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Original poster

Dealing with aftermath

15 replies

Tooshyshy123 · 02/04/2024 08:57

Hi, a few weeks ago I posted about some colleagues who were bad mouthing me and spreading gossip, accusing me of things that I had not said or done etc.
Informally, hr and mediation stepped in and my line manager and several colleagues were spoken to and some given informal warnings. I was cleared of any accusations and my line manager eventually gave me a half hearted apology.
After taking a few days off I'm back at work but I am just so angry over what happened. I can't get over it, iam constantly replaying the events in my head and turning over little details that happened. I'm not sleeping and my head and stomach are constantly churning over this.
I have seen my main accuser several times since everything happened and he is still off with me and refuses to acknowledge that he has done anything wrong. How do I get over this and move on? I won't change jobs as I worked hard to get here but I need to stop obsessing over what happened. I'm angry and upset and feel like it has ruined my once happy life..I need ways to just get on with things

OP posts:
Propertylover · 02/04/2024 19:38

Counselling - it helps you get rid of the justifiable anger and move on. Writing it all down then burning it is another option.

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 02/04/2024 20:15

Propertylover · 02/04/2024 19:38

Counselling - it helps you get rid of the justifiable anger and move on. Writing it all down then burning it is another option.

Thank you, those are great suggestions and I will give them a go xx

OP posts:
Allwelcone · 02/04/2024 20:28

I had this from a previous job. I spent a year "getting through" hideous bullying management but found, strangely, it was when it was noticed and acted on/sorted, THAT'S when I felt worse than ever.
I think it's human nature to fire-fight and put your emotions on hold when you need it most. When the threat is gone, that's when you allow yourself to really feel.

I left coz it was a crap job anyway but it has dented my well being. I found I just couldn't meet up with a friendly ex-collegue as she reminded me too much of that horrible time, I just ghosted her rudely. I also feel paranoid at my new job that a certain colleague is taking credit for my work etc. I do think time will heal it though OP.

Would your HR fund some counselling? Or try the NHS and ask HR for time off to attend the sessions.

TeenLifeMum · 02/04/2024 20:31

Does your hr team run restorative justice type sessions where you can express to those involved in a safe space how they’ve impacted you. Might give you closure.

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 02/04/2024 21:27

Allwelcone · 02/04/2024 20:28

I had this from a previous job. I spent a year "getting through" hideous bullying management but found, strangely, it was when it was noticed and acted on/sorted, THAT'S when I felt worse than ever.
I think it's human nature to fire-fight and put your emotions on hold when you need it most. When the threat is gone, that's when you allow yourself to really feel.

I left coz it was a crap job anyway but it has dented my well being. I found I just couldn't meet up with a friendly ex-collegue as she reminded me too much of that horrible time, I just ghosted her rudely. I also feel paranoid at my new job that a certain colleague is taking credit for my work etc. I do think time will heal it though OP.

Would your HR fund some counselling? Or try the NHS and ask HR for time off to attend the sessions.

Thank you so much. I think you're right, I was on such high alert and stress related adrenalin for months when trying to deal with this that now its over I'm exhausted and all my negative, angry emotions have come out. I am determined to stay in this job and I'll definitely speak to hr again. I also am being 'off' with some great colleagues as my trust levels are nil and I feel I can't deal with anyone anymore and just want to do my job and go home xx

OP posts:
tomorrowisanotherdate · 02/04/2024 21:29

ask your employer to fund counselling. Formal request through HR

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 02/04/2024 21:30

TeenLifeMum · 02/04/2024 20:31

Does your hr team run restorative justice type sessions where you can express to those involved in a safe space how they’ve impacted you. Might give you closure.

I'm not sure but I will definitely ask, thank you its a great suggestion. I think part of my anger is that I feel so badly done to ...I was completely innocent and people tried to ruin my career and work relationships. I'm still strughling to get my head round it all so I think it's why I'm going through all the little details over and over again in my head and not getting any peace or rest xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 02/04/2024 21:32

tomorrowisanotherdate · 02/04/2024 21:29

ask your employer to fund counselling. Formal request through HR

Thank you for the suggestion, I will definitely look into this xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 02/04/2024 21:34

Allwelcone · 02/04/2024 20:28

I had this from a previous job. I spent a year "getting through" hideous bullying management but found, strangely, it was when it was noticed and acted on/sorted, THAT'S when I felt worse than ever.
I think it's human nature to fire-fight and put your emotions on hold when you need it most. When the threat is gone, that's when you allow yourself to really feel.

