Coworker is like a scorpion

[Huhnj]

I really need to vent here as I’m getting so down and anxious about this.

Has anyone ever dealt with someone like this, I’m hoping someone understands, a coworker that just seems to have it in for you, this person will be normal and nice and then turn and say something so personal and rude but in a very backhanded way. Is it insecurity?

It’s almost like she stews about me and then boils over, almost seething. So the question is has anyone just disliked you like this or is there always going to be a root cause?

I feel like this is about to get turned on me by her because I’ve had years of it, if it’s not my appearance, it’s my way of holding a file, sometimes really personal but would be outing to say. So the other day I snapped a bit when I didn’t mean to and I feel I’m going to get complained about. This is more of a vent really :(

I had a colleague like that. She joined the department when I was on a secondment. When I returned, she was openly annoyed that I had, in her mind, higher status in the school than she did. Any classes we shared, she would complain about me to the head of department. It was jealousy which was never really resolved. I kept out of her way and only responded professionally. Another colleague became exceedingly nice to her so she had no cause to complain about her. That threw her for a while. 😂She later became even more outrageous in her behaviour with others and eventually left the department to work in learning support. We were all delighted!

What do they call them in Bridget Jones, jellyfish? You don't realise they've stung you until afterwards and then you feel the pain. Yup I know a few of those.
One I had to cease contact with. It would be things like 'well you don't do your job properly do you? Bahaha!' when we worked together

Can you start keeping a diary of these incidents and then take, say, a week's worth to your line manager or HR? She has to be brought up sharply in this, and if that doesn't work then she may need to be managed out. Sorry you're going through this, it sounds incredibly toxic.

Call her out. 'I find that offensive ' or 'could you repeat that '. You could get her to repeat it over and over until she looks ridiculous. You really don't have to accept this behaviour. If you can't respond , as has been suggested already, take notes and speak to your manager.

Thanks for your replies, it’s a relief that people understand as I felt I sounded a bit weird reading it back.

I have started keeping a log as she seems to have got a lot worse recently and don’t want to get caught into a dynamic of power when I’ve got a lot on my plate at work already.

I always want to say that ‘repeat that’ but I’m always taken aback and don’t react in time! You think I’d have learnt her MO by now and be quick to say it.

Yes. I had a strange relationship with someone. We both went for the same promotion and I got it. While I am not unsympathetic to the initial sting. I found the way she blamed me to be so bizarre. I didn’t give myself the job. Her coldness towards me went on until she left 18 months later.

People are so weird.

Can you minimize interactions with her to bare minimum. Only talk about specific work? Even ask to be moved to a different desk etc.

Yes, I've had two like that over the years.

It's usually jealousy or resentment on their part. With mine, one resented the fact that I was working full time while having a ds(2) at nursery. She hadn't started her career until her children were at senior school.

And the other resented my degree, my physical size/shape and my house, and was utterly poisonous.

In both cases, there was nothing I could do to change the reasons for the resentment so I tolerated for a while and then moved job. Life's too short to put up with stuff like that.

I had a colleague like that. She became my boss and absolutely hated me. She'd send rude emails and texts and shout at me in front of 50 people for no reason. I eventually told the director when the HR lady overheard one of her out bursts and made a complaint. She got demoted about a year later, for bullying someone much more popular than me.

@Cherryana Sorry you had to go through that. I’m thinking the same, just how to make it work.

Sorry everyone has had this or a variation of it. Makes me feel a bit less alone even though I wouldn’t wish these weird dynamics on others. Thanks for all the replies, I woke up feeling that dread feeling but feel a bit better for reading the tips and replies.

@Meadowfinch I had that a few years back. A woman above me, I thought she was ace, I admired her and she was always okay with me and then she slowly started on me - where I lived, my appearance (never a day without a backhanded comment!) it was horrible. I’ve always wondered what that was all about.

OP, mine was also my boss. By the end of the first week, she called me 'skinnybits' in my hearing and by month two she called me 'skinnybitch'.

It's small minded and a lack of education and professionalism.

I found a better job, with a better boss.

@Meadowfinch wow awful! Although sadly I’ve had similar comments on the body by above woman too!!

As a business owner I’d want you to come to me about it or HR.

This is bullying and it infects the atmosphere, productivity and the can cause people taking time off work for mental health issues.

Just stone wall her for now. Say nothing. One word replies if she talks about you regarding work - but go to your line manager, boss or HR.

You don’t have to get on with everyone at work, your not their to be best mates with people - but this is beyond that.

@Hugosmaid Thanks, I’ve thought about talking about it to my line manager but was worried that some of it might come out sounding subjective or that I’m over sensitive and it’s usually done when we’re alone. Although a new one this week was a public dressing down of me which was fun.

In public? That's actually a good thing. If co-workers were present, note down their names in the log, if you haven't already.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like that. It's very rude."