Negotiating family travel.

[MoaningMeowing]

I feel I need to included a little back ground:

DH is very family oriented. He takes a lot of pride in his work, always over a beyond but family always first. He’s extremely well regarded in his field. Often asked to be guest speaker/do sessions at conferences level. While it’s had many offers of ‘chats’/head hunted for the corporate world he has never been interested to leave the charity he’s passionate for. I get it, it’s a nice place to work, surrounded by great people.

He’s now seriously considering a role he’s been head hunted for. Considerable salary increase and some nice perks (more wfh etc). They have said that it involves International travel, which is the stumbling block as DH hates to be away from us. He asked if we would be able to travel with him at his own expense and they’ve said absolutely. His potential new boss seems seriously keen to get DH onboard, while DH hasn’t formally interviewed/had an actual offer, his boss did say that the salary would be ‘at least’ £xx,xxx, open to negotiation’.

DH isn’t sure how much international travel would be involved, or how long those durations would be of those trips, just that he would be travelling across four continents a year. He wanted to pull out as he doesn’t want to be away, but since I’ve offered to travel with him he’s still interested. While it’s a considerable increase in salary, I’m not sure how many long haul flights we can afford.

I also used to work in the charity sector, and not really familiar in this negotiation phase either.

I’m not sure what part you’re negotiating? He’s already asked if family can travel with him and been told yes hasn’t he?

He could ask for a certain number of trips to be contractually allowed to take you at the company cost. Its not unheard of at senior exec level. Also if he travels alot, there could be airmiles to save and use.

If you're wanting to travel with him, I'd negotiate that the company will pay for xx trips a year for family to join him. That's better that negotiating more pay as he'll only be paying more tax! I wouldn't see travel with him at your expense as a perk - everywhere I've worked, partners/family can travel with you but at your own expense. But I guess that's if you could go with him, what about your own job? And kid's school?

It's fair enough when weighing up whether to take a role or not to ask how many international trips will be involved per year and their approximate duration. After all, there is a big difference between one per quarter and two per month. And how frequent they are will have a serious bearing on whether you and your DC will be able to schlep all over the globe to follow him, since business travel doesn't tend to adhere to the school holiday calendar!

As to the not wanting to travel without his family, well that's very sweet, but he should probably keep quiet about that as it sounds a bit wet! But it would be okay to turn down the role if the travel is more frequent than is really practicable for your family. My DH has had roles in the past that involved A LOT of overseas travel - like weekly or bi-weekly - and it's exhausting and at times very inconvenient. For instance, if I had had a job as well, it would have made our lives extremely difficult (I'm a SAHM, so we've been able to make it work).

The other thing I would say about the idea of you joining him on business trips is that business trips tend to be very busy and you're unlikely to be able to spend much time as a family - they are called 'business trips' for a reason! My DH will often fly to say Frankfurt in the morning, have two meetings, a dinner with clients, back to the hotel late, then more meetings starting at 9am, catch the train to Dusseldorf for more meetings, another client dinner, then up early the next day for a flight to Warsaw ... you get the idea.

My Husband travels for work and I have been on one trip with him. Bored to tears. One lovely meal out and lots of waiting around. We met him on another occasion with the kids and we had a slightly better time but honestly it’s not something we build into our family life. DH will fly to Amsterdam have 3 meetings then train to Brussels and have another meeting and then back to London/home countries.

I would not choose this job on this basis as it simply won’t work. However it sounds like it’s a fantastic opportunity and something worth exploring and maybe adjusting to?

DH has jobs with a lot of travel. Very occasionally I will go with and even more rarely the dc.
Usually if we are going it would be at the end of a conference held at Disney for example, so we fly out separately and join him while he finishes the work part of his trip.
Most business trips are full of meetings, events and networking over the whole travel period. You would get a free hotel room but basically have to entertain yourself and the dc while he works in the day and does work social events in the evening.

It sounds like he needs a detailed chat about what's actually involved, a proper interview to see if he and they are suited, the enhanced pay that's already been flagged to him as negotiable would presumably factor in this added cost, if you have a good idea of what's involved. Someone already suggested it may save tax if he had agreement they would cover x amounts of flights as an alternative, Though that may be a benefit in kind so you'd need to get proper tax advice. only when he has all the information both of you can assess if it is workable.

They may already have some experience of this -as within my company flights over 7 hours long for work as usually booked business class, but you can have 2 economy flights to cover same journey if bringing spouse or a child, sharing hotel rooms is no issue and daily amount allowed for meals that's enough to cover family friendly dining. A friend works in a huge international known brand company, where all air miles collected for a department are split between all staff, so often her husband travels for free on air miles, again her company covers meals within the hotel they are staying. I used to have a friend working for an oil company , when he was travelling and working in countries you perhaps wouldn't want to bring a spouse to, his company used to allow him fly somewhere on way home where wife and family could join for a few days at the companies cost. they were very flexible too over work schedules over school holidays to make sure he maximised time at home when kids were off. So different companies do different things.

