How to politely tell someone there's no way on earth you'd work with them again?

[horseyhorsey17]

I have a friend I did a freelance project with. She was an absolute nightmare - didn't stick to deadlines, didn't follow the brief, needed endless corrections, sent me texts in the middle of the night, demanded more money halfway through the project, and I ended up having to give her some of my fee to get the project over the line. She's got a lot going on in her personal life and I still like her as a person but I almost had a breakdown working with her. It was an ongoing project and it's due to start up again but I'd rather bang my head repeatedly against a wall than work with her again. How do I politely tell her I'm not using her again for the next phase of the project? I was thinking of just saying the company the project is for wants someone cheaper which is sort of true - definitely if she demands more money halfway through again. I just can't think of what to say!

I wouldn't bother saying anything. She'll realise eventually and then you can say 'oh well as things went so badly....'

“Thanks for your work on the first phase of this project. The next stage has evolved and needs slightly different skills, so I can’t involve you. If there’s a chance to work together again that’s something I’ll certainly look at. “

She's asked several times now. I think she thinks things went WELL - or at least, that it was not her fault that they didn't.

I can see now why she left her last job under a cloud.

Honestly, it's not your fault. You may lose the friendship but it's that or she makes you unwell working with her.

If it's possible you can make it sound like it isn't you that doesn't want to work with her? But whatever you do, don't put your well-being on the line for someone so obliviously unprofessional!

You're right. I was struggling with a few mental health challenges before working with her and she nearly pushed me over the edge. She has big challenges in her own life (much worse than I'd realised as we'd reconnected after losing contact for a few years) and I ended up absorbing those as well as trying to manage her, which was like herding cats. I just want to work with an actual professional this time. That's not much to ask is it?!

Don't say "they want someone cheaper" because then she'll probably lower her fee to get involved. @Honeysuckle16 's reply is perfect as it doesn't leave any wiggle room for negotiation, but doesn't point any fingers either.
Alternatively you'll have to be honest and say "I do like you as a friend but being honest with you, our work ethics aren't very compatible /working together felt very stressful, and I can't do it again".

If you are close to them, surely you can just have a conversation to let them know you love them to bits but don't want to ever work with them again?

'Love them to bits' is a bit strong! We're old friends but only reconnected after not seeing each other for a decade quite recently. I don't think that conversation would go well at all!

I work in the same industry as my mum. I adore my mum but she's a rage inducing, screaming nightmare to work with. I've just made polite excuses over the years but I have had to say 'sorry, it needs to be someone reliable' etc now and then. We still love each other!

“Thanks for the work on the last part of the project. The next phase won’t need your input and I would rather be straight with you about that so that you can organise your other opportunities for work without wondering what is happening with this one”

Just use budget/scope changes etc and don’t refer to her issues at all.

This is perfect Op - use this.

Can’t you just say it’s easier for you to work with someone you aren’t friends with?

If she caused you to have MH problems you need to accept that she's a liability not a friend. You aren't a bad person because you've decided not to work with her.

Any explanation you give needs to be as short as possible with the least amount of wriggle room, just a way of backing away so you can complete the project

If you didn't see her for a decade, why worry about her reaction and keeping her friendship now then?

Just tell her you don't want to work with her again for all the entirely valid reasons you gave here. Surely she must have a modicum of awareness or emotional intelligence to realise that it didn't go well? And if not then she needs a verbal kick up the arse anyway and complete honesty.

Absolutely perfect.

If she challenges it, just say they have all their personnel in place already, not within your job spec at this stage to recruit for them.

It's hard with friends. I have a friend who I took ages to like because I worked with her first and she was hell to deal with - sheer hell. Then DH worked with her and said she was an absolute nightmare on that project too - everyone dreaded her. But we crossed paths socially, had loads in common and now she is a good friend. I really love and value her friendship but I wouldn't go anywhere near her professionally and she too often has issues with employers.

Once she knows you can't hire her, and that is clear, you could arrange to meet up as friends.

Just be honest about the things you found difficult and that you don't think the two of you work well together. She may get the hump but as she's not a close friend, does it really matter? Why are you trying to shield her feelings when she obviously wasn't worried about yours?

Shall we do that work again together?

No.

Oh. Why not? I thought we were friends?

Yes we are, and I'd like it to stay that way, so let's never work together again. Cup of tea?

You cost me money last time. I cannot afford to lose income again.

I'd not worry about the friendship, she blackmailed you, so clearly didn't give a shit about the friendship herself.

Fair point! I feel bad for her as I know she's had a shit time recently. BUT she's also fallen out with just about everyone, including employers, and it's always everyone else's fault and not hers. People change, she's not the same person I became friends with, and you're right, she hasn't shown anywhere near the same level of respect for me as I have for her.

"I was thinking of just saying the company the project is for wants someone cheaper"

If you're planning on blaming the company anyway, why not just use the real reasons (assigned to the 3rd party).

If she's unaware of the problems she caused, it may help her to work better in the future

this person sounds exactly like someone i had the misfortune of working with about 12 years ago. They ended up getting sacked from this job and every other job they did and then went freelance. I feel for anyone who ever works with them.

I imagine it'll be a difficult conversation 😕 but hopefully she will see that it's not malicious and just down to 'different work styles'! Good luck 🙏

I’m bemused as to why you want to spare her feelings here? The woman blackmailed you midway through the project and you handed over your own income ffs. She doesn’t give a shit about you.

No doubt she’ll jib you off anyway once she realises you’ve outlived your usefulness to her, whether that’s giving her work or allowing her to emotionally dump all over you, and of course it’ll all be your fault. She sounds like that type of person.

I’d go with the reply a PP suggested above - You cost me money last time. I cannot afford to lose income. I won’t be working with you again.

I just want to work with an actual professional this time. That's not much to ask is it?!
There’s the words you need to use.
You’ve said them yourself.