I am a head of department at a charity and I’ll preface this by saying on a personal level I adore(d) my boss, the CEO. We consider each other friends - on the whole. However, this has created something of a toxic professional relationship.
It shouldn’t really matter, but she is 64 and I am 35. She has no kids. I largely work from home, so we see each other face to face once every couple of weeks.
In December, I came back from maternity and for a while she was really pushy with me from a professional perspective. Unrealistic targets, short time frames. I started to lose the ‘rose tinted glasses’ and I noticed her behaviour with other members of the team actually became bullying. She would blow hot and cold with me - but she knows with our ‘friendly/toxic’ dynamic that if she tried any bullying tactics on me then I’d pull her up on it immediately.
I began to make notes about how I was being treated and more so how others were being treated.
That lasted two months before I got over it and just got on with it.
Recently her behaviour has become frantic again. And I have noticed comments that are racist, homophobic, transphobic….and it’s totally new. I am taken aback. Shocked. Examples all from the last month.
We work with celebrities quite often and she asked me if one has ‘big lips’ following a recent meeting.
On a potential relationship with a well known drag performer, she questioned whether they might be ‘into kids’
on a new member of the team joining, who is Indian, she waxed lyrical about her potential - but just hoped she didn’t ’smell of curry’
I wanted to interview a candidate with an African name and they were veto’d - despite being the most qualified by a MILE and was unable to give a proper reason apart from ‘fit’ (without meeting them)
She has also become jealous of my friendships with other coworkers.
From chatting to another head of department I historically didn’t get on with, we discovered she had been telling each of us different things - untruths in fact - and playing us against one another. We now get on well…which she doesn’t seem to like.
Today she said that I need to stop hugging a greeting to another colleague (a woman similar to her age - who I get on really well with - not in my team or a team I have any dealings with). She is just a very friendly, tactile person.
This came on top of a list of complaints about a project today - where each complaint really needn’t have been one. It was nit picking, and she clearly had a bee in her bonnet about something. A cold day.
my question is….Im returning to making those notes, now including the inappropriate comments.
We don’t have an internal HR dept. It would involve going to the Trustee’s.
With childcare, the job offers me so much flexibility. I can work my hours around baby, so no need to pay for nursery at the moment….i can’t imagine finding something else that fits my situation currently. But I feel like this can go really badly if she isn’t held to account.