I've career changed and I'm still training to do the job. It's a lot to learn and quite intense but I'm enjoying it.
Every month there's a meeting of about 80 of us from several teams who are new to the industry. Higher ups are there too.
In these meetings a few people present what they've been doing in their team or something new they've worked on etc.
I was made to do a presentation a couple of months ago which was odd as it really could have been done by a number of people and I was especially new to the role but alas.
This monthly meeting is often rearranged due to scheduling conflicts and it was rescheduled several times. Each time I prepared and practised and psyched myself up and it kept getting postponed. By the time I finally did it I was a bit of a wreck but got through it. It was fine. I was praised. I was happy it was over with, confident that I'd had "my turn" and now I would be left alone.
The career I came from involved public speaking but I hated it. Specifically a presentation in front of people makes me very nervous. No amount of facing my fear has ever helped and I just have to get through it. It's been like this for years and years.
I learned in previous roles to never tell anybody this because it makes it worse - people think they're your personal psychiatrist and try to push you out of your comfort zone wherever possible in an attempt to fix you. And people give you pity smiles and watch for signs of nerves and comment on your performance. If you act like you are fine, people just do what they do in all presentations and stop listening.
I understand this fear is my own problem but it's actually one of the reasons I changed career as I don't enjoy public speaking and constant leading meetings etc. Having to do it was causing me constant low level anxiety and I dreaded every day.
I've just been asked (but more like told) to present again. While obviously in one way this is a compliment as they think I did well last time, I also think this is unfair. There's loads of people who have never presented and now I've had to do it twice and I'm one of the newest.
The specific topic they want me to present could be done by any of about 10 people in my team. In fact I feel like they've decided I'm presenting and picked a topic rather than picked a topic and chose a person to present it. They are saying I did a great job last time and they're looking forward to me doing it again.
I feel like if I say I don't want to as I'm nervous they will simply try and encourage me to face my fear.
Part of me thinks I'm being unreasonable because I suppose part of the reason I got the job is for my "soft skills" and they're just making use of them. I don't yet have the technical skills so I guess this is what I have to offer for now. But I want to be treated like everyone else and have time to learn my job without this extra stress. And it really does cause a lot of stress.
I'm also worried my colleagues are going to start to see me as a suck up, assume I'm volunteering to keep showing off what I've done to the higher ups etc.
Another part of me thinks I should just shut up and deal with it because it will help me be recognised in my career. I'm the sole breadwinner and although I'm new I do aim to get promoted etc eventually. Progressing as soon as I'm capable would indeed be helpful.
I guess I'm struggling to balance creating boundaries for myself and not constantly agreeing to things that stress me out vs being someone who gets involved and shows a can-do attitude.
I'm reluctant to have a big "I am scared of presenting" confession / showdown because I think it might make them actually push me to do it more.