had a tough time but remember your experience and your wisdom. You've got that. Someone younger won't. Look for roles that might be more consulting eg accountancy / Big 4 firms often have projects where they need a wise heart to guide their more junior staff.
Good luck. I'm late 40s now and back in a permanent role thanks to one of my friends.

By the way @PermanentTemporary i am so sorry about your DH. That must be terrible to deal with. I am really sorry if I’ve brought up difficult issues. I do feel suicidal tbh but I wouldn’t do it to my kids despite my life being on an irreversible downward spiral. Although I do worry about them finding me depressing. I used to be the “role model” parent - the one with friends and a good career and who always treated them and did fun things, and now I’m the anxious one who buys value shit from Lidl and wears the sweatshirts they owned when they were 14 cos I don’t want to waste money clothes shopping for myself, and who doesn’t want to speak to her friends.

I am in the process of downsizing @Sparklingnorthernlights - spent weeks and weeks throwing out every childhood memory and possession so my greedy ex can take a slice of cash from the 4 bedroom house we brought the kids up in and which I paid for entirely by myself (he now lives in a flat he inherited from his mother and his new GF pays the bills. Once a parasite…). Have put an offer on a 2 bed flat in a different area of the city where I lived before getting married but I’m scared that I wont be able to pay the management fees if I don’t get a job, and need to keep bedroom 2 for my kids when they are home.

I can maybe keep downsizing until I live in the boot of my car …

Great ideas @Ahnobother but just a heads up, the consultancy marketplace has been hit hard. Many of the marketing teams have been facing rounds of redundancies for over a year. I doubt there are opportunities for externals currently. Spot on for the networking though.

Don't worry about me, I'm fine. All it means is that if someone talks about ending it all, I take it seriously and talk about it openly.

I also went through parents losing money steadily as a teenager and young adult. I didn't mind and in particular I much preferred it when my parents were honest about being boracic - my mum mostly was, my dad mostly wasn't. (If I'm honest I was probably slightly relieved not to be quite so privileged. Inverted snobbery maybe). It is amazing how things can pick up once you're out of a relationship which has become toxic. Both my mum and dad had really good stages of their lives in their 60s, 70s and even their 80s once they stopped being together. It certainly wasn't a one way decline.

I thinknin your case I would set things p so that you can accept freelance work if it comes, do the easier bits of networking like Linked In, and then I'd look for work as a companion carer (come over to the Elderly Parents board for more info). That would mean reasonably pleasant work and some money coming in while you look for other things.

With your updates OP, I think the cut and thrust of a corporate role would not be the right thing for you at the minute. Obviously it would solve your financial problems, but it sounds like you need a period of readjustment without anything too taxing.

Therefore temping or some of the other roles people are suggesting may be the way to go right now. Focus on getting some routine in your life and getting in a regular income, even if it's not what you have previously been used to. I feel you also need to regain your self esteem and equilibrium, and a regular job of some sort could help with that.

I also think you need to speak to your DCs if you haven't done so already. Without slagging off their DF explain that finances are tight at the minute, so much as you love them you can't afford to subsidise them so they need to repay you for meals, lifts etc.They are adults so they should get it.

I wish you luck with it all.