NSFW - sexual encounter with colleague

[Mummyyyyy]

Sorry for the long post...

I have been friends with a male colleague for a few months now (I'm female). Over time, he's shown a bit of an interest in me, complimenting me, flirtatious comments, occasionally suggesting that we meet up after work etc. I did look forward to seeing him at work (We do get on really well, and talk basically all day whilst in the office) and I guess developed a bit of a crush.

He recently invited me out for an outdoor activity, which I accepted. There was no indication from his invite that sex was on his mind though, like I said, there was definitely a mutual attraction between us. We met at his shared accommodation and went to his room for a while where he started getting a bit touchy. He didn't have proper bedroom furniture, so we were on his bed (stupid of me, I know). I was a bit taken aback by the advances but didn't freak out or demand that he stop, and he eventually asked me whether I wanted to continue or wanted to remain friends. I chose the latter and he accepted. We left to complete this outdoor activity, which was briefer than I thought (and he was still a bit touchy), and returned home where he continued making sexual advances. Note that I'd already confirmed we should be friends only.

Again, stupidly, I didn't demand that he stop. I've been single for a long time, so I do admit that part of me enjoyed being held again, but in my head I was shocked it was happening and knew it was wrong. But, I was in his room, didn't want to make things too awkward, so I didn't firmly tell him to stop. I'd move his hand etc, but he would eventually restart what he was doing (fondling my b00bs, kissing my face, touching my body etc). We weren't naked at any time, but essentially had dry sex. This was all insigated by him. He could sense I wasn't fully reciprocating his advances so would stop for a while before continuing. When he wasn't touching me, he wasn't really interacting/speaking as often as we would at work, so it did get a bit awkward at times. Anyway, at the end of the day, he told me that he knows I want to wait until marriage before having sex again (I'm not a virgin, but am abstinent for religious reasons. He knew this way before we met at his home), and he couldn't commit to that (I knew this already), so he'd rather not meet up one-on-one again as he would just keep trying, and I'd keep resisting, which would annoy us both. He said we'd still be good friends etc but should only really meet as part of our wider friendship circle. I was a bit hurt at how quickly he said all this, but didn't say much and left.

I know I've been stupid. I'm planning to avoid the office for a bit and just regret the whole thing. Of course, I could have firmly told him to stop completely but didn't because I do like him, did partly miss being intimate, and didn't want to cause any awkwardness or tension. But, am I being completely unreasonable to feel a bit used? I was invited under the premise of an outdoor activity, which only lasted about 30 mins. The rest of the whole day was in his room. He always knew my stance on sex, so why invite me round in the first place? Just to say at the end that we shouldn't spend any more time alone? I haven't really been able to sleep well since (hence this post at 3:30am) and am trying to get over it before seeing him at work. I just feel sooo stupid and also used. I've been looking for a new job but am expediting my search now.

Any thoughts on how to process or handle this?

Give him a wide berth, he's a creep. You were not consenting but he obviously only had one thing on his mind. Keep it professional at work and do not socialise with him again.

I think there are some very mixed messages here.

You say no but then stay and continue. You say he knew your religious stance on sex yet still met up with him in his room.

On the basis that when you moved his hand from your boob only for him to put it back - why did you not simply stand up and leave ?

Then you say you don't believe in sex before marriage for religious reasons (but are not a virgin)

You sound like a normal young woman with a normal sexual appetite who fancies this bloke but are letting some patriarchal religion - designed to subjugate women - is stopping you live a life where you explore your sexuality and take your time to enjoy finding someone who suits you.

Why the hell would you even consider marrying someone you hadn't slept with ??? What happens if he is useless or say - sadistic in bed .. can only get aroused if you dress as a man - I don't know - there are a million and one kinks out there - and you are honestly thinking that tying yourself legally to someone without knowing what your sex life will be like - is a good idea. ?
All 'religious rules' have been created by human males. None of the ones that relate to female sexuality, from any of the main world faiths are designed to benefit women. Only men.

I did look forward to seeing him at work (We do get on really well, and talk basically all day whilst in the office) and I guess developed a bit of a crush.

if I were you I'd get a new job. I cannot see how you (both) will get away with talking to this colleague "basically all day" (don't you have any actual work to do? What do your colleagues say, they must be getting mighty pissed off with you not pulling your weight, what does your manager/supervisor do when you haven't done a stroke of work all day? Etc).

As rightly stated by the pp upthread, you are giving out very mixed messages. Yes, this colleague is a sex pest who'll keep on and on at you until you eventually give in. But check your own adult decisions here, is it wise to put yourself into compromising situations with the colleague, presumably in work time, that you know aren't appropriate and will lead to regret and possibly repercussions on your employment, people gossiping and this colleague possibly boasting about it (how can you trust him?) Think about whether he's really worth losing your job over (don't bother worrying about his job security, that's for him to worry about).

yip. keep a wide berth from him. he was setting the circumstances up to get a quick sexual encounter. then because it did not go his way he fobbed you away. if he was genuinely interested he would play a longer game than that. you are playing to a different standard than he is and that is ok. You need to mix in groups who have similar or close to similar beliefs to you. You probably feel a bit duped as your expectation was like "a mansion" based on him but it more "a shed" when you arrived! Happens lots of women so move on from it.

It's completely understandable that you feel used and confused. It sounds like you were caught in a difficult situation, and it's brave of you to acknowledge your part in it while also recognizing that your colleague acted inappropriately.

You are both equally responsible and have the same brains, if you didn't want to do then don't, he is not to blame because you can't work out what you want, you may be female but you should own your own mind

I would also look for a new job

Move jobs
Learn boundaries - you sound like you are a people pleaser. This is what i would have done in your situation:

Gone to watch him at his sport or met him for lunch outside. Would not have returned to his place.

