How to move forward

[RosstopherGeller]

I've got myself into a real mess and I would really like some advice on how to move forward. I'm quite fragile atm, so would appreciate if responses weren't too harsh.

My job is incredibly low level - I work nights stacking shelves in a supermarket. I took the job as my husband's business has been struggling (he's self-employed) as he's had some serious health issues on the back of Covid which saw a drop in work. We have 4 autistic children and juggling a job has always been hard.

I've never really fitted in, from the start colleagues were hostile - all going on break together and leaving me, snapping if I asked anything. My manager said I was too slow and would bring it up in front of others. It improved enough that I stayed on permanently, though the undercurrent that I'm fair game for the worst tasks remains.

I walked out in a huge dramatic stop last weekend after an incident that made me feel really humiliated. I went home and resigned on the work app. I then had a call from the deputy manager asking if I was OK, as it was unexpected from their pov. I cried a lot, it was arranged the branch manager would call a few days later and said I should contact our employee wellbeing.

Wellbeing were really nice and said I should look after myself basically, get notice withdrawn see GP and get signed off.

When I spoke to the Branch manager, he was basically saying that if I felt everyone treated me badly, then I was probably the problem with being too slow. It wasn't worded exactly like that, but it was heavy on what was I taking responsibility for. I did tell him I hadn't been taking my medication properly and he said I must go to the GP ASAP. My GP surgery gave me an immediate appointment and GP said I've had a breakdown and signed me off for 3 weeks with stress related disorder.

I sent to the Branch Manager and he rescinded my resignation and put it through and sent a nice message back. Which is great from my immediate financial situation.

But to get to the actual point(!), I don't know how to move forward from this. There's no alternative shifts I could work so I either go back to that team or quit. I guess maybe they could terminate me on capability grounds? I've only worked there 18 months, though the company policies on stuff are more generous than the statutory minimum.
I don't even know how I'd explain why I left my old job and 3 weeks sick is a lot. I'm 46, with not the best work history, and now it feels even the lowest level jobs are out of reach

That just sounds so tough! I don’t have immediate answers but hopefully others will.

Fingers crossed the other employees have had a reality check seeing the impact their actions have had on you so when you go back they will be more human.

You haven't mentioned what medication you weren't taking properly or if you had a pre-existing condition before this, so I can't factor that into my response. Bear with me if I have therefore misread the situation.

It sounds like you need more support. That could mean different things. You don't say if your GP has offered anything or just signed you off, so I'm going to mention a few things that come to my mind.

Firstly, you can always self-refer for a short course of CBT or counselling on the NHS. You don't have to go via the GP.

One other support option to consider is the Access to Work Mental Health Support Service. If you meet the eligibility you could receive up to 9 months of free work-related mental health support, coaching and guidance. This is delivered by Able Futures and Maximus on behalf of the DWP. Choose the one that's most suitable for you.

https://able-futures.co.uk/individuals

https://atw.maximusuk.co.uk/

Being signed off for 3 weeks isn't that long in the scheme of things. If it is because your employer has failed in its duty of care to you around managing risks of work-related stress, then your employer needs to risk assess and potentially take some actions. If bullying has occurred, it may not hurt to speak to Acas or Citizens Advice to get some clarity on the situation and where you stand.

If possible, I would always say it is easier to find a job whilst you already have a job. So don't make any more rash decisions. When interviewing, if asked about reason for wanting to leave, just focus on what attracted you to the new employer - frame your reason as being about something positive the new employer offers that attracts you, rather than talking about anything negative you were trying to escape at the old employer. This will be easier if you job hunt whilst still employed.

Forgive me if I am misinterpreting your remarks on this last point. You mentioned having four autistic children and then went on to describe struggles of your own that are commonly experienced by autistic adults in the workplace. Like I said before, I can't see that you've said the reason for the medication you take or disclosed your own diagnosis (and I am not asking you to tell me, it's not my business.)

If autism is part of the picture for you as well, the the National Autistic Society may be another useful point of contact for you in terms of how to move forward as they also have various employment support services. They ran some employment support webinar sessions in small groups last year about managing stress at work as well as navigating unwritten rules of the workplace. I wonder if you might find support in those areas helpful.

They also have have services that are more practical, so if you think this might be relevant to you I would encourage you to get in touch with them to explore whether there is anything they offer that would be relevant to you.

Some links if you think NAS might be relevant or useful:

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/employment

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment/support-at-work/autistic-adults

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment

I don’t have any advice OP other than it sounds like you’ve had a tough time. You may well find your colleagues are nicer now they’ve had a reality check.

@ditzzy @dreamfield @Pearsplums thanks for your kind messages

dreamfield, just to explain further (I know you said I didn't need to), I am prescribed levothyroxine for underactive thyroid and setraline for anxiety. Most recently was October but I've been on and off antidepressants etc for years and years. I've tried various counselling over the years too, with negligible progress. I just end up pretending I've made a breakthrough when I haven't, as I feel guilty the counselling/CBT etc is ineffective.

