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Original poster

How would you take this?

56 replies

Witchinthewest · 27/05/2024 22:16

If someone at work, I a senior-ish role to you were doing the following...

Keeps looking at you, staring almost as though he can't take his eyes off you
Always stops to chat when in the office
Checks that you are OK regularly
Fist bumps you regularly
Regularly and subtley invades personal space (in a non creepy way).
Light pretend punches on your upper arm
He looks/ glances at you when in conversation with others
Always complimenting your work
Says things like 'I always have time for you' and 'I really look forward to the days you are in the office'
Always has your back on work related stuff.
Keeps saying you can go to him if you need to vent about anything

...how would you take that....?

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 28/05/2024 07:53

I'm not clear how you feel about this or what you are in a quandary about. It sounds like he likes you. I wouldn't want someone on my space, hitting my arm or fist bumping me but I'd likely just say so.

bomi · 28/05/2024 07:57

I don't think any of the things you describe are HR worthy as some others have suggested.

He probably just likes you and hasn't actually done anything wrong.

bomi · 28/05/2024 07:57

Do you mind that he acts this way?

It kind of sounds like you might be trying to suss out if he fancies you, but also sounds like he might be an irritant?

Original poster
Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 07:57

Doingmybest12 · 28/05/2024 07:53

I'm not clear how you feel about this or what you are in a quandary about. It sounds like he likes you. I wouldn't want someone on my space, hitting my arm or fist bumping me but I'd likely just say so.

I'm trying to work out if friendly or flirty behaviour before I bring it up with him and ask him to stop. I suppose I'm worried about plausible deniability.

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 28/05/2024 07:59

Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 07:52

Simone?

Show quote history

Someone

BlackEyesLikeADollsEyes · 28/05/2024 08:01

Simone = someone

HappyintheHills · 28/05/2024 08:01

Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 07:57

I'm trying to work out if friendly or flirty behaviour before I bring it up with him and ask him to stop. I suppose I'm worried about plausible deniability.

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter what his intentions are
You are being treated differently and it makes you uncomfortable, fair enough to ask him to stop

Redshoeblueshoe · 28/05/2024 08:01

Tell him to back off.

Springwatch123 · 28/05/2024 08:02

Sounds a bit over friendly. Is he trying to suck up to the boss?

Keeps looking at you, staring almost as though he can't take his eyes off you - weird

Always stops to chat when in the office - normal, friendly

Checks that you are OK regularly - depends how often? Has your stress increased and they’re concerned?

Fist bumps you regularly - if you’re not a fist-bumping type of office, weird

Regularly and subtley invades personal space (in a non creepy way). - crossing boundaries

Light pretend punches on your upper arm - over friendly

He looks/ glances at you when in conversation with other

Always complimenting your work - friendly to over the top

Says things like 'I always have time for you' and 'I really look forward to the days you are in the office' - a bit creepy

Always has your back on work related stuff. - ok

Keeps saying you can go to him if you need to vent about anything - once or twice fine. More, overbearing

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/05/2024 08:02

It depends what your reaction is to him. If you like him and would like to start dating him that's one thing but if he gives you the creeps then that's another altogether.

Original poster
Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 08:04

bomi · 28/05/2024 07:57

Do you mind that he acts this way?

It kind of sounds like you might be trying to suss out if he fancies you, but also sounds like he might be an irritant?

Yes nothing HR worthy. But I feel I could speak to him about it... but then would he say it's just friendly...
I find it a little awkward, yes.

OP posts:
Springwatch123 · 28/05/2024 08:06

These are issues, which on their own, don’t seem to bad, and once or twice, are fine. However, if done frequently they’re become overbearing, especially if he’s never been like that before (which you could put down to social awkwardness, anxiety etc).

Re-reading the list

  • fancies you
  • jealous of other people talking to you
  • wants to be your best buddy /sucking up to boss
  • socially unaware
  • concerned about how they are doing at work, so trying to be friendly with you to ensure their job is safe etc
Doingmybest12 · 28/05/2024 08:08

It might be just friendly but you can still say stop doing it. If he hit my arm more than once I'd just say, what are you doing, stop..move out of the way. Fist bump, leave him hanging. The comments, shut them down. If you can't just respond naturally to this then that suggests he is being more of a pest than your OP suggests. I think I'd talk to someone else I trust , just so someone else is aware and be ultra professional with him.

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 28/05/2024 08:08

If you are comfortable speaking to him about it then do so.
Next time he is in your personal space say ‘Ben, can you give me some room here, you are in my personal space. Also stop with the fist bumps and touching me, I don’t like it.’
Any justifying my him you cut down immediately with ‘I said I don’t like it.’
End of.
Then he might also cut back on the offers of help and staring.

Original poster
Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 08:10

For clarity, he is senior to me. I'm not his senior.

OP posts:
Springwatch123 · 28/05/2024 08:11

Maybe have a conversation and keep it low key. Ie, just ask him to stop fist bumping /patting your arm as it’s not professional for the office etc and if he asks you how you are, just reply ‘same as last time you asked’ etc.

If you catch him staring, and you’re near enough to him, ask him if he’s alright or wants to ask you something. Ie. Ie start calling out these behaviours

LadyLapsang · 28/05/2024 08:16

If a guy tried to fist bump me in the office, I would probably remind him he wasn’t on a football pitch or in the pub with his mates.

Original poster
Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 08:31

LadyLapsang · 28/05/2024 08:16

If a guy tried to fist bump me in the office, I would probably remind him he wasn’t on a football pitch or in the pub with his mates.

😂

OP posts:
Icehockeyflowers · 28/05/2024 09:38

Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 08:10

For clarity, he is senior to me. I'm not his senior.

And this is why it’s inappropriate behaviour on his part.
All these seemingly innocent jokes are making you feel uneasy. He is the one crossing boundaries, he is the one in control of the situation. You are not on an equal par with him and his seniority means he has more clout than you …unless he has done it before and HR may be aware of this?
Touching you is not in. I don’t know what age you are OP or what age he is but invading your space and touching you on your arm isn’t something he would do to a man in the office so he absolutely shouldn’t be doing it to you.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 28/05/2024 09:39

Don't shit where you eat and all that 😬

Original poster
Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 10:01

So the feeling is he fancies me he is making advances, and I'm validated to say something to him about it.

OP posts:
Icehockeyflowers · 28/05/2024 10:10

Witchinthewest · 28/05/2024 10:01

So the feeling is he fancies me he is making advances, and I'm validated to say something to him about it.

This is where it gets tricky.
He is likely to get very defensive or deny his behaviour as ‘banter’ or your imagination.

Have you thought about how to approach it.

Maybe someone will come along and give you some suggestions?

Sillystrumpet · 28/05/2024 10:12

Yeah op, he has plausible deniability. You can’t go rolling in there accusing him or]f fancying you and flirting, in reality he has done nothing wrong and you’d look like a right weirdo if he took it to hr. Fist bumps are also more of a mate thing.

DeadMabelle · 28/05/2024 10:17

I’d ignore, and push back on the touching. ‘Dave, politely, nothing personal — but I’m just not a touchy-feely person, and the fist-bumping is irritating me. Could you back right off?

Redshoeblueshoe · 28/05/2024 10:43

The OP doesn't have to accuse him of anything, just tell him to stop - when he touches her, or ignore him when he keeps asking how she is, etc.