Help DS with his checkered work history.

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I've name changed because I'm about to give quite a bit of DS's personal info.

He never loved school, except practical subjects and maths and he took every opportunity to do extracurricular things around engineering. Year 8 he did a thing with a local engineering company and decided there and then that was who he wanted to work for. They have a highly regarded apprenticeship programme.

When he got to 16 he had decent GCSE results, but he refused to even consider anything else, no 6th form, no college applications, no other apprenticeships. I was having kittens over no back up plan, but he applied and was one of 5 successfully applicants from 300+. He was also the youngest at 16yo, with the others all being 19+

So he started the apprenticeship and appeared to be loving it. Then lockdown happened and college went online and work was wfh. The college were rubbish and work seemed to forget he existed. At the same time his Dad was dying, three months in hospital when we couldn't see him at all, then he came home to die, with DS the one always at home with him, as he was still wfh.

At the time, I was just getting through as best I could, caring for completely bedbound DH and trying to work too. DS insisted he was fine, which was what I wanted to hear, but of course he wasn't and as you'd probably expect , wasn't applying himself at college or work and eventually admitted the situation was unsalvavgeable and left after 3 years with no additional qualifications. He didn't do what he should have but the company and the college let him down badly too imo. Still that's in the past now.

By this time his Dad had been dead about 4 months. Again, with hindsight, far too soon to be making big decisions, but he applied for a foundation course at one of the top unis and got it, despite no Alevels, and off he went for a year's residential course. At the time, a fresh start and a change of scenery seemed like the right thing, but my heart breaks for him. He seems to have quickly become overwhelmed by the course and spent all his time in his room. Attended few classes after the first term, made no friends. Dropped out without telling me, and just holed up in the university room.

I found out eventually because I hadn't been able to contact him for days and contacted the Univeristy welfare people. So, I brought him home and after a few weeks rest he started working at McDonalds, which he's been doing for a year.

He's a shadow of the young man who so determinedly applied for that apprenticeship. He's refused all offers of counselling. He did see GP but stopped taking the tablets while he was away and doesn't want to go back on them. He's been good at turning up regularly for work and appears to enjoy a job where the work's in front of him, he doesn't need to motivate himself iyswim. His school friends are all long gone (lost in lockdown) and he doesn't seem to have any at work.

Anyway he's starting to think applying for other jobs, but he's now almost 21 and his only successful employment since he was 16yo is a stint at McDonalds. How does he explain this away in applications?

I've no idea how to help him with any of his many issues 😪

Sorry you and your DS are going through this OP.

I don't think it's as negative as it seems. He may not have any additional qualifications from the first job but he can still put 3 years experience on his CV, that will explain where he has been spending his time.

Sadly, lots of young people go to Uni and then slip through the cracks- perhaps he could say something like 'successful Uni application although ultimately the course choice wasn't right'.
I know if I was interviewing someone who had suffered such a close bereavement I would have not been surprised if they had needed a break.

In terms of what he does next, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sticking at McDonalds until he is ready for the next step. Would he be interested in applying for management training with them? Or what about looking at A-levels or qualifications at eg. night school or Open University while he carries on working?

If possible, I would encourage any counselling available to him, it doesn't need to be straight after the bereavement to have benefits.

Good luck.

Why is he not considering doing A level or equivalent? Maybe a BTEC level 3 in something vocational?

That's what he was supposed to be doing on the apprenticeship. For now, he's decided further study is not for him. His confidence is completely broken.

So what kind of jobs is he applying for?

I don't think it will be as big a problem as you think, TBH. HR departments that hire unskilled staff in large numbers just want to see work ethic and he's shown that. He's held down a tiring job for a year. He can explain about his bereavement and university year as necessary, to explain the gap.

OFC if he's applying for jobs he isn't qualified to do, that's different.

Another tip would be to apply to large retailers and other employers who lean heavily on psychometric testing as the main recruitment tool (B&Q or John Lewis being prime examples). Hiring managers there will look at his scores first (and second) and then his work history.

It's not my sector, but hopefully others will be along.

He's just applying for a trainee train driver's job, which we're well aware will have huge competition.

Will he pass the medical for that? MH prescription but not taking the meds might be a concern. Also, will the training and qualification really be easier for him than the apprenticeship?

It's a difficult path to tread because you want him engaged but not set up to fail again.

Is he in the right head space to have another go at doing another apprenticeship?

