Think I’ve annoyed them. Feel very bad

[Workq]

I feel really worried that I’ve messed up at work.

I’m having a really difficult time at the moment for multiple reasons.

Recently I have had to give back notice on the overtime I agreed to work due to my personal circumstances meaning I need the time off. There were enough other people in to work on this particular day. I gave a week’s notice of it and told them I was happy to work a later date instead of this one. I emphasised that I am trying to apply the brakes so that I don’t burn out. I couldn’t have given any more notice than one week as there was a rapid health decline in a relative which we of course weren’t aware was going to happen.

Manager seemed unhappy and simply said it’s far easier to not agree to it in the first place in the future unless I am absolutely certain I could have done it. I know that is true but didn’t know for sure I wouldn’t be able to, until this weekend. Explained this. They have also conveyed to me they are short staffed so it will be difficult for them. I knew this already and was very worried about admitting I’d taken on too much for this reason. That is how it has been left and I feel very guilty and have inadvertently given myself an extra thing to worry about. I have apologised but didn’t get a reply. They haven’t followed up or asked if I am ok otherwise, or acknowledged the situation in any kind of way. I don’t see them regularly due to working from various locations so haven’t seen them since and possibly won’t for a couple of weeks.

How do I remedy this and save it from being awkward? I really, really, love my role and have done for several years I have been there. I don’t want to let anyone down now or in the future. I have reiterated this since and said that I want to be well enough to give my all. I don’t have form for being flaky and at my appraisals they seem very happy with my performance and output. I think I must have only had one period of sickness ever in the years of being there, so it’s really not me.

I just feel so guilty now and worried that I have gone down in their estimations.

Honestly op, I've worked in many similar situations and this is the problem with chronic underataffing - it puts the staff who are fit and healthy under pressure to over commit themselves to 'help out' and then inevitably they over commit and have to step back to protect themselves.

A good manager will identify over commitment and try to slow you down, not make you feel bad for an unforeseen circumstance.

I think you are not maybe as supported in your role as you should be and your managers reaction to a family illness is very much a reflection of their own pressure and stress rather than anything you did wrong.

It sounds like in your job you might get supervision? If that's the case I'd just wait until your next supervision and I'd say you felt that the reaction you got was unfair and you've been feeling obligated to over commit due to pressure on the team and you were then criticised for coming close to burn out because of it.

I'd then ask what their plan is to address the staff shortages because the staff remaining doing overtime is going to create a circle of staff sick leave due to stress and burn out. You were right to prioritise your mental health, you gave them a lot of notice and they showed they cared more about the rota than about you as a person they work alongside.

I'm not saying your manager is generally awful, it's very stressful managing a short staffed team, but it was unfair for them to put that on you. I wouldn't be apologising and I'd be saying you find it concerning that when you mentioned feeling close to burn out there was no follow up on that except to state how difficult the shift cover was. That's unacceptable.

Thank you. I just feel sick with guilt and don’t really know how I can bring it up to my boss without making it awkward. I know I don’t need to feel bad, but I really do…

I know it’s easier said than done but I think you need to find a way past this. You’ve already apologised and it’s now up to your manager to accept it or not. You’ve done absolutely the right thing, if you burn out you’re no good to anyone and family comes first always. Good managers recognise that and should be encouraging it. Feeling guilty will do nothing more than make you feel bad about yourself. If you were in your managers shoes, how would you have handled it? Continuing to grovel will only reinforce the message you’ve done something wrong and you most definitely have not.

You’ve had a change in personal circumstances- a family emergency- that means you can’t do the agreed overtime. I don’t see that as flaky or even preserving your longer term health to do the job.

You haven’t thought about it and changed your mind because of lack of capacity. Your circumstances changed, due to a family emergency.

Breathe. Let it go. This isn’t your fault and the manager shouldn’t be being grumpy. They are discharging their stress downward which is inappropriate.

You need to calm down. You've apologised and that's all you can do, just let it go now. Make sure you don't agree to overtime unless you're really sure you can do it. I can understand them being irritating at being left short-staffed at short notice but it's not the end of the world. Don't make a bigger deal of it than it is.