Having a baby long term career prospects

[Mmdilemma]

I am 31, soon to be 32 my husband is 34. We have no children yet but have been together for 9 years. I work in a job that doesn’t require qualifications however I do hold a level 3 diploma, so not earning major money. We are starting to think about children in our future after just buying our first property. There are a couple of dilemmas on my mind… I always said to myself when I met my husband that I wanted a career before I had children, in the case that we should ever split up, I am not completely financially stuck.

Unfortunately for the past 6.5 years I have been stuck in my dead end job with no prospects to move further up. We have had a few difficult circumstances to deal with and I have ended up not studying or trying to build a career yet. I suffer with anxiety and low self esteem, which I have had therapy for. I really want to make something of myself before I have children. The trouble is, we are finally at the stage where I have decided to leave this job, but to even think about taking time out to study, would mean we wouldn’t be able to plan to start a family for another few years.

My original plan was to train to become a Midwife however, with the way the NHS and Maternity care is at the moment, I think it will break me. Putting the job aside, I would need to take 4 years out to study. I say 4, as for some reason the university wants me to complete a foundation year prior. I’ve looked into other job roles and degrees however nothing is standing out to me. I’m just interested in women's care mainly. If I go down this route this September I will qualify in over 4 years. By that time I will be 36, then I would plan to gain some experience on the wards for 1 year prior to taking maternity leave, these years are all adding up. Unless I become a pregnant student in 3rd year 🤣🫣

I know logically now that I am writing it down this is not going to work out. Just feel so frustrated with myself for not doing something sooner. I then wonder will the bad side of the NHS crush me, ultimately making me eventually feel like I’ve made a big mistake. Then I think, should we just start trying now for a baby, my worry is if my husband wasn’t there to support us one day, I would be screwed. Also I would like to continue working a bit anyway to have a bit of self identity while being a mum. The deadline for UCAS is next week, but ultimately any studying I do, is going to be 3-4 years full time. Any ideas on how to look at this in a better light? FYI I was accepted onto the 4 year degree, after studying for 18 months from home for my level 3, but had to defer and then pull out due to my own circumstances at the time.

I always said to myself when I met my husband that I wanted a career before I had children

That was 9 years ago, I think it's fair to say things have changed in your life since then. That no longer makes practical sense.

I really want to make something of myself before I have children

You're already something and you're valuable regardless of your career status.

My original plan was to train to become a Midwife however, with the way the NHS and Maternity care is at the moment, I think it will break me

As you are someone with existing anxiety problems and who's faced serious enough personal problems to derail previous study, I think I agree with you that midwifery may not be a good fit for you.

Also I would like to continue working a bit anyway to have a bit of self identity while being a mum

Wouldn't you continue working in your existing job after children anyway? Surely that would go some way to financially protecting you from being "screwed" if your husband left?

We are starting to think about children in our future after just buying our first property

It sounds like you're already in a place where you're ready for this step? I understand all the "what if" feelings about studying, but given everything except your old career dream is in place I'm not sure it makes sense to indefinitely postpone children until a time when fertility may be an issue?

UCAS will still be there after children. It's okay to let go of one dream to pursue a different one.

@equinoxprocess thank you for your reply 🥰 some great advice

I also didn’t get to where I thought I would in terms of having a ‘career’ before having my 2 children. They are now 1 and 2 (18 months apart) and I turn 35 next month.

I went to uni 2 years later than everyone, did fashion retailing and ended up in retail after as I didn’t want to go to London and pursue a head office job. 2 years in and trying to get a supervisor role at 25 my dad died. I then went on to get a supervisor role and soon after moved on to work for a luxury retail brand as supervisor. In the run up to our wedding when I was 30 (year before Covid) I had a depressive episode and took 4 weeks off work. I think the pressure of planning a wedding in 6 months, hating my job at the time (hated my manager for months and I never use that word lightly) and struggling with anxiety triggered by grief finally caught up with me. My manager was leaving and I had the chance to take her job but I was just in such a bad place mentally I had to focus on myself over career progression. It was something that bothered me over the years, but now I am where I am with 2 beautiful boys I’m actually at peace with that. I recently changed jobs to work as a dental receptionist as working shifts and weekends is not what I wanted for our family long term. It’s not my dream job but right now my priority is my family over my job and as life is v.demanding with 2 toddlers work/life balance is my top priority atm.

The best advice I was ever given was in the run up to our wedding from a work friend who met her husband late on and at the time was in her 40’s with 2 children under 6. One day at work she asked about when we were planning on kids and she said ‘you will never be ready, you will never have enough money and it will never be the right time’. This still resonates with me, to the point where I actually wish we had started sooner, as I loved becoming a mum so much and wish I could do the newborn stage one more time. Sadly we just don’t have the money to have a third now especially with childcare fees, cost of living and still living in a 2 bed house.

I completely understand your concerns regarding being financially stable btw and it’s natural to wonder what would happen if your partner was no longer around to support. However I would seriously consider this - is worrying about something that might never happen be enough of a reason to delay having children? Or if a few years down the line and you really wanted children but it hadn’t happened yet, would this be a bigger regret?

hope that ramble of an answer made sense and helped a little!x

I have awful self esteem too. I hadn't really settled into my career by the time I had my two at 31 and 33. What I did find was that following the births my drive to do something with myself became enormous. I was painfully bored but also exhausted and suddenly any free time was the MOST precious resource as it wasn't satisfying doom scrolling any more.

When my youngest was 9 months old I set myself a deadline to learn a new piece of software. 30 hours in 30 days, half hours here and there while they napped or dh had them. It meant sneaking downstairs early in the morning etc. doing something with my brain, lifted the baby fog immediately!

I used that knowledge to make an amazing design portfolio, that got me a job in a high end company. The job only lasted a year but I set up as a freelancer and now run my own little drawing company acting as a subcontractor for other companies. Just got my fourth client and expecting a significant increase in profit this year compared to last.

Have your babies, see how it goes. You are married so somewhat protected. Use that time to decide what you want and go for it.

The way I see it is you're kind of the opposite to me. I had a friend tell me once that if I had wanted children I'd have prioritised that and made it happen by now. Perhaps you're like that with your career; not so driven. And that's fine. Sounds to me like you want to focus on your fertility more, so go for that I'd say. Plenty of time for a career later.

That's amazing @Luckydog7 ! I also found more drive after becoming a mum, I found for me it put things into perspective and made me much more fearless - I don't have the time to be too afraid or self-conscious - and I'm more focused because I have to be. @Mmdilemma - maybe a change will be as good as a rest for you! Have your family and see where it takes you.

I am 50 this year and my son 19. I wanted to go to uni to do my nursing 10 years ago but I didn't have the self belief that I was good enough. Now my son is at uni and I'm stuck in a dead end job. How I wish I could turn the clock back and believe in myself. You're still young and have options...choose wisely and protect yourself financially before having children.