Desperate for advice

[Tooshyshy123]

Hi please forgive the ramble but this is the 1st time I've put this in writing.
I'm having serious problems at work (public sector, nursing, been there for just under 4 years).
I have just found out that a colleague has been bad mouthing me behind my back and has been doing so for a while. I was devastated as I thought we got on well. After speaking to him and other colleagues it seems like there has been loads of gossiping behind my back and venting about me. I didn't feel I could go to my line manager as he is good friends with one of these colleagues who has also been talking about me wife.
I did not know where to turn so spoke informally to a union rep who advised me to contact hr to seek advice.
I decided not to but asked if we could have a team chat and loads of grievances about me came out about my behaviour and attitude which I vehemently rebuke..some downright lies which luckily others were able to back me up on.

I did then decide to speak to team leader who basically took the others side and said lots of things that upset me.
He wants us as a team to do some work together but made it clear he saw me as the problem..to say I was devastated was an understatement.
Throwaway comments made to colleagues in group conversations have been twisted and repeated back to manager who is now angry and frustrated with me too. I have asked for mediation but am now terrified I am going to get sacked...my stomach is churning and I've been sick all night. This was my dream job and I worked hard to get my degree..please help

If you have had any shortcomings it was your line managers job to hold and mirror up and feedback to make you aware. Not partake in gossip and rumour which is a form of bullying

You won't lose your job, I would self refer to occupational health for moral support then ask to see HR, it might be possible to simply transfer to another department, I would also involve your matron if they are approachable. Bullying is and has always been rife in the NHS.

Thank you so much. I feel like I really need to knuckle down, get on with my job and keep my mouth shut. It might nit be a great solution but think it's all I can manage for now. Though I would consider mediation

He has never previously raised any concerns about me or my work.

Thank you, good advice. My matron was the lady they were bitching about. I haven't told her as I know she would be devestated

I’m an nhs manager and if I learned a member of my team went to the union rather than discuss something with me, I’d feel like I’ve failed and be doing what I could to fix that and support a colleague to feel they could come to me.

write everything down in a timeline so it doesn’t get muddled and be open and say this is from my perspective, what I’ve seen/heard and how it’s made me feel. They cannot disregard your perspective even if their view is different. Then I would involve the matron. You don’t need to say they were bad-mouthing her, you could just say “a senior colleague in the Trust/organisation”.

approach it as “I love this role and want support to move forward through this.”

Good luck op!

Thank you so much

In that case I would ask for a meeting with HR, matron and your union rep, it may come up in conversation. The worse that can happen is you transfer to another ward and you never have to see the bullies again. If its really causing you stress you can go off sick and speak to your doctor and occy health.

Thank you. I'm not being stubborn but I do want to stay in this job if possible.. its a specialist role and I worked hard to get it. I think I just need to learn how to work in this ward

It shows great strength of character to stay in a difficult environment, good luck with everything.

Thank you x

y line manager who was annoyed I spoke to union and my husband r

how did your line manager know you’d spoken to your husband about it?

and do you really not trust anyone in your personal life?

After speaking to him and other colleagues it seems like there has been loads of gossiping behind my back and venting about me.

you confronted him on the basis of what evidence? and then how did the exchange between you and him go? did it end in an argument?

and was there no one above your line manager to speak with in the very first instance

I told my manager and I just don't like talking about my personal life at work and to be honest, after listening to some of my colleagues gossip, I'm glad I don't x

Another colleague told me about what he was saying and I asked to have a quiet chat with him. He denied it at first then try to blame a couple of others then actually accused me of saying some things that I didn't.
My line manager initially wasn't around but given his friendships with some of my colleagues, I felt more comfortable talking to my union rep x

So you went to your union on the basis of one colleague telling you that another colleague had said something about you, who you had a chat with and then he said that others had said it too

and then the conversation ended and you went to your union rep?

I just don't like talking about my personal life at work

but you told work that you didn’t trust most people in your personal life. That is a pretty personal thing to tell work colleagues!

Op you said a number of grievances came out about you. But you seem to be focused on you don’t share your personal,life. I’m fairly positive this isn’t the issue. If you want help, list the grievances that have against you as it’s a serious and quite severe situation.

this

It's great that you are going to try to work through this but don't consider it failure to leave and get a fresh start elsewhere. I know someone who was in a toxic nursing environment and felt trapped because it was convenient for family. She left for a job further away once kids were out of primary and everything changed massively for the better. Her new team were great, her salary increased her mental health and self esteem improved. Write everything down and keep a record/ diary.

I had a similar situation to you in a previous role. I used to be very quiet but listening to colleagues bitch horribly about another really got to me and I spoke to one of them about it. They turned it around and accused me of bullying them and spread that around other teams. Everyone in our team knew the truth as they had all been saying these people were horrible but no one did or said anything to support our colleague who ended up taking time off very distressed or me when it was turned on me. I left a few months later and was worried about the future but things only got better.

So if they feel like you are not sharing enough of life outside of work you could compromise here. You do not need to tell them your deepest darkest secrets but keep it light and fluffy - you do not even need to be 100% transparent. I am not a big sharer either but even just meeting them half way with something frivolous & neutral may help.

i think you have misread the Op and her follow ups

@Tooshyshy123 this. Straight to HR.

Just a quick update..found out tonight on my shift that my line manager and his wife were out on Saturday night clubbing with my main accuser and his husband. I'm sure he will say he is professional at all times, but I feel even more strongly that I can't confide in him about how I'm feeling..which to be honest, is pretty shitty.