Colleague making me feel insecure

[SadieandScott]

Hi

I always thought that I got on well with my colleague, we work closely together. But she seems to like to make me to feel insecure. She often tells me about negative things that she has heard others say about me. She dislikes me speaking to other colleagues that I think she deems to be only her friends.

She told me recently that our manager was very unhappy with me. I was told afterwards that this was not the case. She told me that colleagues never ignore her emails but they ignore mine (not true). Yesterday she told that another manager told her that he is feeling frustrated with me. I have yet to find out if this is true.

I have been in this job for 18 months, an industry I have no previous experience in. I have asked her not to tell me these things. I realise the root cause of this is her own insecurity and I should possibly just laugh it all off (sometimes I do) but it is quite upsetting at times and very unhelpful, I would appreciate any advise on how to deal with this!

You could try to ignore it or do the opposite - write her an email straight after the next time she goads you, stating what she told you, when she told you it, location etc and say you are so concerned about what she said you have copied in the people who are so supposedly unhappy with you, make sure you do copy them in, and take it from there.

You've already hit the nail on the head — she’s insecure and she’s taking it out on you. Hurt people hurt people.

It doesn’t stop it from hurting you but when you are upset, just remember that this is not your problem nor your fault — it’s hers and she’s trying to make it yours. Don’t let her. It’s not “actionable” advice, but just worth remembering for the sake of your own sanity.

Sorry this sounds tricky.

Next time she mentions something ask her to let whoever she's talking about approach you directly. You could also say something like I've noticed you're still telling me about so and so which I've asked you not to do. I'm not interested. Or just change the subject and don't engage.

Re your manager I'd ask your manager about what she's said so your manager is aware of whats happening 😉

Disassociate from her

She's toxic.Or play her at her town game and say well that's odd, because he said the same about YOU!!!

She is insecure. When she ‘shares’ this nonsense simply switch it around. ‘Why have you told me that?’ ‘What response are you looking for when you share this type of thing with me?’ Etc.

Such great and supportive advice, thank you all.