How regain confidence after bad job move?

[DenimTiger]

There were a few red flags before I started current job. Some things the recruiter had said about the demeanour of some of the staff was a bit odd, which in hindsight I should have taken more heed of. Then in the 3rd panel interview I got bad vibes, comments were made that didn’t sit well with me but I thought as I wouldn’t be working directly for the individual it would be fine. I actually highlighted my concerns to the recruiter and said I did not think I was a good fit- I wish I’d not been taken in by the hard sell.

Fast forward 12 months, my confidence is in pieces. I’ve never experienced a workplace like it. It’s like being back at high school; gossip is rife, people literally will be whispering and laughing like teenagers about people, or just bad mouthing people freely as soon as the perceived offender has left earshot. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I’ve never had trouble in the workplace, especially when it comes to making positive professional connections with colleagues, but I have zero allies here. To make matters worse there has been zero training. Due to the nature of the work I would have expected at least some sort of training plan but it has been a ‘sink or swim’ type of affair. This isn’t unfamiliar to me, but once again I will stress that the nature of the work requires some instruction and I feel like I’ve been set up to fail (something a senior staff member appears to have taken satisfaction in, they were present at 3rd panel interview and were/have continued to be quite unpleasant). I’ve tried to raise issues several times and feel deflated by the responses I received, often patronising in tone.

While I understand needing to be flexible to meet the needs of the business, on starting I found my job title was completely different to the one I applied for. It reflects, I’m sure, pay but it is far junior and generic, especially compared to the title others have who do the same. I am being given tasks outside of the job description, comments were made about my lack of/how I should be making the coffees (I attempted to laugh this off as a joke). In the end, I was outright being instructed to make the coffees which I found a bit humiliating. It has gotten to the point where I don’t say anything unless I’m spoken to.

I have a few interviews lined up but I’m not sure how to get past the feelings of inferiority that this current job has given me. Any tips?

Not a huge amount of advice that I can give, but I sympathise - I’m in a fairly similar situation currently. At my workplace, there’s a lot of gossiping/bad-mouthing, sarcastic or condescending/patronising comments, etc., and more. Even though I prefer the actual job and its flexibility to my last one, I really dislike some of the people and the culture they’ve created. It’s also had an impact on my self-esteem too, although fortunately I’m only in the office one day a week.

All I can say is good luck for the interviews and remember it’s not about you, it’s about them. In my experience, people who patronise others are usually very insecure themselves, and even the very best and most competent people put up with this kind of condescension.

Thank you, and I’m really sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation. I think, in some ways, it’s harder when you’re not in the office as much? Absolutely dread the days I’m in there. I’m pretty certain my job could be done fully remote but I don’t think that’d even make me stay now!

These things happen and it is pretty clear that this is not a place you want to work. Turn it into a positive. It has clarified what you want from an employer in terms of culture and you can check out an alternative with that extra experience. Recruiters also understand that a misstep is not unusual , better to fix it by moving on quickly.

Thank you for your comment, yes it has been a learning curve certainly. It has also confirmed my values, I can say this place definitely does not align with those. I also think that the way I have been used to working was a bit more, shall we say, modern/flexible? Feels very archaic where I am.

I left a bad job quite recently. I was there two years. It was awful, bullying, childish behaviour, terribly toxic. I could write a book about it and no one would believe what I had to put up with. It was archaic, and also the way people preferred to do business there didn't align to my values.

What I've found is that I've got over it quite quickly by acknowledging that firstly it wasn't my fault (in my case it really, really wasnt!) and secondly being immersed in another, much better/suitable job has made it all feel like a distant memory after 3 months. I hardly think about it all now and yet it was two years of absolute hell.

Looking back I actually can't quite believe I managed to have the wherewithal to get another job, I was so ground down. But thriving quickly in my new role has helped solidify that it was circumstance that was the problem. I've been able to separate what I learned in that role from the bad feelings and use it to be successful in my new role.

Sorry you’re going through this. I worked with an absolute megalomaniac who policed my every word, thought, action… When I got interviews, and I’ve said this on another thread recently, it was a revelation. They felt I had something to offer and were welcoming. You’ve been invited to interview because you and your skills have value for their business. I too thrived in my next job. You will too.

Thank you @youveturnedupwelldone @GellerYeller for sharing, I’m really glad to hear that you’ve both had much more positive experiences since moving on to new pastures!
I think I just need to keep reminding myself that it’s just not a good fit for me, that anyone who took on my position would in all probability have experienced this to some extent and better things are just around the corner :)

It’s horrible when that happens, but it just reminds me that as much as they’re interviewing me, I’m interviewing them. Any hint of a workplace culture that doesn’t feel ok and I withdraw, bearing in mind they’re selling their organisation so I assume how they present at interview is a good as it’s going to get.

