How do you cope mentally with difficult patients

[Midwinterblueys]

I work in healthcare and the majority of people we care for are lovely but every now and again have a patient or relative who is very rude to us or a complaint or similar received (usually always over a trivial matter and usually from those we have gone the extra effort to support)
I feel so depressed for days/weeks after someone shows their annoyance at me for their appointment not running on time or complaint etc. Maybe it wouldn’t matter so much if we didn’t put so much effort trying our best for everyone. I see other HCPs work just as hard for their patients, how do you not let those patients depress you when you come home?

Try to remember that you are not being paid to think about them after you leave work.

To them you are just a service provider. They’re stressed or worried and highly likely not thinking about the impact their behaviour is having on you.

Don’t let their treatment of you live rent free in your head.

Thank you for replying, will try and keep that in mind and think of ways switch off a bit more when I get home. I think maybe because I’m pregnant atm feeling extra sensitive and can’t even go home and have a few glasses of wine like used to after dealing with difficult patients. I think it’s so hard as we try so hard to give the best care and experience we can to our patients and put them first in everything, we skip our lunches, work in our own time, beg favours from colleagues etc for them to get the best care and fit around their schedules/convenience and then for some to be so rude and just treat you as worthless is so incredibly demoralising. In reality most of my patients are lovely and that’s why I do the job but the ones that vent their frustrations just because their appointments are running a bit late etc (and usually are the ones who make everyone else’s appointments run even later as have lots of problems need sorting themselves) just make me not want to do the job anymore, even though have worked so hard to qualify, lovely colleagues and love the job otherwise

Just remember the rudeness is an expression of need. They have fear, stress, trauma, they're lacking social cues, they're lonely, cold, tired, hungry. Yes, you go the extra mile. Always remember that you do that for the people who need it but are ungrateful because everyone deserves good treatment.

Then go home, blast music and empty your head if it.

I had a stressful social work placement when I was pregnant. I found singing very loudly in the car to and from work really helped as it gets endorphins flowing. Also walking if you can.

When I worked in the more acute setting I found it sometimes a bit easier to deal with patients being a bit temporarily off as could understand they’re going through a difficult time but work in the community now and usually planned appointments and the patients generally not going through an acute crisis or even ill. Despite getting a good level of clinical care, treated with respect etc they just seem to want a private level of care and convenience on the NHS that we’re not set up to provide and then just see us as the whipping boy when they don’t get that. They just seem to be rude people generally. Yet patients who you know are going through so much themselves (or even have diagnosed difficulties with social communication) are often the loveliest ones. I just find it so difficult at the moment to square the fact that while all our focus is on caring for and respecting our patients very much as people with feelings deserving of good care and respect but that a significant minority of people see us as nothing more than inanimate cogs in a machine

I hear you! Just struggling with a hugely entitled couple now… I was kind enough to give my home details for emergencies ( I am a GP) and I regret!
Long e mails, demands I see out of hours… Endless …and never a single thank you !

Thank you, have got a day off today so will try that, will pop on some good music while getting jobs done around the house and try and get out for a nice walk between the showers!

It’s hard to shake it off isn’t it? You’re a human and this industry tends to burn out kind, empathetic types for this reason. You’re also taught to put yourself in the position of the patient and think about ways to ease their pain/anxiety, etc. It’s a bit of a no-win situation when the really lovely HCPs wear out and move on, leaving only the robotic battle axes left to look after everyone.

Different scenario bt I work in customer service and I tend to find that some people are just arseholes. I have to log complaints as part of my job and usually the more horrible the person who is making the complaint, the less valid the complaint is, but people think that the louder they shout, the more they will get.

Conversely when I’ve put through complaints which are clearly genuine and which I would also complain about if I was them, the people making the complaints, while unhappy, are usually polite, and give me the time to do my job, and thank me for my help when I’ve reassured them that we’re looking into the matter for them.

I’ve experienced this in more than one customer environment, so I think this is about people and not practices. Iyswim.

I’ve never worked in healthcare but I’ve spent more time than I care to remember in hospital environments, and again, the patients and families who have kicked off the most are the same ones you hear on speaker phone shouting at other people about God knows what.

I distinctly remember having to share a room with an awful woman who was absolutely horrible to everyone. She would ring the bell to get the nurse to do things like move her fork to the other side of her tray (she was perfectly able btw),she spoke to the medical staff like they were shit on her shoe, and then she started on me. I wanted the window open on my side as I feel the heat, and she told me that I was going to have to accept not having an open window because she can’t stand the cold. Bt it was the way she said it. Fortunately for her I was discharged that afternoon or we were going to fall out because I wouldn’t have stood for her crap.

