playgroup worries

[clairethorne]

My 2.5 yr old has recentley started at playgruop two mornings a week, we have followed the playgroups settling in proceedure but after 4 weeks are still having tears for most of the session. He now starts crying as soon as we get in the car, and has evem woke in the night crying about playgruop and various reasons wht he does not want to go. I have never left him with anyone but my mother before. I work as a childminder and he therefore is very social I have only decided to send him to playgroup to get used to being apart from me and prepare him for state nursery. Is it worth all this? How long do I wait before I give up?

We had this problem with dd1 a year ago (see 'Playgroup at 2.5?' thread). We took her out for a while and left her with a childminder for a few months before trying her again at a different nursery. It worked really well.

What do the nursery staff advise?

I had read your message, unfortunately trying him at playgroup again in a few months is not an option unless I continue to pay his fees when he does not attend. The playgroup staff say that 'he is a bright boy who enjoys the routine' and that I should persevere, but it is easier said than done!

Claire does that mean that he settles down and enjoys himself once you leave - or is he miserable while he's there? If he is miserable I would consider taking him out and waiting until he does go to nursery. If you are a childminder then presumably he is getting plenty of interaction with the children you mind. How vocal is he? Can you discuss what he doesn't like?

Although he has stopped crying the whole time he is there (2.5 hours) the staff say he whines and has bouts of crying, he begins to settle when he realises the session is winding down. We have built up tp the 2.5 hours over the period of 4 weeks and when i suggested keeping it to an hour or 1.5 hrs the staff felt it would not help him settle. If I give up now will I just have to go through all this again in September when he starts nursery ? and will it be more difficult after having the extra time at home with me ?

He tells me that he does not like the noise, and he quite sensitive to this at home, the hoover, lawnmower etc, he also comes out with things like 'they shut the curtains' as I think he trys to look our for my return!

Its a bit tricky really Claire, and I've no experience to advise you on. My DS is younger and has been going to nursery since he was 15 weeks. He did cry a little when he moved rooms but that only lasted about a week and he soon settled once I'd gone. Also I think he was missing the baby room as much as me

Your son is still changing and developing very quickkly so may be totally different socially come September. But may not. Also is the playgroup and the nursery likely to be the same kids? And the same sort of environment (noise, structure etc)? I'm kind of thinking that you may go through this unsettled phase in September whether you leave him in playgroup now or not. What do you think?

thanks for listening (or reading!), on my way to pick him up now lets hope I'm greated with a smile! If things haven't improved by Christmas I don't think I will send him next year.

He may just need to mature a bit, Claire. Maybe he'll be ready to start again after Easter? I have dealt with my 3yo crying and whinging that he doesn't want to go to nursery for the last 18 months, and it's not worth the stress any more, which is why we are going to try playgroup. I could have the exact same problems as you, but as playgroup will be a new place, perhaps DS will like it better. Until recently I had envisioned DS not going to playgroup until 4.5yo, but he's getting so bored at Mom+tots groups, I want to try playgroup. We'll see!...

Claire - 2.5 is very young for some children, esp. boys. I sent ds1 to playgroup at this age. He went for 8 sessions. He didn't cry when I left, but would start crying during the session, and was always crying when I picked him up. He actually got worse over the 4 weeks. So I packed it in at that point. He started going 8 months later, and bounced in then, loved it from the word go - no tears at all.

I vowed I would not send ds2 at such a young age, but at 2.5 he was clearly VERY ready for it, and he settled with no problems at all.

Go with your instincts. If he's not ready, he's not ready. Give a few months off!

Claire, I can sympathise. My dd is 2 and three quarters now and started pre-school at 2.5yrs and we've only just cracked the crying at the beginning bit. She is a very sensitive little soul and I felt dreadful, even though she always came out happy and cheerful - but just at the point where I was thinking of pulling her out she seems to have settled.

It's easy to be swayed by the staff who subtly pressurise you into keeping them on when maybe it isn't right...if you don't think it's right for ds, give him a break (they should put his place on hold) and maybe try him at Easter once he's 3? My grandmother (who is eminently sensible ) pointed out that they've got a long time to spend at school and you don't want to put them off when they are only tiny.

Claire, I really sympathise. My youngest started 2 mornings at playgroup in September when he was 2 years and 2 months old. I stayed for the first 3 sessions, just popping out for 10 minutes in the middle. He cried as soon as I left and cried until I got back. Then I spent a few sessions staying for the first half hour only. I phoned them as soon as I got home to be told he was still upset but reading a book with someone. I felt very guilty, but wanted to persevere. The playgroup leader said if he didn't settle he could leave and try again afer Xmas. Then gradually he got better. He would cry for 10 minutes after I'd gone then sob a bit on and off apparently. Now he still cries when I leave him but settles down almost immediately, and after 5 minutes cuddle with one of the staff will run off and play with the other children. If he hadn't settled by now I would definitely have taken him out and postponed it.
The turning point for me was the first time he wasn't upset when I went to pick him up. That was probably after about 8 sessions.
I felt that if he didn't get used to it now he would have to go through it instead in Sept when he'll probably start at nursery (if I think he's ready), when you don't have the same settling in arrangements and you can't stay around for as long as you want to like you can at playgroup.
If he's showing any signs of improvement I'd say persevere until Xmas. How long has he been going? If it's been more than 2 months then maybe it's not right for him at the moment.
Hope this helps.

claire, I can really sympathise as I'm going through exactly the same, my 2.5 yr old just starting 2 short mornings a week at nursery and obviously dislikes it. I'm finding it so hard as she doesn't settle for hardly any of the time I leave her either, ie it isn't just a reaction to when I leave and she cries for 5 minutes, she is distressed for most of the time. I have only done 3 sessions with her on her own but I was convinced she would be OK, ie she is a confident child, loves other children, has never, ever clung to me except when poorly, so this is firstly come as a surprise and also is, obviously, deeply upsetting me.
I've gone down to 1.5 hours to 2 hours but think if things don't go well in the next 3 or 4 sessions I will give up and hope nursery will understand and not try and charge me for notice period etc. I feel I'm knocking her confidence from her and would also love to know how to tackle this.
What I'm trying to say is a really empathise with you and I will follow your thread with great interest and if anything seems to work for you can you let me know? Good luck.

I've BTDT with my dd, Claire. She wasn't keen on playgroup to begin with and then after another child bit her she grew more and more unhappy. I took her out in the April and she was given a nursery place after the summer which she loved and settled into with no problems at all. FWIW, I agree with Skara's gran, I think she's quite right.

When we withdrew my ds from playgroup (see below), in order to meet the 'getting used to being away from me' need, he went to a childminder's for a couple of hours each week. It was much more gentle for him, and he loved it. DS2 starts school next September - I can't believe how fast the time goes. Make the most of the time when they're home with you.

Had a very good chat with the playgroup staff yesterday . They were quite concerned that it was affecting my son so much at home (waking in the night and becomming more clingy generally)
they have requested that I stick with it until at least xmas which is only 4 playsessions away.
After seeing no real improvement over the last 4 weeks I'm not expecting miracles in the next week and a half.
When he attends on Friday I will broach the subject of him trying again after Easter and see if we cannot come to an agreement over the fees!
Its reasurring to know so many people have been through this situation and decided to do the same. I think Bozza was right when she suggested that I might have to go through all this in Sept regardless of what I do now.