Taking a new role whilst my dd17 is struggling

[Superdupersquirrel]

hi - I’ve been approached by an ex colleague to take a role as head of EMEA for a 200 person string tech company. As they are scaling they want someone to build a positive performance culture and although I’ve not had a role that senior, they think I would be ideal. So as you can imagine this is such a lovely thing to hear and I am beyond grateful to have people believe in me.

however at the same time, my dd17 has been through a terrible time at college, has left there after a very serious incident (will probably start at a new college in sept but still doesn’t know what to do), is struggling with friends, wants to drop out of a sport she’s incredibly good at (but there is no way we would push and push to keep with it because you’ve got to want it yourself). She is interested in paramedics and would really like to pursue that which is great but right now, we are all a bit lost. Her mood is all over the place, she currently doesn’t want to talk to anyone about what happened. Of course it is all totally understandable and even without what has happened, the teen bit is tough anyway. But I feel like an utter failure as a mum right now. I keep trying to do lovely things with her to help the days be a bit lighter (going out for lunch, little trips away, movies etc) sometimes she seems pleased with that, other times I think she probably hates me. I know what she wants is to be out with friends her age but that’s not happening by or her right now (hopefully when she’s back at college that will help)

Couple that with all of my friends telling me what a great time their kids are having at college, I can’t talk to them about the reasons why she left, so I have to lie (and I can see they think I’m being strange) and I know comparison is useless but right now, I feel parenting wise I am in a different universe.

so it’s a long way of setting the context to say in one part of my life I feel like utter crap and then I have this opportunity. I feel excited that they’ve offered it to me, terrified about it as I’ve not done it before and utterly guilty for even considering it.

Why the guilt? Do you think you will have a terrible work life balance with this job?

I understand your DD is going through a tough time but she is 17. It would be different if she was 5 and you had all kinds of wrap around care, bathtimes, etc. to deal with.

It seems like she needs emotional support and not all the practical support of a young child which, logistically isn't so challenging.

Is the job WFH, hybrid, or on site? Are the hours full-time?

Hi @BippityBopper its full time but predominantly WFH - probably one day in London a week which is fine.

You are absolutely right about the logistical help, I am finding the emotional help piece fairly overwhelming. I’m getting some talking therapy to help with this as I think it will be critical for me being able to balance things. It will be an intense role, there’s no doubt about it, but it’s in a field I really enjoy

I would take the opportunity if I were you.

You can still carve out time for your DD, and WFH for the most part is ideal as you'll have a physical presence in the house and there won't be the lost time commuting.

You sound excited by the prospect and, as a mother, it's essential to take care of yourself. I'm sure it'll be a welcome distraction and will probably help you support your daughter. You won't have time to overthink things. You'll potentially feel empowered and have a convince boost from, what sounds like, an incredible role.

Be a role model to your daughter - challenging times don't have to stop you from moving forward.

If the career opportunity and circumstances were different, I might have a different opinion. But it sounds doable to me.

Good luck with it all. Hopefully others will soon come along with additional opinions.

Thanks so much @BippityBopper that's incredibly kind of you and I know your advice is exactly what I would give someone else

I think that with the greatest if
kindness to you and your DD

Being in a stable demanding job will be good for you
You will be an excellent role model for her
It is a good boundary to set that you’re not going to be a 24/7 counsellor/entertainer/educator her her

also- what are you lying to your friends? Surely they’re happy to support you?

Hi @Catsfrontbum - lying is probably a bit strong but basically I cannot share why she left so all the inevitably questions on how’s college, how’s her sport etc just involve me trying to stay vague and change the subject. I’m normally a very open person so i’m not sure I’m
being entirely convincing and it’s exhausting

Sorry op I don’t mean to sound accusatory.

It does sound exhausting.

If you don’t take the job, she is still going to be having a hard time and struggling. If you think you can provide her emotional support and give enough to the role then absolutely take it.

I wouldn't take the job in these circumstances personally.

You really didn’t @Catsfrontbum - I realised I probably phrased it wrong

Hi @Dacadactyl it would be great to understand why you wouldn’t take it as it make help me assess if there are some things I should consider. Those few people I can speak to IRL agree with the other posters that I should go for it but I’m still unsure if it will be too much

I appreciate that you can't say what happened, but I think for me it would depend on what happened.

If she was a victim of an assault or something then I'd probably be wary of taking on a huge new job when she's likely to be fragile for years to come, realistically.

If she had a falling out and was in a fight then I'd be more inclined to take the job.

This is probably a reflection of my lack of imagination that I am struggling to find up with other scenarios but I hope my point comes across?

WRT friends I think you should come up with a story as close to the truth and stick to it instead of being vague, as that just raises more questions. E.g. she wasn't getting along with classmates, didn't like her course and was really struggling to fit in so we're trying a different college in September and she's going to figure out what she wants to do in the meantime.

The reason why I wouldn't go for it is because of my attitude to work/home responsibilities, which I suspect is different to most other people's.

I have either been a SAHM or worked PT around the kids since my eldest (who is also 17) was born. If I felt for one minute the kids were struggling, I'd rearrange things in a heartbeat so that I was even more present for them.

I also think parenting is stressful enough and you risk burning yourself out to some degree too by taking on more work responsibility, while worrying about your child.

However, I appreciate that if your child has known no different to you working FT etc, then it may be easier for her to deal with. It may just be that you need to be mindful of potential pitfalls if you decide to go for it.

I agree with@BippityBopper . Although your DD is having a very difficult time right now hopefully over time she will find her equilibrium again and you may have given up a long term benefit to you for a short term issue. Are there other people who can offer support to her? Would she agree to and benefit from mental health support herself? I think being constantly present isn't always the best thing. I think 17 year old need to begin to find their own ways to work through difficulties and begin to be independent with support and that doesn't happen if parents are always rushing in and taking over.

@Blackcountryexile I don't mean it in a "I would rush in and take over way".

More in a "I am there and available, when or if, you need me" way.