I'm a lawyer in a specialist corporate area. I'm 6 years post qualification on paper, although have two children (4 and 2) so have taken 6 months and then 12 months as maternity leave during that time. I'm in my late 30s.
I don't really like my area of specialism and in fact, when I found out I was pregnant for the first time I was speaking to recruiters about jobs in different areas of law. Obviously when I found out I was pregnant I decided to stay put. That was five years ago now.
I've been back from my second mat leave for a year and I've kind of rubbed along but I'm just not progressing like I should be at work. I work 4 days a week, I try and work around bedtimes and childcare pickups, it sometimes works and sometimes doesn't and overall I feel like both a mediocre mum and a mediocre lawyer, most of the time. I'm not inspired by my work and I don't feel like I have the time or energy to do all the necessary extra stuff I'd need to, in order to go for the next promotion up or get on the track to partner level. I'm closing in on 40 and still feel pretty "junior" at my job, which is depressing.
These feelings have all come to a head recently and I successfully applied for another job in the public sector which I think I would have loved. The interview went really, really well and I felt a real rapport with the people interviewing me. However, like a complete idiot I got cold feet and pulled out a few days after initially accepting the offer. My reasons at the time were that it would have been a pay cut (but we could have afforded it especially in exchange for better hours), and would have involved a 90 minute commute (but only once a week and the rest WFH), and also that it was a bit different from what I'm doing now which I thought might be too hard to get used to, especially with my eldest starting school in September and needing me to be present for him. The latter is probably the real reason I pulled out.
I don't know what is wrong with me to be honest. I have really outstanding qualifications and academics and have always done really well and got glowing appraisals in any job I've had, until I came back from my most recent maternity leave. I didn't ever imagine finding myself in this situation where I'd lose confidence in my professional and intellectual skills and be wracked with "mum guilt" but it seems here I am.
Has anyone been here? Did anything help, and did you feel your career got back on track after children? I was wondering about some kind of coaching or counselling; any recommendations?