Not a part of the team

[JustanAssistant]

I'm an Executive Assistant in a company to two people. One runs the company and one owns the company. The job is probably 90% work assisting the person who runs the company and 10% the owner.

There is an event that is being held as a thank you to the Exec board and a couple of other high ups, that I'm organising. I assumed I was not included in this event, but then I was told they were expanding the numbers and I would be included. I've been told today that I now might not be included as it's been raised that this might be perceived badly - ie Exec board and high ups can do it, but I'd be the only lower staff member there. A decision will be made in the next week or two, by the owner, about whether I will be part of it or not.

The person who runs the company has told the owner that I should be there and that would be their choice, but ultimately, it's the owners prerogative.

I've surprised myself by being upset about this. It's not actually the event that I'm upset about, but more that I'm not considered one of the team. I work hard, and it's been acknowledged a few times (verbally) that they couldn't do their jobs without me.

But when it comes down to thanking staff, I'm "just" an assistant, not a part of the team. I'm good enough to organise the event, but not participate as a team member.

Due to my role and where I sit in the organisation, I don't have a team - so when there's Xmas lunches/birthdays etc, I'm occasionally invited by another department, but I always thought this was my team. Now I feel like I'm just an outlier for every team/department.

Thera nothing that can really be done about it, but it's really surprised me how hurt I am.

The owner is getting off on a power trip. Of course you should be invited. What are they afraid you might do at the event! I had something almost identical happen to me some years back and it's utterly pathetic. I'm still hurt and bitter about it. Sorry it's happening to you.

Something similar happened to me too where I worked very closely with the boss for many years, however wasn't invited to a huge celebration thing that most of my colleagues were invited to. It was just a certain team that I was in that was left out. Most of the invited were at the same level as us and above. Everyone came back to work the weekend after and wouldnt stop talking about it and sharing photos. It was hurtful and to be honest, just one other thing to add to the toxic workplace that it was. It always felt hierarchical there and we were always made to feel at the bottom of the pecking order. Despite me being the only employee the boss could work with (he's notoriously difficult!) and would work daily alongside. I left and never looked back! So I totally get it. Power tripping fools that they are.

Thank you.

I don't think it's a deliberate power-trip, but the owner is a bit tone deaf when it comes to thinking about other people (I'm pretty sure he's ND). It honestly won't have occurred to him that this might be upsetting.

I'm actually quite angry about this, the more I think about it. And even if he decides I should be there, it now feels tainted and that I'm just there to fill a seat. If he decides I shouldn't be there, then I'll know exactly where I stand in his view.

There is another event later in the year, which I'm definitely going to, but it's because I'm needed to do work. Because of its nature, it feels a bit like a jolly, but it's hard work for me. There's no question about me not attending that, but again I'm being treated differently as I'll be in the surplus accommodation rather than the main one where everyone else is.

I feel thoroughly put in my place, the more I think about it.

I think another thing that has annoyed me is that they've basically told me that I might/might not go, but they don't know who will be filling my seat. So I haven't been bumped because of someone more important who needs to go, just because I'm not important enough.

I'm an exec assistant. I'd just say now that you won't be going even if invited, just take the power of the decision away from them.

I also had the situation of organising an event abroad for the leadership team, and being part of meals (as organiser). It was pretty awful - I was roundly ignored at the dinner table. If put in that situation again, I'd ask to eat elsewhere.

I work somewhere now where it is more inclusive. I do have dinner with the Leadership Team, but it's generally because I have already arranged a dinner with one of them, with me, when he visits the UK, and I ask the rest if they want to join. So it's them 'gatecrashing' my dinner rather than the other way around.

I get you, though, it's tricky and can be disheartening, especially if you are not part of a wider team for xmas meals etc.

Thanks - it's disheartening to know it happens all the time. I've never felt "othered" by the team, or the person who runs the company, it's the owner. He very much likes to have the position of benevolence towards the staff, so it is a little bit of a power play for him, but more through obliviousness than malice.