GP will see me in a couple of weeks, I also need to get updated blood tests as my thyroid probably out of whack because of poor compliance.
I do think I probably meet threshold to be diagnosed ASD & ADHD but I've heard the waiting list for adults is huge in my area. I'll have a look at those NAS resources and see what I can access as an undiagnosed person.

I should also add that my company was aware of my medical conditions and I've got an occupational health assessment on file, which I think is what has protected me against them processing my resignation.

Any advice on what I can say when the branch manager calls me next week? He's nice in writing, but not on the phone. He was big on resilience and me taking responsibility for things

Any advice on what I can say when the branch manager calls me next week? He's nice in writing, but not on the phone. He was big on resilience and me taking responsibility for things

From a business point of view it's fairly transparent why he's doing that. He's trying to manage the risk of an employment tribunal claim for the business.

If you are feeling pressured to take all the blame (responsibility) for a situation that has at least partially arisen because of your employer's failure(s), I think it would be useful to speak to Acas before the next conversation with him and get their take on how you might handle it.

My personal view is that "taking responsibility" is a two-way street. You've taken responsibility by doing all the right things to get yourself help, and you have helped the business by making them aware of the issues with team behaviour on your shift, now you need to hear how they are going to take responsibility for their obligations to you.

However, it's phrasing it in a less confrontational way, which I'm not sure about off the top of my head. Somebody else might have a suggestion, but I do think it is worth a call to Acas to see what they have to say.

the undercurrent that I'm fair game for the worst tasks remains

This is a work problem, not a "you" problem.

I've tried various counselling over the years too, with negligible progress. I just end up pretending I've made a breakthrough when I haven't, as I feel guilty the counselling/CBT etc is ineffective.

I wanted to reply to this separately as this is more life-in-general rather than your current specific work problem.

I understand why you might feel some social pressure to pretend an intervention has helped when it hasn't, but if you do that then there is no impetus for them to consider why it hasn't helped or referring you for more appropriate support. They can't go away and have the discussion with their manager about what services to refer you to instead if they think the CBT has been effective for you.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty because you haven't harmed anyone. Guilt is not a useful emotion for you to be carrying in this scenario. The system should feel guilty for not providing the right support at the right time and for not picking up that the real source of your difficulties was something different that needed a different approach.

In my experience, people who go through multiple rounds of CBT/counselling without it helping them are the people where it is the wrong intervention. For instance, where they have ASD and they're being referred for some sticking plaster CBT for the anxiety or low self-esteem that's arisen due to the impact of undiagnosed and unsupported ASD. Unsurprisingly, sticking plasters don't resolve the underlying cause of the anxiety and therefore the anxiety continues.

You seem very quick to blame yourself for things that aren't your responsibility or your fault. I don't think that's fair to you. Inevitably some things in life will be our responsibility and our fault, but many others will be someone else's responsibility or completely beyond anyone's power to control. You don't deserve to blame yourself for every bad thing that happens in your life.

For what it's worth, I think it shows real strength and courage to turn around a difficult probationary period and then to stick with a job that has clearly been pretty tough for 18 months. Never mind whilst dealing with everything else you have going on personally. Give yourself some credit for that please.

Speaking as someone who has done nights and has a Dh who is doing nights - nights are tough mentally and physically! So well done for giving it a go.

Your colleagues are clicky and there isn’t anything you are going to do to change that. They are also arse holes which may have had a wake up call from your branch manager. (Who does sound like they are caring). However, your co workers clearly have issues - so remember that they are their issues, not yours. Everyone works at different paces, so long as you get your job done correctly in the time allowed, then that’s all you need to do. Night shift people are ‘unique’ to put it kindly and nothing will change their attitude and views on life. It’s really not you it is a them problem.

I would go back in, think of the money and carry on. Don’t say anything about recent events, just say hello and carry on. You can do this!

Nights are tough on your body, make sure you get enough quality sleep and drink lots of fluids. Not doing so makes everything a lot harder to work through, and you don’t need that.

dreamfield
I'll give ACAS a call on Monday to see what they suggest. I assume as I'm under 2 years service I wouldn't have any grounds, I guess possibly disability as they were aware of my conditions.

I had CBT and was put forward for further counselling. It was helpful to a degree of core beliefs, but not for how to actually change them. Nor for ruminating which I now understand is very common for ND people. He just told me to stop doing it.

Thanks for the kind words, I feel I've been doing a poor job all round, but I think I've been unwell for a while and just not noticed. Having good work attendance was the one thing that set me apart from my colleagues, (very high sickness on our shift rotation), but I just have to admit to defeat on that one.

Alphabet1spaghetti2
I don't think the Branch Manager will want to do anything, as the others are more valuable than me. But the company overall is very sensitive on image over wellbeing, and being a different kind of organisation to competitors. So I think that's what is currently protecting me.

