Getting back to work?

[Remo22]

When would you not feel guilty about leaving your baby either in day care or with some inexpensive else?

When they are one?
Two?
Will it ever happen

I got so extremely anxious that i could not get back to my job (i work as a doctor) and extending my leave for over a year will affect my job, but am sure most people will agree that caring for your baby is more important than your career progression..

Do what you want to do, no one can advise. My first was a very demanding baby and hard to look after 24/7. I went back after a year and I was so ready. He went to nursery 3 days a week and has absolutely thrived! They do things with him that I would never be able to, and he's learnt things that I wouldn't have from me. My mental health improved being back at work, and therefore our days together were better and more wholesome. I'm currently on mat leave with no2 and he already seems more chilled, so I may end up using a years worth of holiday to extend mat leave as long as I can, as this baby is defo my last.

However no judgement on those ladies who stay at home longer, you have my respect - I found being a SAHM harder. Therefore my advice is do what works for you, everyone (mums and babies) are different, including circumstances, so no one can advise what is best for you.

Avoiding difficult emotions makes them worse - if you avoid something that makes you anxious then it just becomes bigger and scarier.

You need strategies to manage your feelings. You can't spend the rest of your life feeling guilty about things where guilt is totally unjustified.

Basing decisions on avoiding difficult emotions is a recipe for bad decisions. Whatever the topic.

I went back to work when DD was three BUT I didn't have a career to go back to and had tried to get into work beforehand but even the staff at the job centre just said stay at home and enjoy your baby. It was when Sure start existed and there were no end of baby groups etc which we went to every day so she was well socialised.

As you are a Doctor is it possible to go part-time or as Bank staff or similar if going full-time isn't attractive and you can manage it?

I went back when my baby was 3 months old. I didn’t feel any guilt. I was self employed and needed to keep my business afloat. I also hated maternity leave and going back to work saved my mental health.

You have many valid points indeed.
I was told by my mother that i was not so demanding as a baby unlike my son he needs to be cared for almost all the time, even hates sleeping in a room alone.

I believe after six years i would be more relaxed and ready to get back to work.

The point regarding nursery's activities, YES i needs that, since i never had interactions with any babies almost my whole life therefore sometimes i feel blank about how can i improve his development.

Thank you so much for being open minded

And being SAHM is definitely harder than the hardest shifts ever😹💪

@Cindy1802 see my previous post i was replying to you but since am new to the app I don't know how to edit a comment 😂

I believe i would be in a much better mental state if i get back to work
@Springissprungingg
I can cut off my leave whenever suitable so i will think about it

@Singleandproud
In My homelands culture (Egypt), all of my family members are pushing me towards having the first year for the both of us off to avoid leaving him in nurseries

I can get back to private practice which is easier to manage schedule wise
But i need to not feel guilty about it

Do you feel me?

I completely agree
And I realize that this is not normal

That is not my usual mentality
I have to get back to work even if its not in the medical field

Everyone is different.

I've never felt guilty. I picked good childcare and going to work was the right thing for us.

I found that I worried more about other people sticking their nose in than the actual choice about going back to work.

And no I don’t think that I rank caring for a baby over career progression. To even rank them at all seems, frankly, daft. I can’t collapse any choice onto a single “important” scale. Different factors matter for different people.

What specifically are you worried about?

I was a sahp for years, dh worked away and me working full time just did not fit the needs of our family. I then went part time and now am full time. I have ended up in a job I love. It worked out for us but everyone is different and you do what is right for you. Reflecting on it I do wish I had gone back earlier but lack of after school care and cost of child care etc made it difficult.

I stayed off work for best part of 10 years as a SAHM and went back PT, school hours only when the kids started primary school.. It's been great and I've enjoyed it.

I wouldn't have wanted to leave my child with a stranger either. However if id trained for years to be a doctor I might have felt differently.

I totally agree
Before delivering i felt that i would be this type of mom

Some how i wasn't
Maybe i will be in my second baby 😂

@WannabeMathematician

I don't know why but I don't tryst people easily
So i find it very difficult to leave my only baby with a stranger even if its a well known certified child care

I also am scared of infections from other kids and the workers as well

Plus
The first three years of a child's life are very crucial for his /her development and personality, I don't want messing this up in any way

I went back when DD was 9mo. Had a great nursery and help from grandparents. I feel that DD flourished at nursery and she loved going. I saved and then have taken the last year off, DD is now 5 and I have found it much more beneficial for us all for me to be at home whilst she started school, I have loved being able to do all the pick ups and drops offs, spending the holidays with her and doing lots of activities I will have to go back part time in September but I think she has gained more with me being at home now rather than when she was a baby. This has worked well for us.

That is my major issue
I have been building this for years and if i take a leave of more than two years total i will have to repeat my gastroenterology residency 🥲
But baby deserves the best for sure

He is was too attached to me

@Gonetothewind

I Feel you,
I believe no matter how kind and helpful the carer is, no one can replace a mother's influence and impact on their children

And since med careers you almost always take shifts during vacations and holidays

So i enjoy having the first year without either studying for an exam nor working a night shift 🥲

I’m worried about that last comment. That’s not a normal amount of pressure to put on yourself.

You need to see someone about your anxiety because what you are expressing isn't within 'normal' boundaries.

From 18 months I'd say toddlers need the social stimulation of other children and nursery. They can have experiences no sahm can replicate.

Did you not think of this pre dc? Or when you were in med school?

Most doctors use Nanny's anyway Ime.

@cordeliachaseatemyhandbag

I know it isn't within normal
I realize how anxiety's affecting my mentality
And i know very well that the phase of PPD that I experienced worsened my anxiety

You are absolutely correct about nurseries widening a child's perspective and social intelligence

Tbh no I didn't think of anything post delivery, not even the extended mat leave..

but am sure most people will agree that caring for your baby is more important than your career progression..

It depends, if being at home is going to leave you feeling lonely, stressed and bored (so much drudgery with small children), it would be more important to protect your mental health and work may be part of that. If being at work is going to leave you feeling pressured and over stretched - and you can afford to stay home - that might be the better option.

It’s not a decision anyone can make for you. I’ve always worked, part time for a while, but my profession is an important part of my identity. Being at home full time was just too much, so I worked. Someone else may have made a different decision and that’s fine too.