I'm tempted to say I can't make it now - which could be true. I've had to organise grandparents to do the school run on that day, and they've changed their plans to accommodate us. I don't want to take the piss with them, so I think I'll say today that I need to know sooner rather than later, so that I can let them know.

I'm still surprised how upset I am - I lost sleep over this last night - and I don't suffer sleeplessness easily!

Yes, it's horrible to be left out.

I'd just do an email of 'I understand there has been some debate about me attending the dinner. I've now made personal plans, so no need to factor me in.'

Likely the event will be massively dull anyway!

That’s not nice op. 💐💐💐

It's not nice that the boss is dangling the invite and then withdrawing it.

It's difficult for PAs, I think though, in that you're not part of the company's exec team but they are the people you work most closely with.

My organisation has put all the PAs together in one admin team which works well, I think.

Because I have to say, while I work closely with my PA of course, I don't really consider her as the same as my direct reports because the work she does is fundamentally different to the work of the rest of my team. Which isn't to say it isn't valuable work.

OP, if your "benevolent" owner does decide to invite you I suggest you decline.

I'm very tempted. But I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face! I also need to remain professional.

I think I'll just say to the person who runs the company, that in future, if there's any question over whether I will/wont attend, please don't mention it until they're absolutely sure they want me there.

And I'll stop assuming I'm part of the team, and act accordingly.

It's been confirmed today I'm not attending - the owner apologised and said it's because it wouldn't look good if I attended. I won't bother saying anything to him, there really is little point due to how he is - and it'd look like sour grapes.

I will speak to the person who runs the company about ensuring that invitations are not issued until the guest list is firm. I'm also going to assume I'm not invited to anything.

I've cancelled the Grandparents who were going to do childcare - they're coming anyway and they're bringing champagne to cheer me up! 🥂

(I've now got to return the clothes I'd purchased for the event too! 🤦🏻‍♀️)

It happened. I've been re-invited. 🤬

Person who runs the company has fought in my corner and convinced owner I should be there.

Owner has "graciously" re- invited me, and in the same breath wanted to be sure I understood that this sets no precedent and I shouldn't expect to be invited to everything.

I have been very clear that my attendance is reliant on grandparents and that they will have to change their plans AGAIN to facilitate this. I've also reiterated that we should NEVER invite anyone to an event unless we are absolutely sure we want them to attend.

And the owner is a cock.

This is crazy, the owner treating you like some kind of servant isn't fair if everyone else is going. I used to be a PA/EA and know lots of PAs/EAs and never seen this type of situation occur like his before. I'd have just rocked up and let him turn you away in front of everyone!

You were never invited were you?

So you haven't been re-invited just invited?

I will speak to the person who runs the company about ensuring that invitations are not issued until the guest list is firm.

I think I'll just say to the person who runs the company, that in future, if there's any question over whether I will/wont attend, please don't mention it until they're absolutely sure they want me there.

I don't think you should say this.

I think the person who runs the company wanted me there, it was discussed and he took that as a yes, hence the first invitation.

The person who owned the company then decided it wasn't appropriate and said that the invitation should never have been issued. He was then talked round to include me.

To be honest the whole debacle has left a really sour taste in my mouth and I think I'll just decline any future invitations as I feel like I'm not wanted anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Treat them the way they treat you. Don't invest too much of your energy, just do what requires and dump them when a better opportunity comes along.

The event was on Tuesday. I went and generally everybody had a lovely time. By the end of the day, though I was back to being just an assistant as I was required to work while I was there because timings changed and transport needed to be rebooked.

Owner of the company was a complete patronising twat all day. I've decided that if I'm invited to any further events with him included, I will have childcare issues.

He's also spent quite a lot of time in the lead up and at the event and since the event making sure that everybody had a good time and was suitably impressed at the grandeur and expense.

If I'm invited to an event that doesn't include him, I will do my best to attend. Everyone else was absolutely lovely and I felt like I was a part of the team and included. In fact I felt like just another person there which is the height of compliment for me.