No confidence in work

[dulydone]

I am struggling in work and constantly feel stupid. For context I returned a year ago after 2 lots of mat leave. Before starting my first mat leave I was promoted to a management role for 6 months. I went back to my original post right before mat leave but was offered a permanent management post before I finished up. When I came back after first mat leave I took up the management post during Covid then was back at work 10 months before my second mat leave. Basically I've held this job for over 5 years but have only physically worked a broken 2 year period. I work alongside 3 other managers and feel I constantly second guess my decisions and feel the need to run things by my colleagues. I worry this is irritating and they find me more a hindrance than a help. I get so down about it but then I'm run ragged juggling almost full time work with 2 small children plus some issues in my personal life. I feel I made a mistake taking on a management role but now feel tied in to the financial aspect. I work 4 days but back in my substantive post worked 5. My ts&cs are too good to look elsewhere although I have looked at starting a side hustle but sure I won't match my earnings and I'm the bread winner: not sure what I want to gain from this post but just wanted to vent and wondered if others feel similar. I know I suffer imposter syndrome

When you're second guessing your decisions, what is it you're afraid will happen? (Eg are these life or death decisions?) Or is it that you want a sounding board from someone with more experience?

Unless somebody has said something to suggest they have a problem with it, I would assume it's fine.

I don't know what sector you're in so it may be very different to mine, but where I work it's normal to ask second opinions and talk problems through together to test your thoughts or get an alternative perspective. It doesn't mean you're not good at your job.

@freezefade thank you for replying. It is absolutely not life or death and all very mundane public sector stuff. Reading my post now I realise I have gone in to extreme over thinking mode. I can be very guilty of getting in my own head

I think you're right, no one has said anything so I just need to get on with it. Had a rant to DH when I got home and he said give yourself a break which I'm trying to do. I'm a chronic over thinker and wish I knew a way to break myself out of it

Good advice from your DH, and from @freezefade !

You just got to fake it till you make it. I am in a new type of role now but I was working in a different role in the same area for years. I slowly realised the only difference between me and the senior management team was confidence. My current manager has been amazing for my confidence- she’s like you know this stuff better than me - you’ve got this and I 100% trust your decisions.

Maybe you need to start a mantra in the mirror in the mornings.

Oh you poor thing slightly different sector here (retail) but absolutely get how you feel. I found the only way I started to succeed and see how good I actually am was to say fuck it and just go head first into making a decision whether it was right or wrong, there's no wrong decision that can't be undone. Believe in yourself you can do this, you are good enough and you are super mama to your 2 beautiful babies. Chin up and be the boss you know you are ❤️

If no one has said anything or complained, it’s fine, sometimes we overthink things when we feel insecure but I would say focus on the days that you have done well at work, be bold and say to yourself If you can handle motherhood which is bloody hard, surely you can handle this! Since I’ve returned from mat leave, this thinking has helped me a lot and also has put things into perspective that there’s no point worrying about things that won’t matter a month from now. You can do it!

It’s all confidence op! If as you said before it’s not life or death, then the worst that can happen is more inconvenience than anything. People are always more likely to make mistakes when they’re second guessing- I wrote a similar post about a year ago where I thought everyone must find me a pain because I couldn’t keep up. The more I thought this, the more I made mistakes, the more I worried until I became a nervous wreck. Then one day I was talking to another girl and she told me all the mistakes she’d made earlier on- some huge ones. She said I’d already passed that point and not made said mistakes and that chances were I was as likely to do it the right way as the wrong if I just remembered I’d been hired for a reason. You need to remember that op, you’re there because someone was sure of you x

It’s totally normal to run decisions past others to check your thinking. I’m always encouraging my direct reports to do this (I manage managers). In fact I get far more problems with the ones who don’t do this.

I would also suggest asking for or seeking out some training or leadership coaching. You’re right that although holding the role for 5 years in actuality you are still a very inexperienced manager. A good coach in particular will give you an external person to talk things through with

I went through this for a bit. Then I started to ask myself what would a mediocre man with less skills do - they would go for it without a second thought. I find that tends to give me the push I need.

Women overthink, men under think.

Thank you all so much for replying. It's nice
to feel validated for feeling this way at and also some really practical tips and different ways of thinking I can take on board.

@Daffidale I actually did have a mentor type person when I first went back but it cooled off a bit however, when I was spiralling on Friday I contacted them to arrange a meeting so hoping this will help. Great to hear your perspective as a manager if managers

And yes @kinkyredboots I love that. Men underthink and women overthink. This definitely applies to my situation !!