You're definitely right that nights attract an odd bunch of people! I guess no surprise the relationships can be tricky. I've got this weird "friendship" situation with 1 person, who was really horrible but mellowed and we spend all breaks together, and chat etc. She's probably equal weakness to me, and she's the worst offender of setting me up for failure on stuff. It feels ridiculous and no one would believe it. She's not contacted me since I left (the only one I've swapped numbers with) and it's really her most of all I couldn't face again.

Thanks again for all the replies, it's helped me collect my thoughts

To update, I returned to work after 5 weeks off on a phased return supported by occupational health. I've now cut my contracted days and hours back. Although it's a drop in pay, I just couldn't maintain what I was doing. My immediate manager has been really supportive and I've had training on tasks that will take me off the shopfloor replenishment for spells, which I'm really pleased about. The senior management approved my contractual hours changes really quickly (this can take months usually).

My GP has been great too. My medication has been upped and I've been referred for an ASD assessment.

I want to thank everyone who replied as I was so low and defeated when I wrote my OP.

Oh that’s so lovely to read! A positive outcome for you. Keep going forward and best wishes for your future.

I had 1 bad shift and I've been put on a Capability Improvement Plan. It's really dropped my mood through the floor. Realistically I know I have to resign but I'm literally unemployable now. A failed shelf-stacker. Im going to try and apply for PIP but I know it's unlikely to be successful.

I was definitely too open in discussing my feelings with them and it's been completely used against me. So I thought I'd update as a cautionary tale

Hi OP,

How are things now for you? Accept some time has passed.

Did you do anything with access to work? (mentioned by dreamfield)

@RebelliousHoping I managed to fight off being put on the capability plan (they'd not followed procedure) and I'm still there. I am desperately looking for another job because the bottom line is I'm just not suitable for it; I'm just too unfit and slow. They could easily put me on a capability plan and I have a feeling that will happen if I stay much longer.

Unfortunately I don't have much going for me in trying to get another job, my work history is off-putting as i job-hopped a lot pre-DC (rarely stayed longer than 2 years) and only worked sporadically after them (19 years). I really need a part time remote job, but my skills are way out of date. I've completed one online course in Canva to try and make myself more employable, but time and energy to do more is a real issue for me.

I didn't pursue the PIP either, and failed to send off my autism assessment form. Perhaps admin jobs aren't a good idea for me either(!)

Ah bless you, many hugs I understand.

Please do not let having lots of jobs as a history deter you, honestly from a job hopper for around nearly 10 years, prior to reaching my 40’s, spin the positive of being Mum, seeing different workplaces.

Really hope you land a better job soon 🤞🌈 absolutely rooting for you x

We had something not dissimilar - the only difference is that it is my DH taking the low paid jobs because my business has taken a hit. He ended up stacking shelves in a supermarket with a toxic team atmosphere.

I say the very same to you as I said to him. And this is based on ny own long history of MH issues. You are in no position to worry about the future. Your frame of mind is negative bexause you aren't well and you are seeking out more things to worry about than is necessary. Your brain is sabotaging you, forcing you to find as many things to worry about as it can. You can resist this - tell your thoughts about the future to bugger right off. Just concentrate on the here and now, and start to appreciate that this burden has been lifted.

It isn't even a worthwhile thing to worry about. No one thinks that shelf stacking at night is a fulfilling or engaging job - even without the team issues. You say to anyone "I did shelf stacking for 18 months to support the family" and you will get a tick for resilience - job done!

The great positive in this is that your employers are being great. They are doing all the right things - not just saying the right things. You should be feeling supported right now. They are taking care of you, and you should try to allow this to make you concentrate on feeling a little better.

What happened with my husband is that he had a while more without a job. He wasn't doing great and we've just made do. And then he started finding much more suitable jobs - work that's hard work still, but that is making him feel good. His work now is additive, and not draining his lifeblood. And could we have predicted what it would be when he walked out of his shelf stacking job? Absolutely not. Any thinking he may have done at the time was useless because the future was a mile off anything he could have imagined.

Just try to remember that when our mental health collapses, we cannot miraculously carve sensible thoughts out of the muddle in our heads. If you are struggling with the life right in front of you, you cannot expect to be able to think clearly about the future. So don't. One foot in front of the other will help you to feel better quicker.

Finally, intelligence has nothing to do with an awful lot of jobs, it is more about aptitude and we just can't be good at everything. I'd be the slowest shelf stacker too - I'm pathetically weak, plus latent, controlled OCD would be triggered trying to make it look perfect. I shudder at the thought, because I actually notice particularly carefully ordered aisles when I shop! You're not useless or unemployable - just not suited to the work. There is no job I can name that anyone and everyone can be good at - it is wrong to think there is. You've simply learned what to avoid next time, which is always valuable information.

Be kinder to yourself, just as your employer has been kind, and push away those thoughts of your future. They are fruitless and not necessary - not right now. It is one day at a time until you feel stronger.