You stayed in his room so to him it looked like there was potential for sex. Do not enter an unknown man's room if you really dont want sex.

I do not mix work and pleasure so wouldnt pursue liaisons with colleagues.

But since you have but do not want to pursue it now I would put distance between you. Do not spend all day chatting with him, diversify your social networks & chat to others. Your main role at work is to work not to flirt with colleagues.

Sorry but I also think it was mixed messages from your part, like you said, you enjoyed it, but you feel guilty now after the event. Time will heal, but have a think about what you really want, do you actually want to wait til marriage? How far are you willing to go and also give yourself a voice ... sorry but I'm not wanting this, or at least indicate how far you'll go.
So you say you didn't actually have sex, so that's good as that was not something you wanted to do. You enjoyed it, you're human, most of us do enjoy that type of encounter, and religion wise, people do engage in such activities without penetration of that's your main worry. Don't beat yourself up!

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

You're attracted to him, have been speaking/flirting for months and agreed to spend time one-on-one outside the office. You then accepted to meet at his house instead of going straight to your outdoor activity, went into his bedroom and sat on his bed but insisted you only wanted friendship. You then went back to his house after the outdoor activity, went back into his bedroom despite what had happened earlier and had dry sex, which shocked you (I can't imagine why) but you enjoyed it so you didn't tell him to stop. But now you feel used. I'm as confused as he probably was! Be honest with yourself about what you really want (casual sex? friendship? attention?) and learn to set better boundaries.

I agree wholeheartedly with this

To be fair, she had laid out her stall and boundary- no sex. What we think of that is irrelevant and a conversation for a different day.

He knew that boundary but tried it on anyway. He then made a second attempt in the hope she’d cave.

I agree with PPs he’s a creep and not a good guy. If he wanted to date you he should have talked about the sex being an issue for him so you could think about it.

It’s not as easy as all that to say no to a friend that’s trampling on your boundaries- we see that on here all the time! We don’t want to ruin the friendship, we are surprised when people we thought were nice take advantage of us- repeatedly. And this all happened on one day- didn’t give her much time to adjust.

Sweetheart it’s not you, it’s him. I’m sorry he isn’t who you think he is, but you need to distance yourself- he’s just a greedy selfish bloke, not a friend.

And as for he no sex thing- take time to think it through a bit more. I regret having that boundary myself. But it’s entirely your choice. It’s possible that you’ll have a very restricted pool to choose from and may catch a very patriarchal, double standard kind of chap.

Keep looking for another job. How to process this? He isn't what you want or what you need. You enjoyed the flirting,attention and intimacy. Nothing wrong with that. However you have a boundary that he can't stick to. It was never going to work.

You know sex is fine right? To meet someone and be attracted and see them out of work is fine? It sounds like you do like him and are attracted, but the religious belief is holding you back.

Dry sex???

To be fair, she had laid out her stall and boundary- no sex. What we think of that is irrelevant and a conversation for a different day.

@KeirSpoutsTwaddle agree 100% but in my experience, men struggle with what this actually means sometimes. I've had a few men come and see me for days out etc and I've said no sex thinking just be friends or see if it escalates and they took it to mean "everything but sex".

I don't understand why you returned to his bedroom and lay down with him again.

Mixed messages.

You don't need to feel guilty about wanting sex with someone you're attracted to. You need to take responsibility for your own boundaries.

If you absolutely don't want this to happen, set better boundaries, make him fully aware of how you feel and don't put yourself in a position like that again.

First of all, if you say it's a no then there's nothing clearer than that so in future if you get into a situation like that be absolutely clear. Body language reading isn't always a skill for people.

In this case I think you did want it but was feeling guilty due to your beliefs. You said yourself you miss being intimate and being intimate is important if you have a connection.

You and this guy obviously have a connection but if he can't wait til you're married etc then you have a decision to make. He's made it quite clear. You either leave the job and move on or you consider your beliefs and feelings for him and see where it goes.

Human connection is a powerful thing. Some people go through life never connecting with people and based on personal experience, I would never give up a strong connection if I was single. You might never get it again.

I dont think he's used you. He hasn't had sex with you and then moved on. He's seen how the land lies in my opinion and he hasn't forced you into anything.

I understand religious obligations entirely but I also understand the power of connection. Im not saying jump into bed with him but seeing where it goes could be magical. What is your gut telling you to do?

I’m not sure op, I don’t see how you were used, used for what? Dry humping? He stopped when asked etc and you gave mixed messages as you were enjoying it, seems a mutual error of judgement which he has realised also. He didn’t force you onto his bedroom, you went in there knowing full well why you were going in.

what do you want to happen, a relationship with him?

I’m certain you are clowning . Your first paragraph was a piss take lol 😂

You do realise this is on the Work board which is about work and employment related issues, so there's nothing wrong in me pointing out RW reality not MN fantasy, that it's a great way to get the sack, not doing a stroke of work all day. But fair enough, I'm more than happy to keep my good advice to myself, it isn't my career at stake. The OP should have posted this into Chat if they didn't want employment advice.

No you assumed that she wasn’t working all day. She was spending the day sitting and eyeing up her work boyfriend or whatever he is. You do k own you can work and bat your eyelids same time right etc. the second paragraph was helpful but your first paragraph sounded like you wanted to have a go at her regardless before offering good advice 😅

We do get on really well and talk basically all day whilst in the office

I've emboldened the exact quote which resulted in my observation. Take it as you want to. I took it she talked basically all day.

I don't have an axe to grind. Why would I deliberately want to have a go at someone. I wouldn't.