Really not ready to go back to work...

[HannahLouD]

Hi all,

I'm due to go back to work in two weeks. My lb is 4 months old and I also have a 6yo lg.
Me and my partner took shared parental leave as it worked out financially much better for us (his work pay him 6 months full pay, whereas mine only pay me 8 weeks). I had 12 weeks maternity leave and I'm now on A/L. As the title says, I'm really not ready to go back... I had 9/10 months off with my daughter (I was a single parent at the time) and it was amazing to be able to spend all that time with her. I feel so sad having to go back to work so soon (I know I'm lucky and that some people barely get any time off at all so I shouldn't complain!)
But, in all honesty, I feel really jealous of my partner - he's going to be off until mid-June! I obviously agreed to shared parental leave at the time (albeit not completely loving the idea) but now it's come to it I feel so sad about it. It's not been the best time since our son has been born - we've argued a lot! Mainly because I feel like we have wasted our time off together and he's not doing much to help out... All he really ever seems to want to do is sit on the sofa and play playstation! I feel like I do pretty much everything with our son and my daughter (not her dad biologically) as well as most of the work around the house. I also really feel like he has been treating my daughter very differently to how he treats our son and it's really, really upsetting me - we have also argued a lot about this!
I don't know if it's because we have literally spent the last 4 months together 24/7 or what, but I don't really feel happy in the relationship at the moment.
Our son also is exclusively breastfed (he completely refuses any and all bottles that we have tried!) I'm so tired as he's still up every few hours in the night and it's me who obviously has to do all the feeds - I also have to get up and take my daughter to school. Although I will be working from home and my work is fairly flexible, I can't really rely on being able to feed him every time he needs it due to meetings etc. I also don't think my partner is going to do anything with him while I'm working (as he doesn't atm).
I'm feeling really, really stressed, anxious and down about everything (various other life issues that I won't go into as this post is already long enough!)
I'm honestly not even sure why I'm writing this - just needed to get it out, I guess. But I just can't stand the thought of going back in too weeks - especially as I know that the state of things is even worse than when I left! (I work in the NHS in a really, really underfunded and over prescribed department).
I can't take any unpaid leave as I can't afford it - I worked 30 hours pw before mat leave and am going back to that, but my partner makes a lot more money than me! There's no way I could afford my share of things if I didn't go back to work. And he couldn't afford everything on his own.
Rant over. Thanks for reading! 😅🙈🤦🏻‍♀️x

@HannahLouD if you really can’t afford to have the unpaid mat leave and have to go back to work consider working in the office full time the first two weeks.

I know that sounds counter intuitive, particularly when breast feeding and you don’t want to leave your baby. From what you have said it sounds like you will be working from home but also caring for your baby and doing the household chores. By going into work for two weeks your partner will have no choice but to look after the baby, he also needs a list of what else he needs to do e.g. cleaning, cooking etc. Obviously he doesn’t have to do it all but he needs to step up. I strongly suspect your partner will have a very quick revelation that shared parental leave is not the skive he thinks it is.

I know you are breastfeeding and say the baby can’t or won’t take a bottle, but start expressing and when you are not there he will have no option. I know that is really hard to do but try it just for your first day and see what happens. If the baby does take a bottle then your partner can also do some of the night feeds so you get a good nights sleep, obviously you will still want to breastfeed some of the time.

You do have another option which is that you and your partner should be partners in the true sense of the word. You should not be expected to pay your share when on unpaid mat leave and he is on full pay, and a much higher pay. He should be enabling you to take the 3 months unpaid portion of shared parental leave.

Although I will be working from home and my work is fairly flexible, I can't really rely on being able to feed him every time he needs it due to meetings etc. I also don't think my partner is going to do anything with him while I'm working (as he doesn't atm).

I’m assuming it’s too late to make changes to your leave arrangements so you need to put things in place now to facilitate your return.

For me that would mean your partner stepping up and covering school run and housework. You’ll need an alternative feeding routine for your little one - expressing and handing a bottle to your partner? Often babies won’t take a bottle from mum (because your boobs are right there) but dad will need to persevere.

I agree with taking yourself into the office when you return to work, or shutting yourself up in a room in your house to work or you’ll end up trying to work while also feeding baby and keeping on to of everything. Your partner needs to know that parental leave isn’t a jolly for him, his job is caring for both kids and the house, your job is to work.

I think you need to post about this in the relationship board OP.

It sounds dramatic but if things are as bad as you say I’d be considering checking what my universal credit entitlement would be if I broken up with my partner, and left my job/dropped my hours/went for a lower paid job with lower hours.

Im sorry you’re feeling this way