I left coz it was a crap job anyway but it has dented my well being. I found I just couldn't meet up with a friendly ex-collegue as she reminded me too much of that horrible time, I just ghosted her rudely. I also feel paranoid at my new job that a certain colleague is taking credit for my work etc. I do think time will heal it though OP.

Would your HR fund some counselling? Or try the NHS and ask HR for time off to attend the sessions.

P.s I hope you are ok by the way xx

OP posts:
Allwelcone · 02/04/2024 21:37

Also tlc for yourself big tiiiiime. Ramp up the self care out of work whether it's meeting friends, hobbies, a break away, soaks in the bath, hair and nail appointments, massages, eating well, small treats - whatever it takes!

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 02/04/2024 21:45

Allwelcone · 02/04/2024 21:37

Also tlc for yourself big tiiiiime. Ramp up the self care out of work whether it's meeting friends, hobbies, a break away, soaks in the bath, hair and nail appointments, massages, eating well, small treats - whatever it takes!

Thank you, its definitely a good excuse to treat myself....I will look into what I fancy xx

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 02/04/2024 22:46

I’m a year on from a bullying situation at work. We all went through consultation and had to go through interviews etc as 2 teams merged. Two of the larger team felt threatened by me so spread lies about me. The director believed them and I was isolated and ill from it. I did apply for a couple of jobs but didn’t get them (great feedback that reminded me I do know my job). We’re through the other side and I kept calm composure throughout (publicly - cried until I vomitted at home! Dh is my hero). Now, I’ve proven myself and the rest of the team has seen the lies for what they were they have really brought me through it.

I have got through knowing I have strong values and never dropped to their level.

You can get through this op! It’s them not you.

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 03/04/2024 06:49

TeenLifeMum · 02/04/2024 22:46

I’m a year on from a bullying situation at work. We all went through consultation and had to go through interviews etc as 2 teams merged. Two of the larger team felt threatened by me so spread lies about me. The director believed them and I was isolated and ill from it. I did apply for a couple of jobs but didn’t get them (great feedback that reminded me I do know my job). We’re through the other side and I kept calm composure throughout (publicly - cried until I vomitted at home! Dh is my hero). Now, I’ve proven myself and the rest of the team has seen the lies for what they were they have really brought me through it.

I have got through knowing I have strong values and never dropped to their level.

You can get through this op! It’s them not you.

Thank you so much. Your situation sounded awful and I'm glad you got through it. My family and friends have been my lifeline and I'm not sure where I would be without them. You're right, I will get through this and all the help received from here has really been great too xx

OP posts:
saffronflower · 03/04/2024 06:59

Revision. It's a law of attraction technique but you dont have to subscribe to that for it to work. You lie down at home in a comfortable place, do some deep breathing and get into a relaxed state. Then, imagine the situations which bring up the most distress. Then you go back and you "revise" the event in your mind to go how you want it to go- imagine the most perfect outcome that could have happened in each scenario. Imagine them as if it were 100% real- use all 5 senses, what you can see, hear, touch, feel, taste etc

Eg, you could imagine them apologising to you and telling you they were wrong and that they should never have said/done those things.

Your subconscious cannot distinguish between imagined and real scenarios so by doing this you kind of put to bed the visceral emotions that you cannot discharge because they are from the subconscious part of the brain that produces fight or flight. It sounds crazy but it really works. You may have to do it a few times. If you add EMDR to that too (loads of you tube videos on this) it will help immensely. I revise all unpleasant/unwanted interactions at the end of each day. It has made a huge difference.

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 03/04/2024 07:15

saffronflower · 03/04/2024 06:59

Revision. It's a law of attraction technique but you dont have to subscribe to that for it to work. You lie down at home in a comfortable place, do some deep breathing and get into a relaxed state. Then, imagine the situations which bring up the most distress. Then you go back and you "revise" the event in your mind to go how you want it to go- imagine the most perfect outcome that could have happened in each scenario. Imagine them as if it were 100% real- use all 5 senses, what you can see, hear, touch, feel, taste etc

Eg, you could imagine them apologising to you and telling you they were wrong and that they should never have said/done those things.

Your subconscious cannot distinguish between imagined and real scenarios so by doing this you kind of put to bed the visceral emotions that you cannot discharge because they are from the subconscious part of the brain that produces fight or flight. It sounds crazy but it really works. You may have to do it a few times. If you add EMDR to that too (loads of you tube videos on this) it will help immensely. I revise all unpleasant/unwanted interactions at the end of each day. It has made a huge difference.

Morning, that sounds interesting. I'll definitely look into it and thank you for the suggestion. Xxx

OP posts:
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