I had a bad job a number of years ago. Applied for any job to get out of there. It took me a bit to be able to build my confidence back up and realise it was the job, not me. I now look back with distance. I hope it's made me a better manager.

I am watching this thread with interest. Three years in a toxic workplace for me and I'm currently working my leave. I have loads of confidence going into future interviews because I know I have done a fabulous job where I am and that I will be an asset to any company who chooses to value my work ethic rather than exploit it to the point where I am required to eat sleep and shit their company.

Thank you @Glendaruel @Jellycatspyjamas @KittensandPerverts!

@Glendaruel Blanket applying as we speak! Literally terrified I’ll end up in the same situation but @Jellycatspyjamas is completely right, the interview is a two-way street- I have a better idea of what to look out for/ask and trust my gut about any red flags! @KittensandPerverts Good to hear you left with confidence in your ability and the job didn’t take that from you.

Start building yourself up, keep money on the side and leave. You are wasting your time with pettiness rather than growing in your job
I worked for 19 yr old trying to be a supervisor leading a team of 19 yr old girls and it was a waste of energy

My current job was like highschool.
Gossip giggling and nastiness.
They didn't speak to me for 8 months when I joined.
It has improved to the point it doesn't affect my mh anymore after I raised the issue formally.
I agree an interview is a 2 way street.
I still couldn't see the issues at my interview as my colleague was off sick.
I would take a week's holiday between jobs and reset.
Good luck OP.

Just write it off to a bad experience and remember how you were valued at previous organisations. Sounds like everyone hates it, so it's definitely not you, it's them. Wishing you a speedy escape!

Hi OP. Currently in a similar situation. Culture and set up of the place is awful. 3 of us have started in the last 2 years and all 3 of us have struggled. they really don’t seem to care and don’t seem to realise that there’s a common denominator (like surly they can’t have employed 3 people with very different backgrounds and experiences and they’re all rubbish) . I raised my concerns- had phone put down on me. I sent an email and 2 managers had a chat and I seemed to get a bit more support for 3-4 months (think they were worried i was going to raise a grievance) but from my direct manager I got a really simple “sorry you feel like that” email.

I can’t even keep up with my managers moods. I’ve turned up in the office and he’s said “o you hmph ”, then other times he’s hanging round like a bad smell chatting about life, weekends etc.

was out of the office and returned to my desk to find people talking about how our return to the office was all because of me (as if I’m that important- I’m junior grade ).

I’ve asked for support on things and I’ve been told ‘just go and do it’. Then I get ‘did you do x, y,z?’ And I’m sat there thinking well I didn’t know I had to do xyz - why would I? You just told me to go do it with no guidance, training etc.

Like you, my job has some practical elements and there’s been very little support for any of it tbh.

I’ve been told to ask for help whenever I need it then when I do people don’t get back to me about when they can do it so I have to chase.

Confidence is absolutely shot- I’ve believed that I’m the only one that’s rubbish.

Anyway I’m trying to just keep sight of the actual work I’m doing and just not really engage in the nonsense- I feel like the b*hy team members can let themselves look like what they are. I’m also on the lookout for jobs but not much around at the moment.

Good luck. I’m hoping that this is just a lesson in what I don’t want from a workplace and finding the right place will bring confidence with it. Some of the posts above are quite promising x x

@bctf123 Very frustrating! I think that’s it, it is such a total waste of time in every sense.
@whatisforteamum Exactly like high school for sure. Embarrassingly, I’ve come home crying because of things that have happened. It has honestly felt like I was in year 11 again. I’m glad things have improved for you and it isn’t affecting your mh. Making a formal complaint can’t have been easy, good to hear it made a difference.
@Justfinking Thank you! I have another job interview next week so got everything crossed.
@inabubble3 Agreed. It’s a sure indicator that something is rotten when you’ve got that many people struggling. I recently found out that, contrary to what I was told at interview, there has been a very high turnover of staff. @Justfinking So you’re probably right about everyone hating it!

Update: I’ve handed my notice in. A job is really not worth my mental health. When it came to my attention that I was being scapegoated for things, including the ‘negativity’ in the office, I had enough. I’m certain that they’ll move their focus onto someone else once I’m gone and for whoever’s next I feel really sorry. I actually feel quite empowered by my decision and know in my gut that this was the right thing for me to do.

Good to hear the update. Good luck with your next move x