Just remember it’s not personal :-)

It’s so frustrating, thank you for the care you do try so hard to provide. My GP and midwife have both been amazing and so grateful for the time and care they’ve given, maybe more so as working in the system I know that my GP very likely didn’t have the half hour she gave to me in her day so no doubt had to skip any breaks plus I would of been just one of many for her that day (some with much more serious problems) yet she was so kind and compassionate. I can’t say how grateful I am to them and most of my patients are lovely and appreciative and do try remember that. The rude ones just bring you down so much though :(

I use grey rock technique.

Agree with @DontGoBreakingMyHeart
It bothers you because you care. You're driven by a genuine desire to help people and you put the effort in. When that is not only not appreciated but someone sticks the boot in, it hurts.

Could you turn the narrative in your head over to something like
'since the dawn of time people who are willing to be shitty to others exist, especially if they think giving out grief will get them something better. Pity them! Not only can they never know true soul deep appreciation because everything is about leverage and transaction to them, but they don't even recognise something good and valuable when they get it!

I turn up for work for the 98% of people who deserve me, I'm pleased to be able to do that and if one of these ingrates benefits, I don't mind, better to cast the net too far than not far enough. Though if they want to make things bad for me, I won't be going above and beyond for them, they will get basic professional me only.

They have no idea what a life asset a real caring HCP is and it's right under their nose. How sad it must be to see everything as a steaming pile of horse manure when it's actually gold. Thank god that's not me. I know what it is to look someone in the eye and know I've touched their life forever and they appreciate it.
I have patients who I know SEE the care I give and deserve it because that's exactly what they would do if the roles were reversed.
These people have never touched someone deeply like that. Those poor hollow husks, sucking lemons all their life.
Your complaint means nothing because it comes from a place of bitterness and it's not based on reality, it will be processed but it will not be cared about and it doesn't hold water. Good luck in your miserable life!"

Or just blast loud music on your way home. 😁

Thank you for all your lovely replies and helpful tips! I did manage to sleep better last night and feel a bit better today, although still find myself randomly tearful at times when think about it and dreading encountering a particular patient when go back into work next week. I do have lots of lovely patients and would say between episodes of these rude patients I love my job but just now find myself thinking about looking for different work as there’s always that dread of who you might encounter on any working day or that even a nice patient will turn nasty and start complaining over things outside your control. There’s also part of you that wonders if you really are good enough in your role and whether you should do a different line if work, especially when you get patients who it seems nothing is ever good enough for them no matter how well you try to do your job

I am a HCP too and relate to what you say. What I am trying to work on is gentle but firm boundaries for everyone in place at the start of my involvement, like a contract or agreement to what I can provide or do. This can be referred back to. Otherwise its detach, grey rock/ mental distance.

Have a huge thank-you from me for your work.

@Midwinterblueys

Good Music and mediation and spending a bit or some time in nature is really 🤔 good for stress relief

Also Gentle exercise such as swimming 🏊‍♂️ ect too...

Congratulations expecting a baby 👶 soon too..
Take care

Rember to try not take difficult patients attitudes like that personally i know it's not allways easy.

As one poster said they see you as a service provider,
they don't allways see you as a person trying to do your best under intense stressful circumstances at times...

@Chrissmasjammies

Good sound insightful advice for @Midwinterblueys

Remember they are not the best version of themselves when they are needy and sick

They are at their lowest point, sad, angry and frustrated. It isnt you

I work in mental health.

I try to view difficult interactions as those people are doing their very best but are frightened, confused, struggling but at that time don't have the skills to express it in a way that ensures their needs are met.

I once had an elderly blind lady in hospital, she was aggressive, verbally abusive and everyone hated working with her. Weeks later it turned out she had a low level UTI and once that was treated she was so lovely. She was doing her best all the time and it actually wasn't her nature to be horrible.

She helps me not take it personally, retain my compassion and not burn myself out overthinking things.

HCP here too and I'm well known for being super nice and polite and caring to all my patients. The majority give me the same energy back and it makes the job really satisfying to do. The odd one I get who is unjustifiably rude then gets what I call "my shell" They get the same clinical knowledge and treatment but all the positive energy is turned off. It costs me a lot mentally to maintain my positive energy and I'm usually exhausted and in need of at least an hours quiet time when I get home to decompress and recharge so in my eyes patients that are rude are not deserving of that extra energy. Their clinical care is still excellent but apart from that, nah, I'm just not doing it!
It's taken me about 18 years in the trade to get settled like this but it means how I work is sustainable and keeps the job satisfaction for me.
Ironically I find that this particular breed of patient responds better to that consultation mode. They're not interested in the niceties and from past experience it just seems to inflame them further!