Why am I worse at being an employee than a freelancer?

[DoingJustFine]

I’ve been freelance for 25 years and have been very confidenf. I can go into meetings and discuss money, contracts, etc very confidently.

I’ve just signed a contract to work 2 days a week - employed - at my DREAM company and I’ve fallen to pieces! I was terrified in the interview (even though I knew the office and the woman interviewing me). Now I’m terrified of stuff like checking bits in the contract and communicating with anyone there.

Why am I like this? It’s not just because I’m more used to freelancing. I’m remembering how I was like this as an employee before. It’s like I’m scared of authority or that they’ll think I’m crap..?

I really need to conquer this before I start at the new job. I’ve been so fun, creative and friendly as a freelancer there that I really can’t bear to change into this neurotic mess.

if it’s relevant, I’m also like this in relationships. A fun, confident girlfriend, who then changes into a clingy, needy, paranoid wife.

HELP!!

Now I’m terrified of stuff like checking bits in the contract and communicating with anyone there.

Why? What are you telling yourself will happen?

I am a really effective Freelancer, my clients get real value for money but i am a terrible employee - If I get paid for turning up then thats all I will do.
Its the difference between being task paid vs being time paid I think, I also hate being told what to do.
The last time I went employed I lasted a year before it was suggested I leave because I didn't want to go to meetings and I refused to sugar coat anything. I admit it was mostly my own fault, I was capable of playing the game but really didn't want to
Its a real mindset shift and I can only keep it up for so long, hopefully you are different to me and will be able to do it.
Look at exactly what it is that you are afraid of and tey to find ways of building your confidence in those areas. Your employers are presumably not complete idiots so they must have seen something in you

This is me too. I worked for my dream company and I was ok for a while, but the pressure, being 'managed', having to account for every minute.

I was super defensive, terrified of making mistakes, which spiraled around each other.

I was upset when they let me go but realised within a day or so what a weight lifted off me and the relief was ecstatic.

I convinced DH to try and go freelance and haven't looked back. I'm making the same as I was in that last role but covering all kids holiday, school pick ups, house cleaning and just got back from being shortlisted for an award in my field after only 2 years as a limited company.

I think it's because as a freelancer you've got less to lose, you are not part of the organisation, you can walk away whenever you want. You also aren't tied to them financially because in theory you could go somewhere else. As a freelancer you are only really responsible for yourself. That's how I felt anyway.

This is uncanny! “Super defensive and terrified of making mistakes” is exactly how I go in proper “jobs”. I also get resentful too (about weird things) which is strange.

Congratulations on your freelance success! My job is only part-time do I can keep a log of freelance work going too (and have had that confirmed in writing) so I won’t have all my eggs in one basket if it goes wrong.

I spoke to someone about this and they suggested it might be a control thing - you have no control when you’re an employee. I’m a crazy control freak do it might be that.

I think I’m mainly scared that they’ll think they’ve made a mistake and sack me. Maybe that’s fear of rejection..?

It makes no sense because the lovely job is at a place I’ve freelanced for (with loads of different people) for 10+ years. I’ve always got on with everyone so hopefully it’ll be OK. I’d just like to feel I can be myself, not a strange, needy, shy mess.

Yes, as a freelancer you’re a lone wolf. You can breeze in and out.

Look at exactly what it is that you are afraid of and tey to find ways of building your confidence in those areas. Your employers are presumably not complete idiots so they must have seen something in you

Thank you! I can understand why they hired me but I’m scared I’ll somehow cause them to “realise” I’m crap? It’s imposter syndrome, I guess.

For some reason I’m.more scared of being unlikeable than incompetent!