Advice please....

[Ratherstandonacliffandsetfiretomyself]

Just looking for some advice on how to address this issue. No judgement please - I know what my faults are and that's why I'm looking for some advice from anyone who could provide some.

For context, I'm 38 and was confirmed as being neurodiverse(ASD) at the age of 35. I've had my struggles but largely muddle along. One thing I've always struggled with is remembering to check in with other people about how they are and how things are going with them - I have to really force myself to ask after other people. I really do try and remember to do this but often my head feels so 'full' with my own stuff that I struggle.

This was brought up by my boss in my appraisal yesterday. I really really like the team I work with and I did find the check ins easier to do when we were altogether in the office but we are now home-based after Covid. We meet physically once a month for a team meeting. We have one catch-up meeting a week but it's only an hour for ten people so not much room for chat outside of work issues and we don't really speak socially other than meeting up a couple of times a year for leaving dos, Christmas, etc.

I did get upset as I really hate the thought that people think I don't care - but I genuinely do! I've always struggled with the softer skills in and out of work - if there was an emergency it would always be me who was ringing the ambulance, etc. rather than holding hands and giving hugs, etc. The example I was given though was that someone's mum had been in hospital - this person has just left our team and I genuinely didn't know - but how would I know if nobody told me?

Ironically my manager who raised it with me is the same manager who just last week didn't check in with me at all after I left a meeting to be sick, and doesn't ever check in with me either so I found that a bit ironic!

Just some advice on how I could get better at this would be really appreciated!

I really feel for you.

I'm a little surprised from the examples you've given that this was even raised as an issue.
Were there any comments around your performance in any other way?

My personal view, is that there is no requirement for personal chat in a work environment, but I do appreciate that others feel differently.

If no issues with your performance, I would be tempted to say that you find it uncomfortable when other people in the team pry into your private life, but you've not raised it as everyone is different. But that is probably more aggressive than you want to be!

I'm sure that others will be along with better advice. But I do not think you are doing anything wrong and I think your manager is in the wrong for raising it.

I'd have pushed back on that one tbh. 'Of course I would have sent me condolences had I known but unfortunately nobody told me'

I'm surprised personal comments on your performance are even still allowed. I'm in the Civil Service, I joined in 1989 and in those days it was 'allowed' for the Line Manager to comment on personal stuff like how you dress, how you speak to people etc but those days are dead and buried, performance rating is just that, you're rated on how well or not you're performing in your job and no more than that. Don't beat yourself up over this, is says more about them than you and if they know your have ASD they should be more understanding. I work in an office environment and the last thing on my mind is, how are you? Is everything ok? Did you have a good weekend etc because my head is full of what is going on in my work load for the rest of the day.

@flipent no not really any issues identified other than a few bits of advice about asking for more feedback, other meetings I could attend, etc. In fact on our rating system she scored me higher than I scored myself on most things. I'm very much an open book (and an over-sharer!) and would always speak up and let people know if things weren't going well or if something bad had happened... I guess I need to remember when others say they're 'fine' they don't always mean it - but without body language cues this is even harder for me to pick up!

@ShennyInfinity I work in an NHS Trust but a non-clinical role - we have to be scored against the Trust values which include compassion - easier for patient-facing staff to be assessed on this I guess but we still have to do it.

Ultimately they are asking you to conform to one view on the appropriate way to deal with situations, which doesn't sound very compassionate on their part.

Are they aware of your diagnosis?

Yes they are. It was also commented on about how I am very good at making sure my needs are met!

Was that said as a positive? It's difficult to know from your post.

Without having been there, I would say that I wouldn't worry too much, they have mentioned it because someone in the team thinks you should be better at soft skills. I think your manager was wrong to capitulate to this person, but managers are people too!

If it is raised again, it may be worth asking how they will support you going forwards, helping too remind you of social conventions you may have missed for example.

If you have no problem with saying the right thing, but more an issue recognising that there is a 'right thing'.

@flipent Sorry yes that was meant as a positive thing, in that I can articulate what I need and will always advocate for myself (to be honest my needs are absolutely minimal but does include things like dialling into some meetings from home if the offices are particularly busy/noisy - although others do this to but it just means I have a reason to back up my case!)