Possible conflict

[ElTortilla]

A colleague, and someone I would consider a friend recently told me that they felt unsupported by their manager, P, during a particularly stressful time and upsetting time.

P has a reputation as being unfeeling, which I was surprised at. I've always found him to be supportive towards me.

I was also recently feeling very stressed and P, who is not my manager, asked what was wrong and it all came pouring out. P was incredible and very supportive.

I was recently speaking to my own manager about the support I received from P and how surprised I was at the sympathetic care he offered at a troubled time, given that P has a reputation for being uncaring. My own manager asked me who had said that, I told him and now I'm so worried that this will get back to P and my lovely colleague, who im sure, told me of her upset in confidence. If this gets back to her, she will never trust me again and she's one of my favourite colleagues.

oh dear - the right thing to do was to respect your colleague’s confidence, but ship has sailed on that

i would go back to your manager (quickly) and say that your colleague shared her experience in confidence with you and you don’t want her name mentioned to P.

I would also suggest to your friend that she mentions her experience directly to someone. Perhaps to your own manager.

have you heard from other people that P is “unfeeling” or is it just from your friend? If it’s just something you’ve heard from one person, then it could be a mismatch in expectations between them, not a general failing on P’s part . Especially as your own experience is different

it’s hard to know here if P is unsupportive or if your friend is expecting too much of them. Being sympathetic in one conversation is different to supporting someone you manage throughout a difficult time. It can take a toll on the manager too, especially if it means they need to pick up extra work .

Hi @Daffidale thank you for your reply.

I think my manager might think I'm mad of I approach him about it again.

I'm so worried about this.

I know that my colleague who was upset also spoke about her experience to my manager about her manager.

It's a shit situation that I have got myself into. I am really mad at myself that I didn't think before I said my colleagues name.

Am I reading this right? your colleague has mentioned her experience directly to your manager as well? In that case I think you are OK as you haven’t shared anything secret that your manager hadn’t already heard directly from her

If you want to avoid your colleague finding out by the back door that you have also said something, then perhaps a bit of a mea culpa chat where you say you are really sorry but you mentioned about P being seen as unfeeling to your manager, and in the moment when they asked you mentioned her name. Apologise and say you are sorry you have potentially betrayed her confidence but wanted her to know.