Alrernatively, I'd recommend working for a charity. The charity sector are usually quite understanding and supportive - you can often start as a volunteer and then when a job comes up progress to paid employment. From there, you can go for other higher up roles. I know because I've done it.

What qualification was he working towards at 16 on the apprenticeship? I'm surprised at that age that he was on a 3 years plus apprenticeship, it seems really long for a 16 year old. Whatever the case I think you have to remember that he got 3 years work experience there which is a big deal - and was enough to impress a great uni. He realised uni wasn't right for him and so took on a temporary job while he figured out what he wanted to do. None of it seems like a disaster.

I think trainee train driver is a really competitive thing to get on. If it's really what he wants then I'd suggest he gets a foot in with a train company but taking a different role. He has customer service experience for example and also some engineering experience. I would manage his expectations with the train driver training and think about the sorts of things he wants to do and the different ways he could get there.

It was a level 4, 4 year apprenticeship culminating in a HND, but he should have done a level 3 Btec at the end of year 3. Yes he was probably too young, the other apprentices were older, one married with children! He was impressive at 16, it's devastating to see what's happened to him.

I don't think for a minute train driving is his life's dream, but he wants something that isn't desk work. He knows it will be competitive, but the fact that he's prepared to apply is progress. TBH my question was for future applications, if he's now in a place where he's considering it.

Train driving will be a number of the people applying's life dream I expect, I just don't want him to feel really down hearted if he doesn't get it! As you say the fact he wants to try is great progress but applying for jobs is often a bit of a numbers game and IME it's good to have several avenues on the go so you're not putting too many eggs in one basket.

I don't think there a problem with his CV for future applications, he can just put 3 years working as an apprentice for x company, one year doing a degree course and then full time work at Mcdonalds. He can put that he had a family bereavement that hit him hard and affected his career progress, he's taken some time out while working full time at Mcdonalds to decide what direction he wants to go in.

Good luck to him! He hasn't had an easy time of it. I hope he finds the right thing for him soon.

I am so sorry that this has happened and is happening to your family. I've name changed for a similar reason to you, because I wanted to share a story that's several years on from your son's to try and give you some hope.

I have a close family member whose parent died at 16 in traumatic circumstances. The years that followed were not identical to your son, but very similar - including a stint at university that ended in overwhelm and depression but no qualifications. It was awful and I felt so helpless and like I was failing him for not being able to make everything okay again for him.

We are a couple of decades on now, so some of the details are hazy but he tried a few different paths that didn't end as hoped, similar to your son. Then he signed up as a temp with an agency and did casual warehouse work. The type where it was day by day they'd phone in the morning if they needed someone. He was reliable and hardworking so eventually he was offered a permanent full time position. Definitely not his dream job but a job while he figured things out.

That warehouse job then developed further because he was able to use what he'd learned whilst studying previously to get involved in more interesting work (even though he didn't end up with qualifications) and made himself valuable to the business. He then transitioned out of the warehouse into the type of role much closer to what he originally might have set out to do before all the heartache.

I had plenty of sleepless nights and bereft moments about it all while he was going through the worst of it, but decades on he is in a good place. So please don't lose hope.

It takes time, but your son will gradually find a new way forward. I know this is the most frustrating, disappointing thing that people say after a traumatic bereavement, but it does take time. It's such an awful lot for such a young person to process and to find a way to carry the loss with them. Gradually, slowly it happens and as it does he will feel more able to explore options. Maybe one day he might want to revisit qualifications, but if he doesn't he can still have a good life.

Being practical, I agree with pp who said that they don't think his job history will be a problem:

he can just put 3 years working as an apprentice for x company, one year doing a degree course and then full time work at Mcdonalds. He can put that he had a family bereavement that hit him hard and affected his career progress, he's taken some time out while working full time at Mcdonalds to decide what direction he wants to go in

I might use the phrase "close family bereavement" (if he doesn't want to specify parental bereavement) to indicate more clearly that it was immediate family at a young age not a grandparent or distant relative and therefore why it had such a catastrophic effect.

That is a perfectly respectable and also bloody impressive work history and explanation. Any decent employer or recruiter won't have a problem with that history or explanation. Plenty of people will consider him admirable and courageous. They will see how much he has to offer.

I'm sorry that this is a bit of a waffley post, but I just wanted to try and offer you some hope from someone who's walked a sadly similar path.

My ds is on a 4 year one and started at 16