Honestly I think it sounds really odd that someone can't be away for a short period for work...
It's not sweet or being family focused, it sounds more like some form of control.
Does your dh mind if you want to go off and do something on your own for example? I'd hazard he doesn't...
I'm amazed the company are still interested, both myself, my dexh, his partner and my dp all have jobs with international travel...never have I seen someone or have any of us taken a trailing spouse along...as everyone has said it's work time and mostly companies expect their pound of flesh ..there is definitely very little downtime and it would be an absolute no go to say not go to the organized dinner because your family were with you...

You don't say if there are children although you use 'us' - what if he has to travel in term time? Do you plan to pull your children from school (it won't be authorised so likely to be fines involved)? As PPs have said travelling with someone who is working is not fun - they are working so can't be thinking about their family so you will have to amuse yourself and your children for a lot of the time (including dinners if he's got dinners with colleagues or clients). It all sounds a bit wimpy and slightly creepy to me..... (Sorry if that offends anyone.)

What do you want to negotiate?

Thanks all. I’ve had a bit of thinking time since I first posted earlier on.

Just to answer a couple of questions as some overlapped:

• I was asking for advice on DH negotiating for some of my travel costs to either be a perk/subsidised. I’ve had a little look online and it is a taxable perk (which figures). I guess it means if he got an extra, say, £5-10K, (if we earmarked that as my ticket money) on top of the original starting figure that would be taxed the same as if the company would expense my travel - obviously once we work out how often/if it’s an option.

• Now reading this thread I feel bad on DH. He’s more than happy in the role he has and the place he works. If it wasn’t for the considerable increase he wouldn’t even entertain the idea. I know he’s doing this for us.
• As I mentioned above he hates staying away from us/home. As PP said, he is wet behind the ears but it’s just him. He definitely has some trauma from being sent away to boarding school at 11 and 13 - never lasting a year as he hated it. He’s got it firmly in his head that he doesn’t like being away from home. He’ll stay the bare minimum at any social event if he’s away from me/us. He’d rather get home at 2am and then drive back the following morning than stay overnight. It sounds nuts/suffocating but he doesn’t control me, just extremely happy/appreciative when I walk through the door.
• funny enough I’m the complete opposite. More than happy in my own company, very independent, and prefer exploring than being ‘in’. Probably outing myself in this post but I have done a lot of solo backpacking, lived in various countries and used to travel for work too. I honestly love exploring new places. I’d rather visit a thimble museum than stay in any day. To me having 14 hours to ‘kill’ somewhere new is perfect.
• DC is a baby. We’ve accompanied DH on U.K. trips which has been fine but we haven’t been on a long haul flight yet. I know babies are easier than toddlers so I know that I might rather cut off my own leg than take a toddler on a long haul flight/spend the days admiring new architecture. Actually, unless DH would be able to take AL/working away for at least a week I may not want to be travelling LH at all.

Basically the crunch is this: This is the perfect opportunity for DH, it ticks every box for him, the project excites him which he hasn’t had for a while, they’ve been trying to poach him for years. The bottom line is, he won’t take this role if we’re not staying overnight with him. It doesn’t matter how much they’re paying, if we’re not there, he isn’t either.

I guess I’ve answered my own query really. He needs to throughly understand the travel aspect and maybe they need to understand his stance. If we can’t make it work it’s not the end of the world.

It sounds like quite severe separation anxiety rather than a preference to have family close.
If he isn't able to overnight by himself then I really wouldn't think a job with traveling is going to work for him.
It might be well worth his while to have therapy for this issue so he is able to make the most of his opportunities.

If he cannot or will not stay away for a single night unless you are there...he needs counseling.
How on earth is this going to work when your dc is at school?
And don't you have a job too ? Are you really willing to use your annual leave to go places not of your choosing, dragging along a toddler or pre schooler, who you will then have to entertain on your own in a place that might not be child friendly... including maybe evenings on your own in a hotel room with said child, while your dh is working.
I think he / you need to have. Tough talk...he either gets a grip or doesn't take the job

He needs to seek counselling for his separation anxiety and any issues arising from his experiences at boarding school.

It is not normal behaviour to expect your partner and baby to travel with you on a work trip because you can't be away from them for a short time. It wont be very nice for you and the baby either - long haul flights and jet lag are no fun especially with a baby and if you're only staying a day or 2.

He needs to seek treatment and support so he can be away on his own. Or I'd be telling him not to take the job because he won't be able to do the travel aspect of it.

Do you work?

I don’t understand how you can possibly work and the lm be able to fly at the drop of a hat with him. DH gets meetings booked in sometimes the day or two before. Sometimes added on at the end another meeting.

He needs counselling.

OP, is it a non-profit or a for-profit organisation?
If the former (eg public sector, charity, international organisation like the UN) then they absolutely cannot offer to pay for family members to go on work trips. And frankly even if you pay for yourself it’s bad optics for the org and other staff. In the IO I’ve worked for even adding on a day personal leave to a foreign trip for tourism purposes is seen as unethical because the staff member is benefitting at the organisations expense (eg having a personal day of tourism without paying for the flights themselves)

However if it’s a for-profit or corporate org it may be different although optics of having family in tow without it being essential (eg for breastfeeding or childcare) aren’t great.

Agree with others that your DH needs counselling to overcome his considerable separation anxiety. Also if he turns down this job is it likely he’ll get similar offers in years to come? Ie in 5 years after he’s done some work on his confidence and independence?